Asked and Answered

First Thought

I get very excited when people write in asking me for advice. Today however I received a letter where Wendy solved her problem and needed absolutely nothing from me.

Verbatim Reprint

Dear Ask Amy,

I wanted to write to you about a situation that I successfully resolved today. 

A large pine tree was uprooted in a recent windstorm and was leaning on power lines in the backyard. I called the power company who sent a truck to the house. Hubs talked to the tree people, who said they intended to drive their very large truck over the rain-sodden yard to remove tree. Hubs said that was unacceptable as it would leave large ruts in the lawn and destroy the garden. Tree people said that was the only option and asked if we were refusing service. Hubs said yes. Tree people went to sit in their large truck outside my house.

Hubs informed me of the situation and was very upset. I did not know how to resolve this as I want electricity, my lawn not destroyed, and my Hubs happy all at the same time. I remembered your fine advice and decided to start by asking questions. Is it possible to remove tree without huge ruts in lawn? Who else has had this problem? How did they deal with it? Who could answer these questions?

I then made breakfast and called the power company because breakfast always helps. I feel this is very important though I don't remember if it is enumerated in your book. I outsmarted the automated system by yelled "representative" at every voice prompt and I actually got a human on the phone. I explained the problem very nicely and asked her what we could do to solve this. She had no idea but found a supervisor who was happy to send a smaller truck and planks so the tires didn't sink into the yard. 

Everyone was happy, no one yelled, and breakfast was delicious. Thank you for your excellent book which helped me solve my problem.

Signed,

Windy Wendy in Wisconsin 

Closing Remarks (from me)

1. Please provide more detail regarding your breakfast order.
2. Yelling "representative" sure does fast track things.
3. Asking for a supervisor at the right moment helps too. 
4. Planks so the tires don't sink was a good idea.
5. My advice is so good, I don't even have to be there to implement it.

Books and Other Resources Recommended at This Years' Erma Bombeck Virtual Workshop

Books about Writing or Motivation 
Small Move, Big Change by Caroline L. Arnold
Mastering Suspense, Structure and Plot by Jane Cleland
The Writing Life by Anne Dillard
The Essential Guide to Getting Your Book Published by Arielle Eckstut and David Henry Sterry
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
Inside Story by Julia Goldberg
Freeing the Writer Within by Natalie Goldberg
Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg and Julie Cameron
Mojo: How to Get it, How to Keep it, How to Get it Back if You Lose It by Marshall Goldsmith
Story Trumps Structure by Steven James
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott
Naked, Drunk and Writing by Adair Lara
Tell it Slant by Brenda Miller and Suzanne Paola
Comedy Writing Self- Taught by Gene Perret
The Byline Bible: Get Published in Five Weeks by Susan Shapiro

The Hero's Journey by Chris Vogler
On Writing Well by William Zinsser

Non-Fiction Essay/Memoir
A Year by the Sea by Joan Anderson
Fourth State of Matter by Joanne Beard (New Yorker article)
Giving up the Ghost Baby by Estelle Erasmus (essay)
Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher
You're Leaving When? by Annabelle Gurwitch
An Earlier Life by Brenda Miller
Halfway to Each Other by Susan Pohlman
Once More to the Lake by E.B. White (Essay)

Books to Read for Story Structure/Suspense
My Sister, the Serial Killer by Oyinkar Braithwaite
And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie

Don't Let Go by Harlan Coben
Hollywood Homicide by Kellye Garrett
The Wife Between Us by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen
Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover

A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood

Saturday by Ian McEwan
Almost Missed You by Jessica Strawser

Books That Were Recommended But Are Not My Cup Of Tea Even Though They Were Widely Acclaimed and Possibly Won the Pulitzer 
Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Less by Andrew Sean Greer
Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larson

Movies That Came Up in Conversation

As Good As It Gets

Bridget Jones Diary

Bringing Up Baby

Elizabeth (with Cate Blanchett)
Emma

(500) Days of Summer

Genius
Girl Friday

High Fidelity

Notting Hill

Public Speaking

13 going on 30

Proposal

Serendipity

When Harry Met Sally

Books That People in the Workshop Wrote And Asked Me to Include on This List

Stardust: A Memoir (of sorts) About Fear, Freedom and Improv by Joanne Brokaw

Latkes for Santa Claus by Janie Emaus

Practice, Practice, Practice: This Psychiatrist's Life by Daniela Gitlin

A Dragon Song: An Allegory of a Life Half-Lived and Fully Processed So Far by Jill Brehm Enders

