Isn't It Ironic Don't You Think

Husband has been a fan of Alanis Morissette since we were wearing flannel shirts and eating ramen every night.

Read about Jagged Little Pill the musical where her original soundtrack is taken to create a story about a family in Connecticut, nothing to do with Alanis' life, but all of her music is used. Sort of like a Mamma Mia gone grunge if you will.

Musical is on Broadway, and we, my friends, are Broadway-bound.

My cousin gets tickets to show and is bringing two people, L and D.

Husband's cousin gets tickets to show and is bringing three people, C, C and E.

(Is this a bar mitzvah or a show?) (We have a close family).

Two days before the show, one of the C's cancels.

I text my cousin to see if she can get rid of Husband's cousins' extra ticket and she says: No and funny story, D cancelled too and I also can't get rid of ticket.

I ask around too although I know few people in NYC and half of them are already coming with us to the show.

Hope they can both figure this out because between C and D,  they will be out between $119 and $200 each which could buy a lot of ramen and flannel.

Husband's cousin ends up finding a substitute for one of the C's, and my cousin ends up with an empty seat next to her, for our coats.

Intermission comes and goes and we are enjoying the second half of the show.

UNTIL.

Hear coughing and someone gets up and leaves the theatre through the side emergency exit, followed by about twenty more people and the actors are on stage valiantly soldiering through.

Lights go on and PA system says: WE NEED TO PAUSE THE SHOW to investigate an incident.

We see uniforms enter the theatre although from where we are sitting can not swear they are cops, might be security, and then we hear EVERYONE FROM THE LEFT SIDE PLEASE LEAVE THE THEATRE, RIGHT SIDE STAY SEATED.

We are on the RIGHT SIDE so I dash to the bathroom (no line!) figuring show will continue shortly.

I come out, drying my hands on my jeans because have you read about how germs those hand dryers are? and see Husband holding my coat as the entire theatre has been ASKED TO EVACUATE.

We empty onto the street figuring the show will continue shortly.

Police arrive. Ambulances. The Anti-Terrorism unit.

Rumour is that someone accidentally sprayed pepper spray. In the theatre. During the show.

And second rumour is that this caused an asthma attack and other possible health issues for the people sitting in the vicinity. They are being ultra careful.

After about 75 minutes of shivering in the below zero weather  waiting outside, my cousin and I go get some tea. I may pour it down my boots.

90 minutes after we left the theatre, there is an announcement: SHOW WILL NOT GO ON. You can GET your MONEY back or you can get a rain check.

The Ledger As I See It:

1. D who paid for his ticket and couldn't come is out $0
2. Husband's cousin who paid for 4 expensive tickets and had to get a last minute sub is out $0
3. Me (and Husband) who paid for flight, hotel, trip, ramen, brunch and didn't get to see the end of the show are out many, many $ 
4. But this is an experience we won't soon forget

Limb Part Two

In the throes of panic I text writing friend/mentor/talker off ledges who encourages me to write to Hippocampus editor and ask what happened, believing that there is some logical explanation other than that something horrible has happened and its all my fault.

Turns out: 
I was so nervous about submitting my book review late in December that I actually submitted super early which means that when it came time to publish the issue, my book review was long forgotten. This was immediately corrected and had I not mentioned it to you, you probably wouldn't've noticed.

Logical explanation, quick response time and complete correction of situation.

Why I Believe This Story Is Worth Telling: 

1. Because I was so busy worrying that I had made a grievous error that I almost didn't speak up for myself even though I am in the middle of building a career predicated on the importance of speaking up for yourself.
2. Also because it took a good friend to give my head a shake and push me out the door.
3. And finally because you need to know that even people who blah blah on and on about follow up and feedback sometimes get caught up in worst-case-scenario-ing and need encouragement.

If You Want to Read the Book Review:

click here

Out On A Limb: Part One

December 2018

Write first ever book review for Hippocampus Magazine and submit approx 12 hours before piece is due. 

Turn off computer and take first ever digital/screen/social media break with no access to email or text for a week.

January 2019

Return to world of screens to discover multiple emails/messages saying that file was never received or was impossible to open.

Deadline missed.

Heart sinks.

File then re-covered and re-sent, posted in Jan 2019 issue.

Problem solved.

