The Straw That (Part One)

Not sure about you but have been shopping online more than strictly necessary saving lots of money over here.

For example ordered a suitcase online and specified that it be left at my front door if I'm not home.

Come home yesterday to small box on my desk.

Things That Run Through My Head

• Please tell me I didn't order a mouse-sized suitcase
• I have ordered so many things I don't even know what I ordered anymore
• Maybe someone sent me a gift (hopeful)
• Or did I enter a yarn swap (also hopeful)

Open box.

Remove tons of packaging to reveal a miniature suitcase.

Just kidding.

Remove tons of packaging to reveal turquoise cylinder of aluminum, reusable nesting straws.

I Did Not Order These Straws For The Following Reasons

• I already have a reusable straw on my keychain which comes with a cleaning brush
• This set does not come with a cleaning brush so ew
• I still use plastic straws and I'm not afraid to admit it
• Also I didn't see this online

Now I need to check packing slip for clues.

Oh this is a new one.

Straws were ordered by Amy Fish, but the one in Monroe Township,  not the one in Montreal.

Possible Theories

• Amy Fish of Monroe Township sent me straws for a present
• Amy Fish of Monroe Township is coming to surprise me for the holidays and wants to make sure she has the right straws to sip from
• The packager was reading my book as they packed and sent it to me by mistake
• The database got their Amy Fishes mixed up

What should I do now?

No Such Thing As A Free Car Wash

Background

Have been doing a lot of interviews in conjunction with my new book. One question I get asked all the time is: 

Do you always complain effectively? Or is there ever a time where you don't complain, or you don't get what you want?

Background 2

A couple a days ago I was interviewed for a podcast and the answer to a lot of the questions was: 

The blog. Complaint Department. I try to post every Monday. I write a piece of creative nonfiction, I guess you'd call it flash non fiction, on Mondays. Yeah, it requires discipline, but I find for my readers, they get used to looking out for my posts on Mondays.

Therefore

Here is a story about me not complaining effectively and not getting what I want. Also, today is Tuesday.

So:

Car maintenance A16 needed. Appointment Monday morning 7:45am.

Pull up at 7:52am, right on schedule.

Check in with Junior Automotive Consultant. 

Your car will be ready in about an hour maybe 45 minutes.

In that case, I'll wait. 

Great. I'll mark a W on your page so that the guys in the back will know to move their you-know-whats. Would you like your car washed.

No thank you. I have to get to work. Please just do the A16.

Yes Ma'am that's not a problem. 

Thank you.

Pull book that I'm working on for book review out of my bag and get some reading in.

Finish oat milk latte (brought from home, car dealership is nice but come on)

Read more pages, call my sister, blah around on social.

Oh.

Almost two hours have elapsed.

Check in with Junior Automotive Consultant. What Happened to My Car.

Hmmm. He says. I think they may have taken it to get washed.

I don't want my car washed.

Yeah, I know. I'm not sure what happened. Let me look in the back.

(Looks in the back)

Yup, they took your car to be washed. It will probably be a few more minutes.

Well like how many minutes. I thought you said it would be about an hour.

Yeah, it should be. But for some reason they thought it needed to be washed.

Senior Automotive Consultant looks up from his computer.

I can see right here that you didn't want your car washed. I'm not sure what happened, but I also think we have a misunderstanding.

Oh?

Yes, you were here at what - 7:30am? The guys don't start working till 8am, so - ?

Right. I get it. But I have to get to work and my car is -?

Junior goes in back to see where car is again.

Senior says I can close you out here as soon as they punch in the ticket.

(I don't speak car dealership but I think he wants my credit card)

I hope you aren't charging me for the car wash.

No, no, ma'am that's entirely complementary. 

Thank you.

I will be late for work but at least I'll be driving a clean -

Is that my car?

Yes Ma'am.

And it was washed?

No. It was in the queue for the car wash, but we took it out to give it back to you so that you wouldn't have to wait any longer.

In Conclusion

1. You can ask to not get your car washed and still not get your car washed, but longer version.

2. W on the work order can mean customer Waiting or could mean Wash car even when customer says not to (or it could mean What a Sucker)

3. I somehow managed to wait an extra 90 minutes and STILL not benefit from a free car wash. How's that for ineffective complaining?

I Can't Think Of A Title, How's This - When It Rains

Middle son G is 18. He wears shoes.
He pays for his own clothes and shoes because up until recently he had a job in an umbrella factory.
(Not really an umbrella factory, but inside joke for those who have read my Fries book.)
G needs sneakers for gym class which he remembers to bring with him but sadly forgets in the Uber.
I am driving him to school when he tells me the story. He is supposed to get there on his own but it is pelting rain and I guess I'm a sucker.
"This all happened yesterday?"
"Yeah. Mom don't worry though. They were very worn out."
"The ones with holes in the bottom?"
"Nah. Those are downstairs. These ones have holes on the sides."
(I guess you will have to find a new umbrella factory to work in/at)
We pull up to school.
Rain still coming down.
"Mom look."
I look through the window and catch a glimpse of worn out Vans, leaning gently against the chain link fence.