Whistleblower’s Guide to Family Court: How to Survive Custody and Visitation by Christine McCue

Why a Cat is Still Better Than A Man by Allia Zobel Nolan

Bookshop Owned by Erma-ite That We Should All Support

The Optimist

Etc:

Uber Suggest web site to look for trending words

Timed prompts to get you writing: @NaNoWordSprints on Twitter
Katrina Kittle's online courses with Word's Worth Writing Connections
Where to Submit: Duotrope
The Writing Cooperative
Narratively

Oh Right And One More Thing

How to Make Everyone Happy During Lockdown

I Need Advice

Dear Complaint Department,
Here’s my problem. I have two teenagers, very close in age. One kid wants out of the house as all his friends are out and not distancing. The other kid is petrified to go out due to everything he has heard over the past 2 months as well as he sees all the kids breaking the rules. I find myself pulling back one kid and pushing the other kid out the door for at least some air! Then there’s the husband who says he doesn’t want any of us at risk.... he says he’ll get his own apartment if any of the kids put us in danger. This Corona virus is driving this mom crazy. Nobody is happy.
Signed,
Mom On The Brink

Dear Mom On The Brink,
First, I am so sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Please know that you're not alone. Many of us - moms or otherwise - are struggling with paying our rent, keeping our floors clean and hanging on to our last shred of dignity sanity. It sounds to me like your main issue is that you are trying to make everyone happy during lockdown and it's not working. Let's see if any of these tips work for you.

Accept The Differences

It sounds like some of your frustration is coming from pushing one kid out the door and pulling the other one back in. To make everyone happy during lockdown, we may need to first accept that it takes different things to make different people happy. For efficiency's sake, it would be better if all our kids were exactly the same. They would be able to share hoodies, musical instruments, goalie skates. However, let's also admit to ourselves that it would make life kinda boring. One of your kids wants to go out all the time. One would rather stay in. One may like carrot sticks and ranch, the other might prefer sautéed beet greens. There is no reason why they need to be on the same page just because we are mid-pandemic. The lucky thing is that you know what each of them needs/wants, and you can tailor your parenting accordingly. Now that you know where they stand, you can expect and anticipate what kind of coaching each person needs.

Kid Is Petrified

For your kid that is scared, being happy during lockdown may not be possible right now. If he doesn't want to go out because of what he's been hearing, you may want limit his news exposure and to be careful what you say in front of him. He may be picking up on some of the anxiety in the house, or he may been reading some of the extreme posts on line that would scare the pants off of any of us (if we are wearing pants, these are trying times). Another is to openly discuss with him what his fears are, and show him some of the scientific articles discussing calculated risk.  If you go outside with him, or if he sees you going outside, this may be reassuring for him. Or, he might generally be the kind of person who prefers to stay home in which case you may have to continue to gently suggest that he get some fresh air, as you've been doing. Finally, we need to consider that he may be extra stressed and upset because of the huge disruption to his life. In that case, you may want to seek some help for him depending on what's available in your area, with your insurance, etc.

Kid Running Around

For your son that is cavorting in the streets, as long as he is doing so safely while maintaining rules for social distance and keeping in touch with you, I am not majorly concerned. It sounds like he is happy during lockdown and probably doesn't need any intervention from us.

Husband's Apartment

Things are stressful for many people right now and marriages are no exception. If your husband is offering to get an apartment because he's concerned about the risk level in your house, you may need to sit together and re-visit your rules to come up with something that works for both of you. If he is threatening to flee to an apartment because he just can't take it anymore, it may not be the worst idea for him to take a few nights in his own place and re-calibrate before he returns to family life. Or, he may want to rule the roost while you take a few nights off. What I don't like here is the threat. If things don't go his way, then he's going to leave. I might suggest that we take the threatening aspect off the table, and if the two of you really do need a few nights (or weeks) apart, then let's see how to make that happen in a peaceful way so that it will strengthen your relationship and bring you closer to being happy during lockdown, instead of you trying to singlehandedly operate a household with a sword dangling over your head.

