Faster Than A Speeding Salad I Mean Bullet

Can not face making one more lunch so go to work with nothing.

Order $30 superfood salad for delivery which will come to approx 37 cents per kale leaf and 11 cents per pomegranate seed but worth every penny.

Order superfood right to my office door with suite number in the address and the notes.

Watch Delivery Guy pick up food and drive it to my office on the app.

Message: I am here.

Walk to office door.

He is not here.

Message Delivery Guy. You are not here. I am at the office and I don't see you. 

No answer.

Get a message on the app: Delivery Guy tried to contact you and you did not respond. Your order will be cancelled.

WHAT? No way! 

(What's worse than paying $30 for a delivery salad? Paying $30 for an undelivered delivery salad!)

Call Delivery Guy 850 times. He does not pick up. 

Write on app: Where are you? I am here and I don't see you.

He does not respond.

Meanwhile, timer is ticking down on message Your order will be cancelled.

On app, can see car in front of building but looks like car is still moving.

Maybe he is in the office lobby.

Take elevator downstairs and lobby is completely empty. Ask security and they have seen nothing resembling a  $30 superfood salad or a Delivery Guy.

Walk outside of building which is on very busy corner plus it's freezing to see if can identify Delivery Guy. Nope.

Go back on elevator, back to office, maybe I missed him.

Nope.

Call and message a few more times. Nothing.

Finally get message on app. I am here.

Ok, I write back. DO NOT MOVE. I will be right down to lobby to get superfood which at this point I am hoping comes with superpowers because I may need them. I am about 90 seconds away from Order will be cancelled. 

Back on elevator, back down to lobby, back outside in balmy Montreal December.

Delivery runs across the street and hands me the bag. Sorry About That. He says. I got a ticket from the cops.

(Oh man, it is really not his day)

Here are my issues:

1. I'm sorry he got a ticket
2. No one asked him to park illegally or make an illegal u-turn 
3. (In other words Who Knows Why he got a ticket)
4. (However of course I still feel badly for him, but I don't feel responsible)

Still it was wrong of him to report me as unresponsive when he was the one being non-responsive.

Grab salad, take elevator back up to office, open app and tell them what happened.

Ten minutes later, response: We are sorry your superfood salad was not delivered. We are refunding your order completely. 

Here are my issues:

1. I didn't say the order was cancelled, I said he was about to cancel me
2. I don't deserve a full refund, I am three kale leaves away from finishing the damn thing
3. (However if you aren't going to read  my complaint correctly I can't be held responsible)
4. (So thank you for picking up the tab)

In conclusion:

It's ok to feel badly for someone (like the driver getting a ticket) without feeling responsible for his actions. And, it's ok to report someone for something they did wrong (like saying I was not responsive and they should cancel my order) if there's a $30 salad at stake - or anything else that is dear to your heart. And, if you report the situation accurately and that moves someone to refund you completely, then it's ok to put the money in your virtual pocket and walk away. You can use it to buy another salad next week.

Straw (Part Two)

Scour Instagram and Facebook Sniff around for clues about the other Amy Fish and come up empty.
But.
There is an email us and we will respond within 24 hours address on slip.
I take a picture of the address label to Amy Fish, Canada next to the packing sheet that says Amy Fish, Monroe Township.
I send it to the 24 hour help email saying I got a package I didn't order, I think you sent it to the wrong Amy Fish.
Then I go to sleep.
Wake up to an email saying:
As a Holiday Gift, Please Keep The Straws. We have already requested that a new package be sent to the original orderer.

Thoughts:

• Why doesn't Amy Fish from Monroe Township dream bigger like for example a GG Marmont velvet shoulder bag in fuschia
• Obviously they were going to let me keep the straws, I could've not reported it and just put them in my pocket and walked away
• I like that they tried to pass it off as a Holiday Gift
• I also like the use of the word Holiday Gift instead of Christmas Gift, very politically correct

Also:

• I still don't know how this happened and I never will. Isn't nice that there are just some unanswered questions in the universe.

Lesson Learned

Sometimes you need to complain on behalf of someone else even if you don't know them. If I would have said nothing, the web site might not have believed Amy Fish, Monroe Township when she said her package was never delivered. Or, if the straws were sent to Amy as a gift, she never would have received them and would have thought whoever sent them was a liar when they said How did you like the straws. Or, maybe they would have been mad at Amy Fish for not sending a thank you note when she never even got the gift or knew it existed. So basically, it's fair to say that my quick email to the company is instrumental in keeping families and friends together. You're welcome.

The Straw That (Part One)

Not sure about you but have been shopping online more than strictly necessary saving lots of money over here.

For example ordered a suitcase online and specified that it be left at my front door if I'm not home.

Come home yesterday to small box on my desk.

Things That Run Through My Head

• Please tell me I didn't order a mouse-sized suitcase
• I have ordered so many things I don't even know what I ordered anymore
• Maybe someone sent me a gift (hopeful)
• Or did I enter a yarn swap (also hopeful)

Open box.

Remove tons of packaging to reveal a miniature suitcase.

Just kidding.

Remove tons of packaging to reveal turquoise cylinder of aluminum, reusable nesting straws.

I Did Not Order These Straws For The Following Reasons

• I already have a reusable straw on my keychain which comes with a cleaning brush
• This set does not come with a cleaning brush so ew
• I still use plastic straws and I'm not afraid to admit it
• Also I didn't see this online

Now I need to check packing slip for clues.

Oh this is a new one.

Straws were ordered by Amy Fish, but the one in Monroe Township,  not the one in Montreal.

Possible Theories

• Amy Fish of Monroe Township sent me straws for a present
• Amy Fish of Monroe Township is coming to surprise me for the holidays and wants to make sure she has the right straws to sip from
• The packager was reading my book as they packed and sent it to me by mistake
• The database got their Amy Fishes mixed up

What should I do now?

No Such Thing As A Free Car Wash

Background

Have been doing a lot of interviews in conjunction with my new book. One question I get asked all the time is: 

Do you always complain effectively? Or is there ever a time where you don't complain, or you don't get what you want?

Background 2

A couple a days ago I was interviewed for a podcast and the answer to a lot of the questions was: 

The blog. Complaint Department. I try to post every Monday. I write a piece of creative nonfiction, I guess you'd call it flash non fiction, on Mondays. Yeah, it requires discipline, but I find for my readers, they get used to looking out for my posts on Mondays.

Therefore

Here is a story about me not complaining effectively and not getting what I want. Also, today is Tuesday.

So:

Car maintenance A16 needed. Appointment Monday morning 7:45am.

Pull up at 7:52am, right on schedule.

Check in with Junior Automotive Consultant. 

Your car will be ready in about an hour maybe 45 minutes.

In that case, I'll wait. 

Great. I'll mark a W on your page so that the guys in the back will know to move their you-know-whats. Would you like your car washed.