Yet: left with lingering sense that have taken fantastic opportunity (book reviewer for a lit mag) and ruined it for myself, reputation will be forever destroyed and all future book reviews will be read through the lens of skepticism because personal credibility is now very much in question.

Realistically: no one cares.

Summer 2019

Receive another book for book review for Hippocampus Magazine and it's called: "The Uncomfortable Confessions of a Preacher's Kid."

Problem/Concern: I'm Jewish. Very Jewish. How will I relate to this book.

On the Other Hand: That's why we/I read memoir. Obsessed Interesting to learn about other lives and walk in other shoes preferably shiny new sneakers.

Fall 2019

Do nothing about this upcoming project. However  leaving something to marinate in the back of your mind is not exactly the same as doing nothing because sometimes it takes (me) a while to come up with a solution/idea.

December 2019

Read book. Have idea for review but know that it's a bit out there. Instead of straight book review will write it in Evangelical prayer form. Our Father, etc.

Write review.

Send it in weeks ahead of deadline.

Put in cover letter: I went out on a limb with this one. Please let me know if it's too much and I will write more normal version.

Also put in cover letter: I will be going screen-free for a week so I'm cc'ing my Husband here. Please let him know if there are any problems/issues/concerns re file so that we don't have a repeat performance of what happened last year even though I'm sure you don't remember but I am still recuperating  and he will let me know.

December 2019

Response from Hippo: Got review. All good. Happy New Year.

January 2020

Hippocampus Magazine comes out.

Book review is not in it.

Possible Explanations:

1. Everyone remembers what happened last year and decided that if I'm going to be presumptuous and take screen breaks without being sure that my file was opened then I get what I deserve 

2. Once my review was opened and read, it was deemed too horrible to even send a rejection letter and so someone else was assigned the book to do a more normal review

3. Someone was offended about the Jewish/Evangelical thing and no one knows how to talk to me about it.

What Really Happened:

Come back tomorrow and I'll tell you the rest of the story.

The Straw That (Part 3)

Let me catch you up to date.

First, if this is the first you're hearing about a straw debacle - check out parts one and deux here and here.

Here's the latest-

B's adorable girlfriend comes in and says she saw a package outside our house and picked it up for us before it could get stolen (by what are now called porch pirates - you're welcome).

A package? Hmmm. I think everything on sale in the Western Hemisphere I ordered has already arrived.

Wait, it's from the same people that inadvertently sent me those nesting straws. What do they want now?

Did you order something from them? Husband asks.

I don't think so, I say with all the conviction of someone who accidentally ordered face scrub from Spain.

I open the package and it's the same package of nesting straws.

No.

This can't be possible.

Check the packing slip, and yup, poor Amy Fish from Monroe Township loses her straws once again. In fact, according to the slip, these were sent URGENT and FOR QUICK DELIVERY.

Husband takes a closer look at the straws than I ever did and figures out that in fact they do come with a cleaning brush so let me print a retraction right here and say I'm sorry for the Ew.

I immediately pull out my phone and contact customer service, letting them know that once again, they have the wrong Amy Fish.

Just kidding.

We finish dinner and forget about the reusable nesting straws.

Three days elapse.

Oh right I forgot to deal with the straws.

Jump back on to website and chat box with same guy.

Try to explain what happened but he keeps referring to it as "my order".

I tell him this is the furthest thing from my order, I never asked for these straws, and if anything they are becoming the opposite of environmentally friendly as they continuously re-ship them incorrectly to not only the wrong person, but the wrong country.

(I am wondering what poor Amy Fish is using for straws while this all gets ironed out)

Chat box guy is stumped and told me he needs to research this further and get back to me.

Meanwhile I am seriously considering one of the following:

• Moving to Monroe Township to see what other mail I can intercept
• Changing my name to Cardi B, I'm sure her online shopping is better than a few lousy straws
• Sending the straws to Amy at my own expense 
• Using disposable straws as a lifetime protest

This story is probably not over, stay tuned.

Faster Than A Speeding Salad I Mean Bullet

Can not face making one more lunch so go to work with nothing.

Order $30 superfood salad for delivery which will come to approx 37 cents per kale leaf and 11 cents per pomegranate seed but worth every penny.

Order superfood right to my office door with suite number in the address and the notes.