Happy Is A Big Word

I understand that you are trying to make everyone happy during lockdown but I have to tell you honestly this may not be possible. Lockdown is hard, COVID-19 sucks, and happy might be a big ask. We may need to lower our expectations to finding some happy moments or joyful laughter but to expect that one person (you) can singlehandedly keep four people (your family) happy for weeks at a time during a global pandemic might not be realistic. 

More Than A Hot Bath

Listen to me. You need to take care of yourself. When your stress level escalates like this - completely understandable under the circumstances - this is a red flag. Your body is telling you that you need to replenish, refill, do whatever it takes to make yourself happy during this lockdown. For some people it's a hot bath - for others, that's lame. It may be new books, great coffee, some moments alone in the sunshine. Your assignment is to figure out what YOU need and make sure you get it. You will not be able to look after all these other people if you are feeling depleted. This is your permission slip: Please. Put yourself first. Give yourself some time each day that is just about you. 

In Conclusion

Take care of yourself. Everything else is gravy.

Should I Allow My Teenager to Social Distance?

I Need Advice

Dear Complaint Department,

Help! My kids are 15 and 11 and sick of staying home with me. They want to go out and see their friends but I've been saying an emphatic NO. Apparently, I'm the only one. Their friends are riding bikes together, sitting on benches in the park, even walking to get pink drinks!!! Do their parents have rocks in their heads? Are they not following the news?? I don't mind taking a hard line if necessary but I need a sanity check - Am I crazy? Should I allow my teenager to social distance?

Signed,

Mean Mom

Dear Mom,

I don't think you're mean, or crazy. I think you're trying to keep your family safe during really difficult times. Many of us with kids, jobs and a roof over our heads have the luxury of lying awake at night asking ourselves the same questions:

1. Where am I going to get vanilla extract?
2.  Is it safe to pick up Tim Horton's coffee?
3. Should I allow my teenager to social distance?

The short answer is: you need to do what works for you and your family.
The longer answer is: here are some things to think about when making your decision.

Don't Be Ugly

Whether or not you allow your teenager to social distance, I have one ask: Please don't be ugly.

When I say COVID-19 has brought out the ugly in so many of us, you might be thinking about chipped nails or grey roots. Yes, I would like a shellac mani as much as or maybe more than anyone else, but that's not what I mean. What I mean is that COVID-19 has turned us into a bunch of Gladys Kravitzes - neighbours that are peering through our windows, hoping to catch each other in an act of subversive witchcraft or at least less than six feet apart. 

It is understandable that we are spending more time observing our neighbours - we're home more, and Tiger King only has so many episodes. But. Please. Remember that your teenagers are always watching you and learning from your behaviour. You need to model being a good citizen. If you are constantly judging your neighbours and commenting on what they wear to take out the trash , what they are ordering for take-out and who is passing around red Solo cups, your kids might think it's ok to be critical of those we disagree with.

Yes, maybe your neighbours are more lax about allowing their teenager to social distance. They also might have a pet ferret. You don't have to share all the same values with those around you but I ask you to please not be mean about it. Repercussions will last way longer than lockdown.

Risk Reduction

If deep in your heart you want to allow your teenager to social distance, but you are nervous about it, think about what could happen to make you more comfortable.

From everything I've read, it appears that social distance visits held outdoors at six feet apart are not very dangerous. Therefore, it seems to me that if your kids want to see one friend at a time, from six feet apart, outdoors, you might consider allowing it. If you are concerned that they might get carried away, you can insist on supervising. Keep your headphones (or stay engrossed in a book or take on a complex knitting pattern) on so that you don't listen in to the conversation. If you are immunosuppressed, or compromised, or anyone in your family is at super-high risk, this solution might not be appropriate. But, if you have no specific reason to be worried, safe and supervised social distancing might be a realistic option. If you are concerned about transfer on materials, request that the friend bring their own chair. If this still feels uncomfortable to you, consider offering masks and gloves.  If you are concerned about particles escaping while chewing, insist that this will be a snack-free event. If you are concerned about bathroom usage, keep the visit very short to eliminate this possibility. 

Alternately, bike rides with a friend might be an option. It is my understanding that riding bikes outside is a very low risk activity. If your teenager has a bike and if you live in an area where biking is a safe option, this might be something to consider allowing. You may want to tag along (from a distance) to ensure that the rules of social distance are maintained when stopping. 