No thank you. I have to get to work. Please just do the A16.

Yes Ma'am that's not a problem. 

Thank you.

Pull book that I'm working on for book review out of my bag and get some reading in.

Finish oat milk latte (brought from home, car dealership is nice but come on)

Read more pages, call my sister, blah around on social.

Oh.

Almost two hours have elapsed.

Check in with Junior Automotive Consultant. What Happened to My Car.

Hmmm. He says. I think they may have taken it to get washed.

I don't want my car washed.

Yeah, I know. I'm not sure what happened. Let me look in the back.

(Looks in the back)

Yup, they took your car to be washed. It will probably be a few more minutes.

Well like how many minutes. I thought you said it would be about an hour.

Yeah, it should be. But for some reason they thought it needed to be washed.

Senior Automotive Consultant looks up from his computer.

I can see right here that you didn't want your car washed. I'm not sure what happened, but I also think we have a misunderstanding.

Oh?

Yes, you were here at what - 7:30am? The guys don't start working till 8am, so - ?

Right. I get it. But I have to get to work and my car is -?

Junior goes in back to see where car is again.

Senior says I can close you out here as soon as they punch in the ticket.

(I don't speak car dealership but I think he wants my credit card)

I hope you aren't charging me for the car wash.

No, no, ma'am that's entirely complementary. 

Thank you.

I will be late for work but at least I'll be driving a clean -

Is that my car?

Yes Ma'am.

And it was washed?

No. It was in the queue for the car wash, but we took it out to give it back to you so that you wouldn't have to wait any longer.

In Conclusion

1. You can ask to not get your car washed and still not get your car washed, but longer version.

2. W on the work order can mean customer Waiting or could mean Wash car even when customer says not to (or it could mean What a Sucker)

3. I somehow managed to wait an extra 90 minutes and STILL not benefit from a free car wash. How's that for ineffective complaining?

I Can't Think Of A Title, How's This - When It Rains

Middle son G is 18. He wears shoes.
He pays for his own clothes and shoes because up until recently he had a job in an umbrella factory.
(Not really an umbrella factory, but inside joke for those who have read my Fries book.)
G needs sneakers for gym class which he remembers to bring with him but sadly forgets in the Uber.
I am driving him to school when he tells me the story. He is supposed to get there on his own but it is pelting rain and I guess I'm a sucker.
"This all happened yesterday?"
"Yeah. Mom don't worry though. They were very worn out."
"The ones with holes in the bottom?"
"Nah. Those are downstairs. These ones have holes on the sides."
(I guess you will have to find a new umbrella factory to work in/at)
We pull up to school.
Rain still coming down.
"Mom look."
I look through the window and catch a glimpse of worn out Vans, leaning gently against the chain link fence.

The Uber driver brought them back.

Lessons Learned:
1. If you spend all your money on Ubers, you will not be able to afford new shoes.
2. If you need shoes for gym class, hope for rain, your Mom might give you a lift and you will have job security working in an umbrella factory.
3. At first glance it seems like Uber driver was a saint for bringing the shoes back to school but if you can imagine teenage boy sneakers worn to holes and then left in the rain to soak and then left in the car to dry off we can speculate that perhaps the driver could no longer breathe and was longing for the fresh scent of pine air freshener.

A Picture is Worth

Y's daughter is graduating from high school and sits for graduation pictures.

Order form comes.

Smallest package available is $270. Includes four wallet size and an 8x10.

Y figures that after all the time and effort (and cash) they have put into getting daughter this far, what's another 270 bucks. Plus there are grandparents each with a gaping hole in their wallets just waiting for this photo.

Package arrives.

Pics are blurry.

You're kidding.

(This is probably how phones with cameras got invented. A mom was so frustrated shelling out hundreds for school photos she probably figured it would be cheaper to create a smartphone and take the pics herself.)

Y does not want to accept mediocre photographs especially at highway robbery those prices.

Calls place.

Customer Service says: What Can I Do For You.

Y says: Blah blah daughter, blah blah pictures, Can you see the pictures from there?

Customer Service says: Wait a minute, I just have to load em up, my computer is so slow today - hold on - yes - 

Y says:  Well can you please look at the photographs and tell me - do they look blurry to you? I mean, you do this all day and you're the expert, I just wanted to get your opinion?

Customer Service says: Yeah, actually. They do look kind of blurry. We can absolutely sharpen the image from here and send them out.

Y: Oh, thank you so much, that's terrific.

Customer: Also, I noticed a little pimple on your daughter's chin and we can zap that right out and send these off to you today.

Lessons Learned

1. Rely on the expertise of those around you.
2. Everyone likes to be the hero, even Customer Service 
3. It seemed like a big ask - how would Customer Service be able to check if the photos Y received were blurry, and how would they be able to fix the problem remotely, but in the end it worked out better than Y ever dreamed.
4. Customer Service and estheticians have more in common than you would think.

Things People Have Said To Me On The Book Tour So Far

1. I think you can read less from the book at your events.
2. I think you could read more from the book at your events.
3. You look way better in person. I had seen your pictures and I wasn't expecting you to look so - alive.
4. I'm also going to write a book. 
5. Everyone tells me I should write a book.
6. I ordered your book off amazon and it didn't come yet. Can you call them and get the book for me.
7. I didn't realize you were so good at public speaking.
8. You told me you were good at public speaking but I didn't believe you.
9. You missed your calling. You should be a professional public speaker.
10. Did you take a course on public speaking? Or did you read a book on how to do it?
11. I think you are better with a small crowd, more intimate.
12. I like your energy better with a big crowd, more fiery.
13. I didn't buy your book, I didn't feel like waiting in line.
14. How much money are you making for doing this?
15. You're not getting the money? Then who is?

How to Get a Complete Refund

Daughter T playing in basketball tournament in Atlanta.
I am in France.
Basketball television network (not its real name) offers several subscription models all of which have free cancellation.
I take the $9.95 weekly figuring I will cancel after a week.
Sit on beautiful rattan bench in courtyard and watch games on my iPad marveling at the miracles that got me here, her there, and me able to see her play.
Cancel subscription.
Wake up the next morning thinking I don't trust these people 100% and log back onto site, go on to chat help desk and ask for confirmation that I correctly cancelled subscription.
Chat help desk person KAW says I have cancelled your subscription for you.
I have a weird feeling about this so I keep the email with the chat script.
Two and a half months elapse during which time I miss the repeated charges and pay the bill anyway have gone through my credit card statement with a fine tooth comb but somehow miss this repeated charge.
Get an email from Basketball television network about how much they miss me, how they notice I haven't logged on in a while and how they hope I'm OK.
Which is very thoughtful of them.
But.
I thought I already cancelled this subscription. And $9.95 weekly is not a negligible amount of money.
Log back on to site and click on chat help desk.
Tell LBJ that I cancelled subscription on July 30th at 3:56pm.
LBJ says. I'm really sorry about that. Let me refund you completely and right now. Email confirmations will be sent to you immediately and expect a credit on your card within the next few days.

