How to Make Everyone Happy During Lockdown

I Need Advice

Dear Complaint Department,
Here’s my problem. I have two teenagers, very close in age. One kid wants out of the house as all his friends are out and not distancing. The other kid is petrified to go out due to everything he has heard over the past 2 months as well as he sees all the kids breaking the rules. I find myself pulling back one kid and pushing the other kid out the door for at least some air! Then there’s the husband who says he doesn’t want any of us at risk.... he says he’ll get his own apartment if any of the kids put us in danger. This Corona virus is driving this mom crazy. Nobody is happy.
Signed,
Mom On The Brink

Dear Mom On The Brink,
First, I am so sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Please know that you're not alone. Many of us - moms or otherwise - are struggling with paying our rent, keeping our floors clean and hanging on to our last shred of dignity sanity. It sounds to me like your main issue is that you are trying to make everyone happy during lockdown and it's not working. Let's see if any of these tips work for you.

Accept The Differences

It sounds like some of your frustration is coming from pushing one kid out the door and pulling the other one back in. To make everyone happy during lockdown, we may need to first accept that it takes different things to make different people happy. For efficiency's sake, it would be better if all our kids were exactly the same. They would be able to share hoodies, musical instruments, goalie skates. However, let's also admit to ourselves that it would make life kinda boring. One of your kids wants to go out all the time. One would rather stay in. One may like carrot sticks and ranch, the other might prefer sautéed beet greens. There is no reason why they need to be on the same page just because we are mid-pandemic. The lucky thing is that you know what each of them needs/wants, and you can tailor your parenting accordingly. Now that you know where they stand, you can expect and anticipate what kind of coaching each person needs.

Kid Is Petrified

For your kid that is scared, being happy during lockdown may not be possible right now. If he doesn't want to go out because of what he's been hearing, you may want limit his news exposure and to be careful what you say in front of him. He may be picking up on some of the anxiety in the house, or he may been reading some of the extreme posts on line that would scare the pants off of any of us (if we are wearing pants, these are trying times). Another is to openly discuss with him what his fears are, and show him some of the scientific articles discussing calculated risk.  If you go outside with him, or if he sees you going outside, this may be reassuring for him. Or, he might generally be the kind of person who prefers to stay home in which case you may have to continue to gently suggest that he get some fresh air, as you've been doing. Finally, we need to consider that he may be extra stressed and upset because of the huge disruption to his life. In that case, you may want to seek some help for him depending on what's available in your area, with your insurance, etc.

Kid Running Around

For your son that is cavorting in the streets, as long as he is doing so safely while maintaining rules for social distance and keeping in touch with you, I am not majorly concerned. It sounds like he is happy during lockdown and probably doesn't need any intervention from us.

Husband's Apartment

Things are stressful for many people right now and marriages are no exception. If your husband is offering to get an apartment because he's concerned about the risk level in your house, you may need to sit together and re-visit your rules to come up with something that works for both of you. If he is threatening to flee to an apartment because he just can't take it anymore, it may not be the worst idea for him to take a few nights in his own place and re-calibrate before he returns to family life. Or, he may want to rule the roost while you take a few nights off. What I don't like here is the threat. If things don't go his way, then he's going to leave. I might suggest that we take the threatening aspect off the table, and if the two of you really do need a few nights (or weeks) apart, then let's see how to make that happen in a peaceful way so that it will strengthen your relationship and bring you closer to being happy during lockdown, instead of you trying to singlehandedly operate a household with a sword dangling over your head.

Happy Is A Big Word

I understand that you are trying to make everyone happy during lockdown but I have to tell you honestly this may not be possible. Lockdown is hard, COVID-19 sucks, and happy might be a big ask. We may need to lower our expectations to finding some happy moments or joyful laughter but to expect that one person (you) can singlehandedly keep four people (your family) happy for weeks at a time during a global pandemic might not be realistic. 

More Than A Hot Bath

Listen to me. You need to take care of yourself. When your stress level escalates like this - completely understandable under the circumstances - this is a red flag. Your body is telling you that you need to replenish, refill, do whatever it takes to make yourself happy during this lockdown. For some people it's a hot bath - for others, that's lame. It may be new books, great coffee, some moments alone in the sunshine. Your assignment is to figure out what YOU need and make sure you get it. You will not be able to look after all these other people if you are feeling depleted. This is your permission slip: Please. Put yourself first. Give yourself some time each day that is just about you. 

In Conclusion

Take care of yourself. Everything else is gravy.