I am not saying you should allow your teenager to social distance. That is 100% your decision. I am just asking you to consider if it would be possible to sufficiently reduce the risk so that you are comfortable.

You Don't Know What You Don't Know 

When you see teenagers roaming around your neighbourhood or sitting in the park, please note that the alternative (being home) might be much worse for them. They may have parents who are abusive, or unwell, or who scream at them all the time. The teens may be suffering from eating disorders, or they may be in recovery from substance abuse, or they may be in a situation where staying home for one more second makes them want to jump out the window. You may know these people, and you may know their families but we don't always really know what is going on behind closed doors. Before we jump to judgement, please consider the possibility that this family or this teenager has weighed out the risks and rewards and has come to the conclusion that seeing their friends is a less risky behaviour for them than following the public health directives. We don't know what drives a teenager to social distance (or not). We do know that we don't always have all the facts. Please consider the possibility that someone's mental health may be at stake here, and they may be doing the best they can.

To Answer Your Question, "Mean Mom"

1. You are not crazy or mean, these are tough times
2. Even if you don't see eye to eye with your neighbours, try not to be ugly about it
3. There are probably ways to allow your teenager to social distance safely, figure out if any of them work for you
4. When you see teens wandering outside, please note that there might be more to the story.

How to Get Vanilla Extract During a Pandemic

1. Refresh grocery website endlessly to secure home delivery spot
2. Order pure vanilla, premium artificial vanilla and boring artificial vanilla
3. Receive e-mail with list of items not available this week including vanilla
4. Ask kids to unpack grocery order because it arrives at 9pm so late you are already in bed
5. Order vanilla again from second grocery store
6. Pick up groceries. Get free turkey bacon from clerk for being so patient while lady in white car screams and yells about being next in line, despite not being parked in car order zone. Listen to couple in minivan have raging fight about going to the Post Office. Open trunk to receive order, wipe hands with Clorox wipes. Check e-mail. No Vanilla Available.
7. Get call from your Dad asking if you want to add something to his online order. Ask for vanilla.
8. Get call from your Dad. There is no vanilla.
9. Give up on vanilla. Bake poppy seed cookies from cookbook that is so old vanilla extract has not been invented yet and is therefore not required.
10. Decide fridge is filthy and do a pre-clean to ascertain how much time the deep clean will take.
11. Reach behind the Intense Bon Maman strawberry jam and knock over giant bottle of artificial vanilla extract.

Lesson Learned
Sometimes we look everywhere for something and it's right under our nose the whole time.

Other Lesson Learned
No matter how much time we spend teaching the kids there are always some things we forget to mention like where to store the artificial extract.

Final Lesson Learned
We are slowly getting used to the pandemic normal and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Next Year, Ice Cream?

Background
1. My Uncle Avi died last year
2. It broke my heart
3. It broke a lot of other people's hearts too, read about him here
4. He put the date on everything. If he gave you a lamp, you could turn it upside down and find it dated.
4. May 3rd was his birthday

Art
1. I am marginally obsessed with the work of greatly admire contemporary artist and writer Austin Kleon
2. Austin Kleon and I were both interviewed on the same podcast (him) (me) which makes us practically cousins
3. Austin Kleon has a complex system for keeping notebooks that he is always going on about and I have notebook issues too so this is one of the reasons I have tattooed his face on my wrist I love his work.

Also
A friend of mine posted a few months ago that on her (late) mother's birthday she drinks her mother's favourite drink and gets her mother's favourite lottery scratch off tickets in memory of her mom on that day

Which Got Me Thinking
1. That we should do something like that for Uncle Avi, which would include either eating breakfast for dinner (his favourite meal) or having ice cream (same) or being philanthropic and doing an act of kindness (see link in Background above).
2. However this was just a thought in my head and I did nothing to make it happen.

Back to Kleon
1.  Kleon has a few shticks and one of them is that he uses an old fashioned date stamp with an ink pad on all his pages, post-it notes, journal entries, etc
2. It looks great, very neat, very retro-library

Amazon
1. The date stamp and ink pad are dirt cheap but when I put them in my cart, it turns out that they are "add-on" items. In other words I have to order something else to get them sent to me
2. Add them to cart and wait for next time I want something

Also Amazon
1. Meaning to read friend of mine's husband's book so I add it to my cart
2. Get an email from amazon saying that the date stamp and ink pad have shipped without the book
3. Why would you make something an "add-on" to save shipping and then not ship it together.