Lessons Learned
1. If you cancel a subscription, you still may get charged for it so be careful.
2. If your credit card gets charged incorrectly and you inadvertently pay the bill, you can still go back and get a refund.
3. If the only way to communicate with this website is over chat, don't despair, you may still be able to get what you want.
4. If your daughter tells you that under no circumstances does she want you to watch her game, and you go all the way to France to feign nonchalance, Basketball television network will help you outsmart even the wiliest teenager.

Life is the Flower for Which Love is the Honey -Victor Hugo

Background 

1. Jews eat honey cake on Rosh Hashanah (New Year)
2. Jewish New Year season is now
3. My book editors said not to use numbers unless the sequence is important, but I am having trouble breaking the habit

Honey Cake
I use my oldest cookbook which I think was written before I was even born called Second Helpings. Second Helpings gives vague cooking suggestions. For example, a casserole recipe might be something like: brown the onion, add the beef, cook till done, put in oven, warm when your husband gets home from his long day at the office.
I like the recipes because I find them forgiving, in other words you don't have to be exact (although possibly you may need a husband so please govern yourselves accordingly)
The honey cake recipe is simple and then it says, pour into 10 inch tube pan, which in my mind was a loaf pan although the two are not the same at all.
I pour the batter into a loaf pan.
There is too much batter so I pour it into a second loaf pan.
There is not enough batter to properly bake in second pan.
I am annoyed with Second Helpings until I realize that I mis-read the instructions and anyway I don't have a 10in tube pan.
I do however have two smaller tube pans that may have been Jell-O molds in a former life if you can picture what I'm talking about.
They are either  inherited from my great-grandmother or snagged at a Minnesotan garage sale (?)
Pour batter from loaf pans into Jell-O pans and put in oven.
Wash non-performing loaf pans by hand because dishwasher is still broken.
While drying pans notice burning smell coming from oven.
One of the Jell-O molds has a hairline fracture which is causing honey cake batter to drip out ever so slowly and form smaller-than-a-dime sized burning droplets on the bottom of the oven.
This is not good.
Re-take out re-washed loaf pan that a minute ago was looking insufficient but now is the answer to all my hopes and dreams.
Honey cake has already started to bake around the edges of the fractured Jell-O pan however I believe it is too risky to leave cake in there and wrapping it in tin foil I think will even form a greater mess.
Re-pour batter into loaf pan.
Now have one honey cake baking in Jell-O pan and one in loaf pan.
House smells divine, take cakes out of oven, leave them to cool.
Take sharp knife around edges of Jell-O pan to loosen cake, flip on to plate and -
Honey cake completely disintegrates. Part sticks to pan. Part crumbles. Part falls onto plate.
It looks like it has been baked by a swarm of bees with too much time on their hands and absolutely no expertise in the kitchen.

What Happens Next
I take a pic of the sad, broken honey cake and post it online. I wrap the good honey cake and put in freezer.
I re-wash the pans.
14 year old daughter T is leaving to basketball tournament in the US and asks if she can pack the "cake" up for car snacks. Seems like a happy ending for this pile of crumbs. Sure.

And Also
A few days later I get a message from a Mom that I like but I don't know that well.
She says that she really appreciated me posting a pic of my pathetic cake. She says that they were having a rough holiday season over at hers, and when she saw my cake falling apart she felt a little less alone. She felt like she could get through the holidays without everything being so picture perfect. She said my poor little disintegrated honey cake gave her hope.

What Went Through My Mind

1. I feel like holiday happiness is a lot of pressure to put on one little honey cake so I'm glad mine came through
2. I thought it was interesting and brave of this Mom to reach out to me and thank me for being a failure in the kitchen being honest about how the, er, cake was crumbling over here
3. All she saw was the finished, messy product, she didn't know (until now, if she's reading this) that it had actually been a more complex and difficult process involving fractured pans, a broken dishwasher and the smell of burning honey coming from my oven. 
4. So, it was even worse than I had let on, and the disintegrated finished honey cake was actually the least of it.
5. Which is something I think we should all keep in mind when watching each other's social media. Sure, it's true, but there may be more to the story.
6. And also when someone does something that helps or inspires you, reach out to them. It makes everyone's New Year a little sweeter

Best wishes to you and your families from me and mine.

Timing Part Two

Amy we could have used you this weekend. You gotta hear what happened.

We were at a five star hotel, you know, known for its white glove service.

There for a conference. Very hectic, morning till night, no time to breathe.

Come back to the room during a break and there are five guys in our room. Standing in the shower.

(Let me pause here and give you a chance to do what you will with that visual)

And there's sewage backing up, into the shower, and the guys with white gloves are trying to clean it up.

(Ew. and Oh.)

Smell in the room was kinda moldy, not as bad as you would think, so we just stayed there for the rest of the conference figuring something would automatically be taken off our bill.

It was not.

We paid the bill, but it's been bugging us ever since. This is a top, top, top tier hotel. How could they leave us to deal with a sewage back up and not offering any compensation.

They didn't offer anything? At all?

Well, they offered us to pack up all our stuff and move us to another room. But I didn't want those guys pawing through my delicates. 

(I hear you. Especially after they were pawing through less-than-delicates in the shower.)

Is it too late to do anything about this?

It's not too late at all. You can absolutely send an email explaining what happened and enclose a copy of your bill.

What Should Email Say:

1. I would start off by saying that you are loyal customers of this upscale hotel chain and that you always stay there when you can. You were thrilled to be able to benefit from their service when you agreed to attend this conference.

2. The conference was jam packed and there  was barely any time to breathe. One afternoon you ran up to your room to change and to your shock and surprise there were five guys in your shower fighting with raw sewage.

3. They offered to pack you up and move you but you had no time to think or consider this offer because you had to be back downstairs in fifteen minutes.

4. Also because no one had called/texted/alerted you in any way about the sewage issue, you were very much caught off guard and could not make a snap decision regarding your belongings.

5. In retrospect, you very much wish you had taken them up on their offer because your last night (or two) in the hotel were frankly a little gross.

6. Therefore, you are enclosing your hotel bill and you would like the last night or two taken off as if you would have had a chance to change rooms.

Comparison To Previous Example

• Both are first class and therefore you expect a high level of service from both.
• Composed salad didn't attempt to mitigate damage. White glove shower did, but you said no.
• In both cases you were disappointed with the service, you didn't react at the time, you have some remorse and you would like to know if it's too late to complain effectively

Bottom line
Hotels are more expensive than composed salad (in most cases) and therefore it is understandable that you would feel regretful weeks after the fact. Also sewage is more egregious than grapefruit (in most cases) so the margin for compromise is narrower.

 

Timing Part One

Out for white linen napkin dinner with one of my Fave people.