The Uber driver brought them back.

Lessons Learned:
1. If you spend all your money on Ubers, you will not be able to afford new shoes.
2. If you need shoes for gym class, hope for rain, your Mom might give you a lift and you will have job security working in an umbrella factory.
3. At first glance it seems like Uber driver was a saint for bringing the shoes back to school but if you can imagine teenage boy sneakers worn to holes and then left in the rain to soak and then left in the car to dry off we can speculate that perhaps the driver could no longer breathe and was longing for the fresh scent of pine air freshener.

A Picture is Worth

Y's daughter is graduating from high school and sits for graduation pictures.

Order form comes.

Smallest package available is $270. Includes four wallet size and an 8x10.

Y figures that after all the time and effort (and cash) they have put into getting daughter this far, what's another 270 bucks. Plus there are grandparents each with a gaping hole in their wallets just waiting for this photo.

Package arrives.

Pics are blurry.

You're kidding.

(This is probably how phones with cameras got invented. A mom was so frustrated shelling out hundreds for school photos she probably figured it would be cheaper to create a smartphone and take the pics herself.)

Y does not want to accept mediocre photographs especially at highway robbery those prices.

Calls place.

Customer Service says: What Can I Do For You.

Y says: Blah blah daughter, blah blah pictures, Can you see the pictures from there?

Customer Service says: Wait a minute, I just have to load em up, my computer is so slow today - hold on - yes - 

Y says:  Well can you please look at the photographs and tell me - do they look blurry to you? I mean, you do this all day and you're the expert, I just wanted to get your opinion?

Customer Service says: Yeah, actually. They do look kind of blurry. We can absolutely sharpen the image from here and send them out.

Y: Oh, thank you so much, that's terrific.

Customer: Also, I noticed a little pimple on your daughter's chin and we can zap that right out and send these off to you today.

Lessons Learned

1. Rely on the expertise of those around you.
2. Everyone likes to be the hero, even Customer Service 
3. It seemed like a big ask - how would Customer Service be able to check if the photos Y received were blurry, and how would they be able to fix the problem remotely, but in the end it worked out better than Y ever dreamed.
4. Customer Service and estheticians have more in common than you would think.

Things People Have Said To Me On The Book Tour So Far

1. I think you can read less from the book at your events.
2. I think you could read more from the book at your events.
3. You look way better in person. I had seen your pictures and I wasn't expecting you to look so - alive.
4. I'm also going to write a book. 
5. Everyone tells me I should write a book.
6. I ordered your book off amazon and it didn't come yet. Can you call them and get the book for me.
7. I didn't realize you were so good at public speaking.
8. You told me you were good at public speaking but I didn't believe you.
9. You missed your calling. You should be a professional public speaker.
10. Did you take a course on public speaking? Or did you read a book on how to do it?
11. I think you are better with a small crowd, more intimate.
12. I like your energy better with a big crowd, more fiery.
13. I didn't buy your book, I didn't feel like waiting in line.
14. How much money are you making for doing this?
15. You're not getting the money? Then who is?

How to Get a Complete Refund

Daughter T playing in basketball tournament in Atlanta.
I am in France.
Basketball television network (not its real name) offers several subscription models all of which have free cancellation.
I take the $9.95 weekly figuring I will cancel after a week.
Sit on beautiful rattan bench in courtyard and watch games on my iPad marveling at the miracles that got me here, her there, and me able to see her play.
Cancel subscription.
Wake up the next morning thinking I don't trust these people 100% and log back onto site, go on to chat help desk and ask for confirmation that I correctly cancelled subscription.
Chat help desk person KAW says I have cancelled your subscription for you.
I have a weird feeling about this so I keep the email with the chat script.
Two and a half months elapse during which time I miss the repeated charges and pay the bill anyway have gone through my credit card statement with a fine tooth comb but somehow miss this repeated charge.
Get an email from Basketball television network about how much they miss me, how they notice I haven't logged on in a while and how they hope I'm OK.
Which is very thoughtful of them.
But.
I thought I already cancelled this subscription. And $9.95 weekly is not a negligible amount of money.
Log back on to site and click on chat help desk.
Tell LBJ that I cancelled subscription on July 30th at 3:56pm.
LBJ says. I'm really sorry about that. Let me refund you completely and right now. Email confirmations will be sent to you immediately and expect a credit on your card within the next few days.

Lessons Learned
1. If you cancel a subscription, you still may get charged for it so be careful.
2. If your credit card gets charged incorrectly and you inadvertently pay the bill, you can still go back and get a refund.
3. If the only way to communicate with this website is over chat, don't despair, you may still be able to get what you want.
4. If your daughter tells you that under no circumstances does she want you to watch her game, and you go all the way to France to feign nonchalance, Basketball television network will help you outsmart even the wiliest teenager.