Sunday May 3rd
1. The date stamp and ink pad arrived on Uncle Avi's birthday.
2. Unexpected opportunity to celebrate him and something he really cared about.

Grocery Roulette

Click on selected groceries and put in cart.

Confirm order, check email, yup, confirmed.

Wait two weeks.

Go to Designated Pick Up Area, call store.

Wait for boxes to be put in car.

Open trunk, worker puts boxes in, exchange a few pleasantries, go on my way.

Wipe car down with Clorox wipes even though haven't left my seat, get into house, sanitize hands, bring bags to kitchen, wash hands again.

Put away groceries.

Next morning eyes are not yet open before thinking about what to make for supper. Maybe will grill the frozen steaks I picked up from the grocery store yesterday.

Wait a second.

I don't remember putting a box of steaks in the freezer.

Did I forget to order them?

Check phone.

Steak ordered. Also ordered ice cream bars and ice cream sandwiches neither of which I remember seeing in car, in bags or in freezer.

Check car.

Not there (phew) also not in freezer, fridge, pantry or front hall.

Try to call grocery to discuss situation but they are obviously busy serving other customers who are trying to engage in way more altruistic activities than locating a box of frozen steak (for example, getting food for elderly, for front line health care workers and/or for food banks.)

I go back to the store in person. Park in Designated Pick Up Area.

Call posted number and tell them that I am back in a spot because my bag of freezer stuff did not make it into my car yesterday, and could they please check in the freezer to see if it's still there.

Person comes out to verify situation. Says yes, he saw the bag he will bring it out.

Disappears.

Manager comes out to verify situation. Says she has no record of me ordering steaks, ice cream sandwiches, ice cream bars. Look here, I say to her passing her my phone.

Are you sure? she says.

I have Clorox wipes, I say, gesturing to the cup holder on my right.

Looks at my phone, sees order. OK I will check she says and passes me phone.

I cover my hand with a Clorox wipe as though laying out a blanket for a picnic and receive the phone.

First guy comes out again not holding a bag of frozen product. Confers with manager several feet from my car. Go back into building together.

Third woman comes out, looks exhausted. Asks me why I'm here. I explain that I picked up an order yesterday and the bag of frozen items was missing, I think they left it in the freezer.

First guy comes out again. He has my frozen steaks. He has ice cream sandwiches. He has ice cream bars. He also has a second box of ice cream sandwiches and a second box of ice cream bars.

Wait! I didn't order two boxes - is this a mistake?

Nope.  A present. For the inconvenience. I just wanted to do something nice.

Lessons Learned

1. You can win big at the Roulette table if you are playing for groceries
2. Keeping Clorox wipes in your car may be the only thing standing between you and a steak dinner
3. Ironically the best way to solve this online problem was in person
4. This explains why grocery stores are having inventory problems, it's not the supply chain
5. Human contact is still possible in this no-contact environment
6. If you haven't already tried the boxes of frozen steaks - they make a great dinner

Complaint Tie-Ins

1. Had I not said anything or not gone back to the store, I would not have gotten my frozen items that I paid for
2. I tried to resolve it over the phone and it didn't work so I went to Plan B - in person
3. I knew what I wanted as outcome - my items. If I wanted a refund, I would have continued to pursue the phone or email options
4. I didn't know for sure if it was going to work but it was worth a try and look - free ice cream!

Corona Costume Party Ideas (Pretend it is the future when you read this)

1. Superhero health care workers: Borrow blue or green hospital scrubs and wear a red cape, in tribute to all the doctors, nurses and other staff who risked their lives and got us through the pandemic while we sat at home watching hand-washing videos.

2. Zoom: Cut out 6-8 rectangular photos and put a red microphone and/or a video logo in the bottom left hand corner of each. Tape to your torso. For extra laughs, include some of the memes that went around (e.g., person on the toilet)

3. Empty shelves: Cut strips of brown corrugated cardboard and attach to your arms. Put little tags showing what should be on the shelves (e.g., toilet paper, flour, sugar).