Fave wants the composed salad but one of the items in the composition is grapefruit. (She has an aversion to grapefruit and a general dislike for all things citrus.)

Fave asks waiter if can substitute something else for the grapefruit.

Waiter says No.

Fave asks waiter if can remove grapefruit from the plate so doesn't have to deal with leaky citrus juices, also smell turns her off and does not want to have to look at pink fleshy fruit.

Waiter says No.

(Hmmmm. I'm wondering if we were Wall Street Men or Expense Account Men, or anything else man-oriented, we might receive a different response.)

Fave shrugs and orders composed salad anyway. I ask if she wants me to get involved. She says no.

As evening wears on, can't help but notice people on my left and on my right eating things that were not on the menu. Also can't help but notice the wide variety of fruits and vegetables in dishes all over the restaurant so why was Waiter so committed to grapefruit. It seems like he could have asked the kitchen to cut a tomato in four considering dinner is costing more than my first car.

Rest of dinner is delightful and as far as I know, grapefruit incident is forgotten.

Except.

About six weeks later, I'm out with Fave and she tells me that she is still thinking about the grapefruit and why it had to appear on her plate. There were all kinds of vegetables on the menu, why couldn't the Waiter ask the kitchen to cut a tomato in four instead especially since dinner cost more than her first apartment.

Is it too late to do anything about it? She asks.

Issues to Consider:
1. On the one hand it's never too late to complain effectively, on the other hand it is kind of too late to complain about a salad that you ordered six weeks earlier.

2. If this is really bothering you, and you still have your receipt, you can write to the restaurant saying  that this has been on your mind for a while, and that you know you should have spoken up at the time, but you were shy/embarrassed/unclear on what to say, and now you would like to have the salad taken off your bill. I think it's a long shot, but I guess you won't know unless you try.

3. If you go back to the restaurant, you can raise your concern at the beginning of the meal with something like: Hey, the other day when I was here, we ordered the blah blah salad and I wanted it without grapefruit. Can you do that for me this time?

4. If you go back to the restaurant and it's very obvious who the manager is, you can say something to her/him like: Thank you so much the service was fantastic this time. I thought you might want to know that last time we were here, we wanted our composed salad no grapefruit and the Waiter gave us a really hard time. It was so unlike the service we normally receive here. (Although this will not change the outcome for you or your composed, it may bring this matter to the manager's attention for the future.)

Listen to me. 
This is why you need to speak up and ask for a correction when something happens. Because if you don't, the incident can grow and grow in your mind until quartered grapefruit turns into a metaphor for your nasty third grade gym teacher and/or your smelly first boss or anything that has ever gone wrong in your life. Speaking up might work, it might not work but at least you will have tried your best and you can move on.

Also.
This issue is covered in extensive detail in Chapter 8 of my new book: "How to Report a Rhyming Physician or Other Health-Care Professional: Consider Your Timing". (Spoiler alert: the rhyming physician does not order grapefruit.)

How To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Undone

Background: Someone I love and cherish has recently come into a managerial position in a retail establishment. One of the employees has a fly that is perpetually undone. Cherish has no idea how to communicate this message and has retained my assistance.

My Advice: Say to the guy Hey your fly is undone.

Resistance #1: I'm not sure if his fly is undone or if there is something wrong with his zipper.

My Response: Uh, ok well you're the one asking me for advice. You said fly undone, I gave you fly undone. If something is wrong with his zipper, perhaps try Hey I think there's something wrong with your zipper, it looks like your fly is undone.

Alternate Response to Resistance #1: I don't think it matters. If you say Hey, your fly is undone and it's actually his zipper, he may counter with Oh, it's actually my zipper, or he may just take care of it without an explanation.

Resistance #2: I don't want to say anything to him when we're alone in the store. I'm a woman and he might think it's creepy.

Response to Resistance #2: Wait till you're not alone in the store. Then say to him Hey, your fly's undone or it may be that something is wrong with your zipper

Resistance #3: I don't want him to think I'm looking at his zipper and if I say something to him, it might be uncomfortable.

Possible Response #1 to Resistance #3: You're right, it is kind of uncomfortable. But it's even more uncomfortable for the customers. If you don't take care of this, customers may be creeped out and leave the store and then you will lose sales because you are unable to tell an employee his fly is undone.

Possible R#2 to R#3: He stands to lose much more than you do. If you don't tell him, he will be walking around at half-mast all day. Just look him straight in the eye and say Hey, your fly's undone.

Possible R#3 to R#3: If this is really challenging for you, and you honestly have no idea how to communicate this message try the sandwich technique where you slip the information between two pieces of bread, like so Hey, Mario, great job stacking the yogurts. Do we have any strawberries in the back? Hey, your fly is undone - please take care of it, and then unpack the cotton candy grapes.

Bad Ideas: If none of the above solutions resonates with you, please do not:

• Post a sign in the break room saying All Flies Must Be Done. This is confusing and kind of weird. 
• Reach over and fix the fly yourself. This kind of gesture can be misconstrued.
• Make a scene out of checking your own fly, and making sure your zipper is done up, hoping this employee will take the hint. You never know when you are being caught on film.

In Conclusion: As a manager of a retail store, you are responsible to ensure that your employees follow the dress code which in this case includes zipped pants. Your best method in my opinion is the most direct approach. If you really can't do it, you may want to outsource this function to a trusted associate. (Get someone else to tell the guy to zip it). If that doesn't work, perhaps consider an employee uniform that does not include zipped pants (Rugby uniform? Catsuit?)

Of Blessed Memory, Mashed Potato Martinis and Trump

Three Years Ago:

Dad over for supper.

Would have been his 50th wedding anniversary with my Mom.

Trade suitably sad and happy stories over table full of leftovers.

In fact, he says. I had a dream about Mummy last night.

Kids stand up to clear table. There is only So Much they can take.

Recounts dream which is in fact nightmare as so much of Alzheimer's is.

I had a nightmare last night too, says 15 year old G, plate in hand.

I dreamt I went to a completely different school, and Trump was there and he was signing etrogs and giving them to everybody.

Whoa you're right, my Dad says. That is a nightmare.

Lesson Learned:
It is a sad state of affairs when the imaginary appearance of the President-Elect of another country competes for nightmare status with the tragic too-soon loss of one's beloved wife and mother and Bubbie.

It is an even sadder state of affairs when the obscure-citrus-fruit-signing, soon-to-be-leader-of-the-free-world, wins.

Also:
My Mom died on Sunday of Labor Day Weekend five years ago. Here's the blog post I wrote when I got up from shiva which remains one of my most popular pieces of all time (click here to read).