Watch Delivery Guy pick up food and drive it to my office on the app.

Message: I am here.

Walk to office door.

He is not here.

Message Delivery Guy. You are not here. I am at the office and I don't see you. 

No answer.

Get a message on the app: Delivery Guy tried to contact you and you did not respond. Your order will be cancelled.

WHAT? No way! 

(What's worse than paying $30 for a delivery salad? Paying $30 for an undelivered delivery salad!)

Call Delivery Guy 850 times. He does not pick up. 

Write on app: Where are you? I am here and I don't see you.

He does not respond.

Meanwhile, timer is ticking down on message Your order will be cancelled.

On app, can see car in front of building but looks like car is still moving.

Maybe he is in the office lobby.

Take elevator downstairs and lobby is completely empty. Ask security and they have seen nothing resembling a  $30 superfood salad or a Delivery Guy.

Walk outside of building which is on very busy corner plus it's freezing to see if can identify Delivery Guy. Nope.

Go back on elevator, back to office, maybe I missed him.

Nope.

Call and message a few more times. Nothing.

Finally get message on app. I am here.

Ok, I write back. DO NOT MOVE. I will be right down to lobby to get superfood which at this point I am hoping comes with superpowers because I may need them. I am about 90 seconds away from Order will be cancelled. 

Back on elevator, back down to lobby, back outside in balmy Montreal December.

Delivery runs across the street and hands me the bag. Sorry About That. He says. I got a ticket from the cops.

(Oh man, it is really not his day)

Here are my issues:

1. I'm sorry he got a ticket
2. No one asked him to park illegally or make an illegal u-turn 
3. (In other words Who Knows Why he got a ticket)
4. (However of course I still feel badly for him, but I don't feel responsible)

Still it was wrong of him to report me as unresponsive when he was the one being non-responsive.

Grab salad, take elevator back up to office, open app and tell them what happened.

Ten minutes later, response: We are sorry your superfood salad was not delivered. We are refunding your order completely. 

Here are my issues:

1. I didn't say the order was cancelled, I said he was about to cancel me
2. I don't deserve a full refund, I am three kale leaves away from finishing the damn thing
3. (However if you aren't going to read  my complaint correctly I can't be held responsible)
4. (So thank you for picking up the tab)

In conclusion:

It's ok to feel badly for someone (like the driver getting a ticket) without feeling responsible for his actions. And, it's ok to report someone for something they did wrong (like saying I was not responsive and they should cancel my order) if there's a $30 salad at stake - or anything else that is dear to your heart. And, if you report the situation accurately and that moves someone to refund you completely, then it's ok to put the money in your virtual pocket and walk away. You can use it to buy another salad next week.

Straw (Part Two)

Scour Instagram and Facebook Sniff around for clues about the other Amy Fish and come up empty.
But.
There is an email us and we will respond within 24 hours address on slip.
I take a picture of the address label to Amy Fish, Canada next to the packing sheet that says Amy Fish, Monroe Township.
I send it to the 24 hour help email saying I got a package I didn't order, I think you sent it to the wrong Amy Fish.
Then I go to sleep.
Wake up to an email saying:
As a Holiday Gift, Please Keep The Straws. We have already requested that a new package be sent to the original orderer.

Thoughts:

• Why doesn't Amy Fish from Monroe Township dream bigger like for example a GG Marmont velvet shoulder bag in fuschia
• Obviously they were going to let me keep the straws, I could've not reported it and just put them in my pocket and walked away
• I like that they tried to pass it off as a Holiday Gift
• I also like the use of the word Holiday Gift instead of Christmas Gift, very politically correct

Also:

• I still don't know how this happened and I never will. Isn't nice that there are just some unanswered questions in the universe.

Lesson Learned

Sometimes you need to complain on behalf of someone else even if you don't know them. If I would have said nothing, the web site might not have believed Amy Fish, Monroe Township when she said her package was never delivered. Or, if the straws were sent to Amy as a gift, she never would have received them and would have thought whoever sent them was a liar when they said How did you like the straws. Or, maybe they would have been mad at Amy Fish for not sending a thank you note when she never even got the gift or knew it existed. So basically, it's fair to say that my quick email to the company is instrumental in keeping families and friends together. You're welcome.