Should I Allow My Teenager to Social Distance?

I Need Advice

Dear Complaint Department,

Help! My kids are 15 and 11 and sick of staying home with me. They want to go out and see their friends but I've been saying an emphatic NO. Apparently, I'm the only one. Their friends are riding bikes together, sitting on benches in the park, even walking to get pink drinks!!! Do their parents have rocks in their heads? Are they not following the news?? I don't mind taking a hard line if necessary but I need a sanity check - Am I crazy? Should I allow my teenager to social distance?

Signed,

Mean Mom

Dear Mom,

I don't think you're mean, or crazy. I think you're trying to keep your family safe during really difficult times. Many of us with kids, jobs and a roof over our heads have the luxury of lying awake at night asking ourselves the same questions:

1. Where am I going to get vanilla extract?
2.  Is it safe to pick up Tim Horton's coffee?
3. Should I allow my teenager to social distance?

The short answer is: you need to do what works for you and your family.
The longer answer is: here are some things to think about when making your decision.

Don't Be Ugly

Whether or not you allow your teenager to social distance, I have one ask: Please don't be ugly.

When I say COVID-19 has brought out the ugly in so many of us, you might be thinking about chipped nails or grey roots. Yes, I would like a shellac mani as much as or maybe more than anyone else, but that's not what I mean. What I mean is that COVID-19 has turned us into a bunch of Gladys Kravitzes - neighbours that are peering through our windows, hoping to catch each other in an act of subversive witchcraft or at least less than six feet apart. 

It is understandable that we are spending more time observing our neighbours - we're home more, and Tiger King only has so many episodes. But. Please. Remember that your teenagers are always watching you and learning from your behaviour. You need to model being a good citizen. If you are constantly judging your neighbours and commenting on what they wear to take out the trash , what they are ordering for take-out and who is passing around red Solo cups, your kids might think it's ok to be critical of those we disagree with.

Yes, maybe your neighbours are more lax about allowing their teenager to social distance. They also might have a pet ferret. You don't have to share all the same values with those around you but I ask you to please not be mean about it. Repercussions will last way longer than lockdown.

Risk Reduction

If deep in your heart you want to allow your teenager to social distance, but you are nervous about it, think about what could happen to make you more comfortable.

From everything I've read, it appears that social distance visits held outdoors at six feet apart are not very dangerous. Therefore, it seems to me that if your kids want to see one friend at a time, from six feet apart, outdoors, you might consider allowing it. If you are concerned that they might get carried away, you can insist on supervising. Keep your headphones (or stay engrossed in a book or take on a complex knitting pattern) on so that you don't listen in to the conversation. If you are immunosuppressed, or compromised, or anyone in your family is at super-high risk, this solution might not be appropriate. But, if you have no specific reason to be worried, safe and supervised social distancing might be a realistic option. If you are concerned about transfer on materials, request that the friend bring their own chair. If this still feels uncomfortable to you, consider offering masks and gloves.  If you are concerned about particles escaping while chewing, insist that this will be a snack-free event. If you are concerned about bathroom usage, keep the visit very short to eliminate this possibility. 

Alternately, bike rides with a friend might be an option. It is my understanding that riding bikes outside is a very low risk activity. If your teenager has a bike and if you live in an area where biking is a safe option, this might be something to consider allowing. You may want to tag along (from a distance) to ensure that the rules of social distance are maintained when stopping. 

I am not saying you should allow your teenager to social distance. That is 100% your decision. I am just asking you to consider if it would be possible to sufficiently reduce the risk so that you are comfortable.

You Don't Know What You Don't Know 

When you see teenagers roaming around your neighbourhood or sitting in the park, please note that the alternative (being home) might be much worse for them. They may have parents who are abusive, or unwell, or who scream at them all the time. The teens may be suffering from eating disorders, or they may be in recovery from substance abuse, or they may be in a situation where staying home for one more second makes them want to jump out the window. You may know these people, and you may know their families but we don't always really know what is going on behind closed doors. Before we jump to judgement, please consider the possibility that this family or this teenager has weighed out the risks and rewards and has come to the conclusion that seeing their friends is a less risky behaviour for them than following the public health directives. We don't know what drives a teenager to social distance (or not). We do know that we don't always have all the facts. Please consider the possibility that someone's mental health may be at stake here, and they may be doing the best they can.

To Answer Your Question, "Mean Mom"

1. You are not crazy or mean, these are tough times
2. Even if you don't see eye to eye with your neighbours, try not to be ugly about it
3. There are probably ways to allow your teenager to social distance safely, figure out if any of them work for you
4. When you see teens wandering outside, please note that there might be more to the story.