How This Relates to Hippocamp:
One of my favourite writers and Hippo-people who I am proud to call my Hippo-sister recently tragically lost a parent. We were talking (over mashed potato martinis) about how she needs to write all the blah blah out of herself to help with grief and get to the good part. I was saying that I rarely, almost never, write about the loss of my mother because while aspects of Alzheimer's are hilarious -for the most part it's as tragic as a chipped nail (which btw used to send my mother over the edge) and for the most part dementia jokes are considered in poor taste. I also told her that in my. mind the story of my mother would be best told as a play but I've never written a play and also who the heck has the time.

She Got Me Thinking Though:
That in between never mentioning my Mom at all and endlessly weeping and wringing my hands there has to be some kind of a way to pay a tribute to her, especially today.

So:
With that in mind, I went looking through my old pieces to see if there was anything I wrote and never published and I found this little number from three years ago and I thought. Perfect.

Another Life or American Crime Scene

A week or two ago I was eating salmon and orzo salad on a porch strung with those Pinterest lights and someone told a story about how Selma Blair's sister was their summer camp counsellor in the late 80s.
Another girl (who is now a woman) from their cabin bumped into Selma Blair in LA went up to her and said:
Are you Selma Blair Beitner?
And Selma was like (ugh)  (autograph request) (ok fine) Yeah, that's me.
And the girl said Your sister was my camp counsellor in the late 80s.
They had a good laugh, reminisced about the olden days and I assume although it was not part of the story took a coupla selfies.

Next day I am at the library interviewing an older gentleman about his genealogy database in conjunction with a project we are working on together when he cracks a joke about his wife.
Oh, Stanley. I say. I know you love your wife. I can see the way you talk about her.
Stanley says. I do love my wife but I gotta tell you what happened last week.
When I was in Harvard Business School I went out with a girl (who is now a woman) named Mollie. Penn Fruits. Don't know if the name means anything to you but her parents were in the fruit business. Went belly up. Used to drive my 56 Chevy from Boston to Philly just to see her on the weekends. Friend of mine called me last week and said. What ever happened to Mollie. So I said. I'm a researcher, I'm going to look her up.
Smart girl. Became a lawyer, maybe a judge, didn't surprise me. Married a guy Beitner. Divorced him. Four daughters. Each one more beautiful than the next. One became a movie star.

Selma Blair Beitner? I ask.

That's the one. Stanley says. You know her?

Lessons Learned:
1. Six degrees of separation are way too many. You can probably get by with one or two
2. Genealogy research started because people were trying to find out what happened to their old girlfriends before Facebook was invented
3. People actually buy those Pinterest lights and string them up on their porches
4. In the right context, orzo can count as salad

Sometimes You Have to Cut Your Losses feat. My Sister

My sister normally doesn’t like to appear in social media but gave me special permission today because she got what she wanted out of her complaint.

She has a new car and it’s time for her winter tires to be changed. Because we live in Canada and it just stopped snowing last week. Just kidding. Yesterday. No, really, kidding. (Story might be a bit stale.)

New Dealership reassures her that they will have rental courtesy car waiting when she gets there.

She gets there.

They do not have a courtesy car waiting.

In fact, many other people are also there, looking for their rental courtesy cars.

She waits a few minutes while Dealership calls rental courtesy company.

Cannot help but overhear rental courtesy company panicking about the number of cars needed to satisfy all the demands coming in today.

Oh. This is not looking good.

She cannot help but overhear dapper gentleman arguing because he has been waiting 90 minutes for his courtesy car. She cannot help but notice there are 11 people in line behind him with equally compelling stories.

This will not do.

She does not want to wait and take a chance that there will not be a car available and she needs a car for her work. My sister zigzags over the city so much that I have joked about putting a Fitbit on her car. Of course we all have one, it’s called an odometer. (This does not make my joke less funny.)

She tells Dealership she has to cut her losses and leave with her seasonally incorrect tires and book another appointment at a later date. She is not impressed.

Next day phone rings it’s the Dealership.

Hello, Ma’am. We will comp the storage for your tires. Also, we will send a valet to your house to pick up your car and bring it in for service.

(They did not mention if valet will be driving a courtesy rental car.)

My sister got her fries because she remained calm, yet she told the Dealership she was not happy. She also told them she could not wait for the rental courtesy car that did not show up as promised. She stuck to her guns and left. The Dealership listened to her situation, acknowledged they were wrong, and mitigated the damage.

Satisfaction all around. 

Please pass the ketchup.

This is What Happens When You Order Fries from Etsy

Important part of upcoming book tour includes obsessing about what sneakers to wear.
Conclusion: need something new.
Have in mind vision of sneakers with French Fries on them, which are not as easy to find as you might think.
Etsy.
Order shoes.
Get e-mail confirmation.
Get second e-mail saying: Have had problems delivering to Canada in the past so please give us your phone number and thirty extra bucks.
(Interesting approach)
Write back saying: I will give you my family member's address in the US so that you can deliver directly to her me and I will keep my thirty bucks.
Get e-mail saying: That sounds great your French Fries will see you in three weeks.
Immediately forget about this entire interaction and move on to bigger book tour problems such as finishing the book.
Just kidding. Book was finished. Not kidding that I forgot about shoes.
Much more than three weeks later get e-mail from Etsy saying Your Shoes Have Shipped!
But problem.
E-mail shows that French Fry sneakers have shipped to my home address in Canada not my family member's address in the US.
Immediately write back to Etsy saying: Attached please find previous e-mail chain where I requested a change in address and you agreed.
Immediately get response from Etsy saying: Our store is now closed. Thank you for your loyalty!
Great.
(This may explain why so many people don't end up writing books. They may not be able to get the sneakers they need for their book events.)
Three weeks later get confirmation receipt from Etsy saying French Fry sneakers have been delivered to Canadian address.
(They have not).
Call family member in US to see if shoes somehow landed there.
Family says: Oh I was meaning to call you. You got a package from Etsy.

Lessons Learned:

1. Confirmation of shipping and delivery do not necessarily reflect shipping and delivery.
2. Address shipped to does not necessarily reflect address actually shipped to.
3. Store that is closed may have responsibly shipped your order before it closed so don't panic.
4. French fry sneakers are as cute as I hoped but the soles are white so they might be too summery for a late fall book launch event.

Book Reviews Same, Different, Me and Upshot

This month I wrote two book reviews for two different online magazines and only later realized that they are on similar topics and probably could have been reviewed together.
Mama, Mama, Only Mama
Blissfully Blended Bullshit

Same:

1. Both are Memoirs
2. Told from Mom point of view
3. Marriages/relationships break up
4. Two kids
5. Laugh out loud funny
6. Very quick reads

Different:

1. Graphic language in one, recipes in the other
2. How to use food stamps for max effectiveness in one, condo in Mexico in the other

Me:

1. Nervous about writing book reviews because want to have good book review karma
2. Also am sometimes actual friends with author (eg Only Mama) and want her to be happy
3. Have admired other authors (eg Blissfully) for years and want her to be happy
4. Thank the good lord loved both books and they are an excellent pairing because treat similar topics from different points of view

Upshot (this is a word I really like and I feel does not get used enough):

Both book reviews have been published and both authors seem fine with them. Both have agreed under much duress and arm twisting to review my book in the fall so stay tuned.