4. Gen Z Spring Break partier: Shorts, t-shirt and sunglasses and a bottle of Corona. Try to look oblivious for maximum impact.

5. Hand sanitizer: Don't go to the party. you are too scarce. If anyone asks where you are, tell them you'll show up for $800.

Isn't It Ironic Don't You Think

Husband has been a fan of Alanis Morissette since we were wearing flannel shirts and eating ramen every night.

Read about Jagged Little Pill the musical where her original soundtrack is taken to create a story about a family in Connecticut, nothing to do with Alanis' life, but all of her music is used. Sort of like a Mamma Mia gone grunge if you will.

Musical is on Broadway, and we, my friends, are Broadway-bound.

My cousin gets tickets to show and is bringing two people, L and D.

Husband's cousin gets tickets to show and is bringing three people, C, C and E.

(Is this a bar mitzvah or a show?) (We have a close family).

Two days before the show, one of the C's cancels.

I text my cousin to see if she can get rid of Husband's cousins' extra ticket and she says: No and funny story, D cancelled too and I also can't get rid of ticket.

I ask around too although I know few people in NYC and half of them are already coming with us to the show.

Hope they can both figure this out because between C and D,  they will be out between $119 and $200 each which could buy a lot of ramen and flannel.

Husband's cousin ends up finding a substitute for one of the C's, and my cousin ends up with an empty seat next to her, for our coats.

Intermission comes and goes and we are enjoying the second half of the show.

UNTIL.

Hear coughing and someone gets up and leaves the theatre through the side emergency exit, followed by about twenty more people and the actors are on stage valiantly soldiering through.

Lights go on and PA system says: WE NEED TO PAUSE THE SHOW to investigate an incident.

We see uniforms enter the theatre although from where we are sitting can not swear they are cops, might be security, and then we hear EVERYONE FROM THE LEFT SIDE PLEASE LEAVE THE THEATRE, RIGHT SIDE STAY SEATED.

We are on the RIGHT SIDE so I dash to the bathroom (no line!) figuring show will continue shortly.

I come out, drying my hands on my jeans because have you read about how germs those hand dryers are? and see Husband holding my coat as the entire theatre has been ASKED TO EVACUATE.

We empty onto the street figuring the show will continue shortly.

Police arrive. Ambulances. The Anti-Terrorism unit.

Rumour is that someone accidentally sprayed pepper spray. In the theatre. During the show.

And second rumour is that this caused an asthma attack and other possible health issues for the people sitting in the vicinity. They are being ultra careful.

After about 75 minutes of shivering in the below zero weather  waiting outside, my cousin and I go get some tea. I may pour it down my boots.

90 minutes after we left the theatre, there is an announcement: SHOW WILL NOT GO ON. You can GET your MONEY back or you can get a rain check.

The Ledger As I See It:

1. D who paid for his ticket and couldn't come is out $0
2. Husband's cousin who paid for 4 expensive tickets and had to get a last minute sub is out $0
3. Me (and Husband) who paid for flight, hotel, trip, ramen, brunch and didn't get to see the end of the show are out many, many $ 
4. But this is an experience we won't soon forget

Limb Part Two

In the throes of panic I text writing friend/mentor/talker off ledges who encourages me to write to Hippocampus editor and ask what happened, believing that there is some logical explanation other than that something horrible has happened and its all my fault.

Turns out: 
I was so nervous about submitting my book review late in December that I actually submitted super early which means that when it came time to publish the issue, my book review was long forgotten. This was immediately corrected and had I not mentioned it to you, you probably wouldn't've noticed.

Logical explanation, quick response time and complete correction of situation.

Why I Believe This Story Is Worth Telling: 

1. Because I was so busy worrying that I had made a grievous error that I almost didn't speak up for myself even though I am in the middle of building a career predicated on the importance of speaking up for yourself.
2. Also because it took a good friend to give my head a shake and push me out the door.
3. And finally because you need to know that even people who blah blah on and on about follow up and feedback sometimes get caught up in worst-case-scenario-ing and need encouragement.

If You Want to Read the Book Review:

click here

Out On A Limb: Part One

December 2018

Write first ever book review for Hippocampus Magazine and submit approx 12 hours before piece is due. 

Turn off computer and take first ever digital/screen/social media break with no access to email or text for a week.

January 2019

Return to world of screens to discover multiple emails/messages saying that file was never received or was impossible to open.

Deadline missed.

Heart sinks.

File then re-covered and re-sent, posted in Jan 2019 issue.

Problem solved.

Yet: left with lingering sense that have taken fantastic opportunity (book reviewer for a lit mag) and ruined it for myself, reputation will be forever destroyed and all future book reviews will be read through the lens of skepticism because personal credibility is now very much in question.

Realistically: no one cares.

Summer 2019

Receive another book for book review for Hippocampus Magazine and it's called: "The Uncomfortable Confessions of a Preacher's Kid."

Problem/Concern: I'm Jewish. Very Jewish. How will I relate to this book.

On the Other Hand: That's why we/I read memoir. Obsessed Interesting to learn about other lives and walk in other shoes preferably shiny new sneakers.

Fall 2019

Do nothing about this upcoming project. However  leaving something to marinate in the back of your mind is not exactly the same as doing nothing because sometimes it takes (me) a while to come up with a solution/idea.

December 2019

Read book. Have idea for review but know that it's a bit out there. Instead of straight book review will write it in Evangelical prayer form. Our Father, etc.

Write review.

Send it in weeks ahead of deadline.

Put in cover letter: I went out on a limb with this one. Please let me know if it's too much and I will write more normal version.

Also put in cover letter: I will be going screen-free for a week so I'm cc'ing my Husband here. Please let him know if there are any problems/issues/concerns re file so that we don't have a repeat performance of what happened last year even though I'm sure you don't remember but I am still recuperating  and he will let me know.

December 2019

Response from Hippo: Got review. All good. Happy New Year.

January 2020

Hippocampus Magazine comes out.

Book review is not in it.

Possible Explanations:

1. Everyone remembers what happened last year and decided that if I'm going to be presumptuous and take screen breaks without being sure that my file was opened then I get what I deserve 

2. Once my review was opened and read, it was deemed too horrible to even send a rejection letter and so someone else was assigned the book to do a more normal review

3. Someone was offended about the Jewish/Evangelical thing and no one knows how to talk to me about it.

What Really Happened:

Come back tomorrow and I'll tell you the rest of the story.

The Straw That (Part 3)

Let me catch you up to date.

First, if this is the first you're hearing about a straw debacle - check out parts one and deux here and here.

Here's the latest-

B's adorable girlfriend comes in and says she saw a package outside our house and picked it up for us before it could get stolen (by what are now called porch pirates - you're welcome).

A package? Hmmm. I think everything on sale in the Western Hemisphere I ordered has already arrived.

Wait, it's from the same people that inadvertently sent me those nesting straws. What do they want now?

Did you order something from them? Husband asks.

I don't think so, I say with all the conviction of someone who accidentally ordered face scrub from Spain.

I open the package and it's the same package of nesting straws.

No.

This can't be possible.

Check the packing slip, and yup, poor Amy Fish from Monroe Township loses her straws once again. In fact, according to the slip, these were sent URGENT and FOR QUICK DELIVERY.

Husband takes a closer look at the straws than I ever did and figures out that in fact they do come with a cleaning brush so let me print a retraction right here and say I'm sorry for the Ew.

I immediately pull out my phone and contact customer service, letting them know that once again, they have the wrong Amy Fish.

Just kidding.

We finish dinner and forget about the reusable nesting straws.

Three days elapse.

Oh right I forgot to deal with the straws.

Jump back on to website and chat box with same guy.

Try to explain what happened but he keeps referring to it as "my order".

I tell him this is the furthest thing from my order, I never asked for these straws, and if anything they are becoming the opposite of environmentally friendly as they continuously re-ship them incorrectly to not only the wrong person, but the wrong country.

(I am wondering what poor Amy Fish is using for straws while this all gets ironed out)

Chat box guy is stumped and told me he needs to research this further and get back to me.

Meanwhile I am seriously considering one of the following:

• Moving to Monroe Township to see what other mail I can intercept
• Changing my name to Cardi B, I'm sure her online shopping is better than a few lousy straws
• Sending the straws to Amy at my own expense 
• Using disposable straws as a lifetime protest

This story is probably not over, stay tuned.