Here We Go Again

Circle for a while and end up parking indoors in an office building.
Exit building.
Door slams behind us and we realize that the door was an exit only. Like, doors do not even have handles that we can attempt to pry open. We are in an alley. We have no idea how we will get back in building to retrieve car after the show.
In fact, we don't really have a clear idea of exactly where we have parked.
However.
Husband says. Let's go and worry about this later.
(Later)
Exit spectacular show humming Dancing Queen. Pouring rain.
Walk to where we believe we parked.
No entry.
Walk around city block looking for open door.
All locked.
Finally find sign posted that states If you have trouble getting in, call This Number or go to This Address.
We go to This Address.
Locked.
But Wait.
These buildings are all part of the same development and I think I see someone opening a glass door across the street.
Follow him in and walk to Security at end of hall.
Explain our situation (blah blah parked, blah blah locked, blah blah get in).
Let me see your parking ticket. Security says.
Husband pulls out white paper receipt with arrow on it.
Security takes it and says. You see how it has these numbers on it?
Yeah?
They are a code.
OK?
Walk back to where you drove your car in. Between the two garage doors you will see an unmarked keypad. Punch in code, including the * symbol.
Door will open.

Let Me Get This Straight
With no notification anywhere, we were expected to look on the parking coupon.
We should have known immediately that the string of numbers and symbols was a code.
We were then supposed to go to the garage doors where we entered the parking lot in our car, which was nowhere near the pedestrian exit to the garage.
We should have seen the unmarked keypad nestled between the two doors.
We should have understood that this code should be punched into that keypad.
Huh.

Lessons Learned
1. Next time you visit a cosmopolitan, bilingual city you may want to pack your magic de-coder ring
2. Time spent in Escape Rooms is not time wasted
3. Most mysteries will reveal themselves eventually if you keep searching

Speech I Gave A Few Weeks Ago When I Had One Minute and Fifty Eight Seconds to Summarize My Upcoming Book

I flew in this morning from Montreal and I have a work deadline tomorrow. I'm the Ombudsman at a University which means I investigate complaints and I have a report due in the morning.
I get on the plane. Ready to work. And the woman in front of me reclines her seat allll the way back. My elbows are up to here. My knees are in my throat. There is no way I can type.
So what do I do now? Do I tell this woman she's in my way? Or is that too pushy?
I'm at a loss for words, which is rare for me. I'm smart. I went to Brandeis. I have a Master's Degree. But you know. No matter how much education any of us has - sometimes we can be unprepared for difficult conversations.
I look around the plane and I see seats completely reclined on my left and on my right. And I know what everyone is thinking.
They are wishing that they had a book they could turn to in these situations. A book that would outline how to ask people to move their seats up but do so in a way that doesn't make anyone uncomfortable.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Good News. I have written that book. "I WANTED FRIES WITH THAT: How to Ask for What You Want and Get What You Need" is about how to speak your mind. I wrote it so that each and every one of us - especially us Jews - will learn how to stand up for ourselves in a calm and peaceful way but assertively so that we can get what we want. If we keep quiet, nothing will ever change. If we speak up, we can change the world. I rote this book because I fundamentally believe that kvetching is the path to Tikkun Olam.
I exaggerated a little bit before. The airplane story isn't from this morning. It's a chapter in my book, and well, do you want to know what happened in the end? (Pause)
Invite me to come speak and I'll tell you the whole story.
I'm Amy Fish, and my books is called "I WANTED FRIES WITH THAT: How to Ask for What You Want and Get What You Need."

Complaint Sandwich on Brown

Yesterday a friend sent me an article about another complaint expert who suggests using a complaint sandwich when expressing your complaints (click here to read).

Am sensing a link between complaint professionals and sandwiches. This guy (named Guy) is basing his career on a complaint sandwich whereas mine took off following the ordering of a turkey sub.

I believe this is worthy of further investigation:

How a Complaint Sandwich is Like A Turkey Sub

1. Both are practical: Turkey sub is a business transaction type of meal. It may not be fantastic but it's usually edible and sufficiently filling. The complaint sandwich is practical too. It is a way of structuring your message so that you get your point across clearly. The instructions for this technique are easy to follow and clearly laid out.

2. Both are not spicy: I mean I guess you could put sriracha on your turkey sammie but for the most part it's a pretty bland food group. The complaint sandwich is a calm method of communicating as well. There is no heat - no shouting, no temper tantrums, no scathing emails. Calmness is important to keep in mind when you are about to express your complaint.

3. Both are best served fresh: Sometimes when we are complaining to someone, it's tempting to re-hash old beefs. For example: You never empty your recycling. I've talked to you about this a million times. In a complaint sandwich, you stay in the here and now. You are complaining about something that is a current issue. Turkey subs, too, can not be frozen and reheated. They are normally consumed minutes after assembly.

4. Both are best with lean meat: When complaining it is sometimes tempting to pile on the examples but all you really need is one incident to illustrate your point. If you are lean, and just stick to one thing that is driving you crazy at that moment you are more likely to get good results. I am 99% sure that the turkey used in subs is 99% lean.

5. Brown lettuce could be a problem: If your favourite part of the sandwich is the iceberg, and it looks a little brown to you, this could make for a disappointing sub. A complaint sandwich does not contain lettuce so you're probably ok there.

Where You Could Potentially Go Wrong
I don't think a complaint sandwich is edible so pay attention when you are ordering your lunch.

Tastes Like Water

Sitting in Japanese resto pub that we have never been to before waiting for poke bowls that oddly list spinach salad with cashews as key ingredient.

Husband asks server about the sake.

Husband asks so many questions about the sake that server says. Do You Want to Come in the Back With Me and See the Bottles.

Excuse me for a moment. Husband says, delighted.

Comes back empty handed and conversation between us resumes. Server brings ice bag to table with blue bottle of sake. Husband pours little cup and is sipping along.

Server comes by and says. Is Everything Ok Here.

Well. Husband says. This tastes Like Water.

Water? I say. Surprised. Let me smell.

(I don't drink at all so naturally I have assumed the role of sommelier)

Has no smell.

I take a sip. Um. I'm no sake connoisseur but I know water. This is water.

This IS water. 

Husband says. I thought it was weird that bottle cap didn't snap or pop when I twisted it.

Server says. I took one of the bottles from the display case. I guess someone replaced it with water for display purposes.

(Yeah. I guess so.)

Let me go get you a fresh bottle. 

Lessons Learned:

1. There is a thing about Jesus turning water into wine but clearly he didn't make it to the sake shelf yet.
2. Spinach salad in the poke bowl is innovative, water in the sake bottle is just plain wrong.
3. Sake bottles are known for being colourful and also generally known for containing sake but don't take the last part for granted.

Love Thy

Warning
I am going to pretend this story happened to me although it did not.

Honour Thy
Today is a Jewish Holiday called Shavuot which commemorates getting the Ten Commandments. It is the same level of holiday as Passover but for some reason never took off much with North American Jews.
Here's why that was a bad call:

• Shavuot you eat ice cream, cheesebagels and blintzes, Passover you eat matza, horseradish and balls of boiled fish;
• Shavuot you give each other flowers and plants, Passover you have to scrub your house from head to toe;
• Shavuot is two and a half days, Passover lasts over a week; and
• Shavuot you get to stay up all night reading, Passover you have to spill your wine.

(As my mother used to say Smart Smart but Dumb Dumb)

Respect Thy

We are building a new deck (not really me I am pretending this is my story this is your last warning) in the back and these projects can be super loud and messy.

Workers want to come on the weekend but I say No because neighbours are knee deep in cheesecake

celebrating an important holiday and I don't want to disrespect them with loud deck noise.

Workers say I know that matza cracker crunches loud when you eat it but they will still be able to hear themselves spill wine. No no. I say. Not that holiday. This is the one where you exchange tulip bouquets and have giant banana splits. Um sure lady they say. We will halt our work mid deck-build but there is no guarantee that we can come back on Monday. You may have to lose a few days to this so called holiday.

I am annoyed but derive some satisfaction from the fact that I am honouring the Lord on this day by respecting my neighbours and hey maybe I'll make a key lime cheesecake later.

Thou Shalt Not

Shavuot weekend rolls around and I am in the kitchen melting butter to mix with graham cracker crumbs when I see three workers approaching through the back hedge. I guess they got their days confused. I slide open glass door to tell them - Oh. 

Those are not the same guys that are building my deck. These characters are headed straight to the religious neighbours. Are they looking for a scoop of Oreo banana? Are they hoping to read all night? Are they bringing flowers?

No, Nope and Uh-Uh. 

They are taking out their tool belts.

They are hammering and sawing and making lots of noise.

They are rebuilding the religious neighbour's deck. On the holiday. Amidst bites of cheesecake.

They are using a snowblower to clean up which is blowing inches of dust all over my yard, half-built deck, kitchen window.

Revelation 

1. Now I can see why this holiday never took off. Very noisy and too much dust.

2. Commandment should be re-written to read: Love thy neighbour as much or slightly less than you love yourself, and don't cancel your deck re-build just to make them happy because they wouldn't do the same for you.

It Happened to Me

Trying to make coffee/drinks date with New Writer Friend when it turns out we both like burritos and there is a burrito shop in my building.

In fact we both like de-constructed burrito bowls which we both order.

We are blah blah blahing away when it turns out there is a little rock in my deconstructed burrito bowl. It's gray and about the size of a tooth.

(It is not a tooth. I checked.)

I get up and bring the deconstructed burrito bowl which is in a mini tin foil pan but imagine a bowl back to the cash. I show the stone to the cashier who also made the food a few minutes earlier.

The only thing I can do for you is give you your money back. He says.

That's all I want. I say. I paid cash.

I remember. He says. And gives me back the nine dollars and forty something cents.

I take my deconstructed back to the table and resume eating.

Q & A:

Q: I always want to complain but some people worry that the chef will spit in their food. How do you avoid this?
A: In this case, the food was in my hands the whole time so there was no spitting risk. Also the kitchen is open so I could see if any bodily fluids were exchanged with my guac. If you are genuinely worried that someone is going to hoark in your food you have the following options:

• complain on the way out, after you've finished your meal;
• only eat at restaurants with open kitchens so that you can see what's what;
• only order things where spit would immediately show up, for example a steak, and avoid easy camouflage items like fettuccini alfredo; and/or
• never complain about anything and resign your self to suboptimal treatment for the rest of your days.

Q: How could you finish the dish once you found a rock in it?
A: I was hungry. Also, burrito. Truth is it looked like the kind of rock that you find when you rinse your rice out. For all of you non-rice rinsers, be careful this could happen to you. It looked more like something forgotten than something sinister but I still didn't feel I should have to pay for the meal.

Q: Were you embarrassed to complain in front of someone you barely know?
A: Maybe I should have been, in retrospect, but the truth is it didn't even occur to me. I saw the rock, stood up and dealt with the problem.

Q: You paid almost ten bucks for a burrito?
A: You know, I grapple with this issue a lot. There is controversy regarding privilege (eg, having a job, buying lunch, overspending). At the same time, there is controversy surrounding authenticity (eg, pretending that it's your last dime when in fact you have a whole stack of dimes.) I am not sure what to feel about this, other than to say that I have had varying income levels in my lifetime, I have paid more for a burrito and less for a pair of shoes, and if any of this is insulting or inappropriate I am sorry, that is not my intention.

I Accidentally Ate the Pizza of The Guy Sitting Next to Me

We (me and Husband) are at a Jazz concert/dinner event and are seated at a table for four, with two people we have never seen before in our lives.

At first I thought it was table for four like my favourite Chinese restaurant in Toronto where you may be seated with complete strangers and you ignore each other for the duration of the dinner.

Um, no. It's table for four like at a wedding where you are seated with complete strangers but you are expected to make polite conversation with each other for the duration of the dinner.

You are not expected to accidentally eat the guy next to you's pizza.  

(Oops)

It is an intimate little café that appears marginally overwhelmed by the quantity of dinner orders that need fulfillment at the same time.

I order the veggie flatbread pizza with the following in mind:

• I see it walk by and it looks fine
• If the kitchen runs out of oven space they can pop it into the toaster oven
• Even if the pizza comes out cold it will still be pizza
• Veggies cancel out the cheese and bread (duh)

Server comes to the table with curry tofu salad for one of the strangers at our table. 

Server then comes directly to me and hands me a pizza.

The pizza has only a few stray peppers on it.

Is this the veggie pizza? I ask.

Yes. Server says.

I take a bite of the pizza. The peppers are hot jalapeño numbers. 

I say to Husband. I don't remember there being hot peppers on my pizza. I guess they ran out of mushroom pepper onion and someone in the back said Hey Let's Open A Jar A These.

Reasons why I decide not to complain effectively at this moment:

• Kitchen is trying their best and I don't want to make matters worse for them
• I'm there for the music not the food 
• Husband planned this entire date night and am having a good time 
• Don't want to cause a scene
• Pizza is still pizza.

Guy sitting next to me says. If you don't like Your Pizza, I can give you some of My Pizza when it comes.

Not only are there jalapeño peppers on the pizza but also some hot red chili numbers.

I'm fine though. It's still pizza.

Approximately twenty three minutes elapse during which Husband receives and eats his burger, Lady finishes her curried tofu and Guy next to me waits for his pizza.

Different Server then comes to the table. She is holding a veggie pizza. Piled high with mushrooms. Yellow peppers. Diced onions. 

Tries to serve it to me, but I am sitting in front of a plate of crusts.

Different Server says. This is Your Pizza.

I look under the table to see if there is a trap door that will allow me to escape with minimum embarrassment.

There is not.

Guy next to me says. I think you ate my pizza by mistake. 

(Looks like it)

He was hoping for some hot peppers and is not that excited by the crushed mushrooms.

Don't worry. He says. I will go to the kitchen and take care of this.

Which he did.

But I was still SO EMBARRASSED.

Lessons Learned:

1. If you don't complain effectively you might end up accidentally eating your neighbour's pizza
2. Even people who make their living complaining sometimes take shortcuts
3. The shortcuts usually backfire so prob better to just politely say "I don't think this is the pizza I ordered"
4. Worst part was when the Guy said What do you Write About and I said Complaining and he said Pretty Ironic.
5. Thankfully we were seated with friendly and understanding people even if we don't share their taste in pizza

What's New With Me

1. Last Monday was a holiday here so I didn't post, thank you for your understanding.

2. Here's a link to the piece I wrote for Bliss Magazine about how complaining led me to find my bliss.

3. I also presented at the Jewish Book Council last week, which means I had one minute and fifty eight seconds to present my 256 page book. Click here to read about the JBC.  I met representatives from Jewish communities across North America which was amazing, and also got to rub shoulders with some impressive authors and have been ordering books non-stop since I left.

4. People have already started booking me for Fall 2019 speaking engagements which is fantastic and let's face it a big relief. If you are interested in learning about how to be a better complainer, how to deal with people complaining to you, or how to teach your kids to complain for themselves, please let me know and I would be delighted to share some of my insights with you.

Mother's Day - Do You Sense a Theme

Mother's Day 2018:

Wrote one of my most popular posts ever - about talking to your kids about sex.  If you missed it, check it out here. 

Mother's Day 2019, Part One:

Send husband link to Jewish film festival at local theatre and add the tag line "Mother's Day idea?"

Husband writes back "Done."

"Done? I was half-joking I can't believe you clicked! How many tickets did you get?"

He looks at me like I am bananas. I mean, it's an email so I don't know that for sure. But I sense it.

"Five." (There are five people in our family.)

"We're bringing the kids?" To a documentary. Jewish film festival.  At 2pm. On what might be a beautiful sunny day in May. 

Yikes. We really are pulling the Mother's Day card.

Mother's Day 2019, Part Two:

Friday before Mother's Day go out for long overdue lunch with writer friend who writes borderline erotica romance. Her novels are set in Montreal and the third book in her trilogy is coming out in June, called Swap Club 3, check out her and the books here.

We exchange Mother's Day plans.

She is going for brunch at her mom's house. Vanilla.

My Sunday is a little unexpected. Documentary, public, daylight, teenagers.

"You have to blog about this," she says. "Let's think of a title."

Mother's Day 2019, Minutes Before Departure:

"Are you actually serious? We're all going to this? I'm not going."

"I can't go Sunday. I have to work."

"We're walking there? I'm not walking there. Can't we take the car?"

Mother's Day 2019, Movie Title:

Ask Dr. Ruth: Size Doesn't Matter

Lessons Learned:

1. Even when Mother's Day is fun and goes smoothly there are going to be people who sleep through the movie
2. Jewish Film Festival has come a long way since Yentl
3. If you have your children captive on Mother's Day, use the time to promote your own agenda
4. Dr. Ruth is as captivating at 90 as she was at 65. Highly recommend the movie.

Where's the Beef Might Be A Chicken Salad.

You know how I have a book coming out in Oct?

And

You know how it's called "I Wanted Fries With That: How to Ask for What You Want and Get What You Need"?

And

You know how the title is loosely based on the McDonald's slogan "Do You Want Fries With That?"

And

You know that I live in Montreal which is in Quebec which is mainly French?

Well, Listen To This.

Guess what they were saying in Quebec while the rest of us were saying "Do You Want Fries With That?"

They were saying:

"Un chausson avec ça?" which loosely translates to "Would you like a hand held apple pie with that?"

Observations
1. Luckily poutine was not invented at McDonald's. We would be stuck with apple pie smothered in gravy and cheese.

2. You would think that French fries would be all the rage in a province where almost every one speaks French but instead Quebec was into Apple Pie bringing into question the expression "As American as  --"

3. Hang on, Quebec has one word which means hand-held-apple-pie?

4. You can translate something literally but the principle can still be lost.

5. If my book ends up getting translated I'm going to need some new emojis.

Today's Roundup

1. I took last Monday off for Passover/Easter thank you for your understanding.

2. I wrote a piece for Assay Journal about a non-fiction panel I attended. Click here to read.

3. I was interviewed for a Finance Blog, Golden Girl Finance, Click here to read.

4. I posted a blog post this morning but it somehow got dated April 1st, Click here to read.

5. I am just going through the copy edits for my new book, out in Oct and available for pre-order, Click here to order. It's been in the top 50 for motivational books all week (sitting at 42 right now) and it's not even out yet so we have high hopes.

Have a great day and hope to see you next Mon with new material that will be correctly dated (unlike this morning's April 1st piece). I thought April fool's day jokes were supposed to happen on April fools.

Not: A Tale of Three Ubers

1. I Am Not Gina
I walk out of the train station onto a busy street. I see my Uber in a black Camry.
I get in and he takes a left, and says Just to confirm, you're going to Northern Ave?
I'm like No, I'm going to -  Shit. Did I put in the wrong -
Wait. He says. You are Gina?
(I am Not Gina.)
I burst out laughing, he chuckles politely and pulls over to the curb.
Thank you for not killing me! I shout as I grab my bag from the trunk.

2.  I Am Not Learning My Lesson
Later that same night I walk out of the hotel and my Uber is waiting for me in a white GMC.
I get in the back seat.
Who are you looking for? I ask because now I'm getting smart.
Guy turns around.
I'm not an Uber he says.
Oh my g-d I'm so sorry. I got into some guy's car and he is not even an Uber driver.
I jump out faster than you can say Check the license plate next time.

3. I Am Not The Only Tim Horton's Fan
I check the license plate before I get in.
I was upgraded to a Lexus due to availability.
I tell Uber driver about my inability to correctly identify a moving vehicle misadventures.
You think you have problems he says.
This morning I picked up a girl from Texas who missed her flight home, couldn't find her friends, had no data plan, packed only summer clothes and was severely hung over.
(Oh man that does not sound good.)
What did you do with her?
I drove her around for about 20 minutes.
And then?
I let her use my phone.
And then?
She still couldn't find her friends.
So then?
I did the only thing I could think of
Which was?
I dropped her off at a Tim Horton's and wished her luck.