Here We Go Again

Circle for a while and end up parking indoors in an office building.
Exit building.
Door slams behind us and we realize that the door was an exit only. Like, doors do not even have handles that we can attempt to pry open. We are in an alley. We have no idea how we will get back in building to retrieve car after the show.
In fact, we don't really have a clear idea of exactly where we have parked.
However.
Husband says. Let's go and worry about this later.
(Later)
Exit spectacular show humming Dancing Queen. Pouring rain.
Walk to where we believe we parked.
No entry.
Walk around city block looking for open door.
All locked.
Finally find sign posted that states If you have trouble getting in, call This Number or go to This Address.
We go to This Address.
Locked.
But Wait.
These buildings are all part of the same development and I think I see someone opening a glass door across the street.
Follow him in and walk to Security at end of hall.
Explain our situation (blah blah parked, blah blah locked, blah blah get in).
Let me see your parking ticket. Security says.
Husband pulls out white paper receipt with arrow on it.
Security takes it and says. You see how it has these numbers on it?
Yeah?
They are a code.
OK?
Walk back to where you drove your car in. Between the two garage doors you will see an unmarked keypad. Punch in code, including the * symbol.
Door will open.

Let Me Get This Straight
With no notification anywhere, we were expected to look on the parking coupon.
We should have known immediately that the string of numbers and symbols was a code.
We were then supposed to go to the garage doors where we entered the parking lot in our car, which was nowhere near the pedestrian exit to the garage.
We should have seen the unmarked keypad nestled between the two doors.
We should have understood that this code should be punched into that keypad.
Huh.

Lessons Learned
1. Next time you visit a cosmopolitan, bilingual city you may want to pack your magic de-coder ring
2. Time spent in Escape Rooms is not time wasted
3. Most mysteries will reveal themselves eventually if you keep searching

Speech I Gave A Few Weeks Ago When I Had One Minute and Fifty Eight Seconds to Summarize My Upcoming Book

I flew in this morning from Montreal and I have a work deadline tomorrow. I'm the Ombudsman at a University which means I investigate complaints and I have a report due in the morning.
I get on the plane. Ready to work. And the woman in front of me reclines her seat allll the way back. My elbows are up to here. My knees are in my throat. There is no way I can type.
So what do I do now? Do I tell this woman she's in my way? Or is that too pushy?
I'm at a loss for words, which is rare for me. I'm smart. I went to Brandeis. I have a Master's Degree. But you know. No matter how much education any of us has - sometimes we can be unprepared for difficult conversations.
I look around the plane and I see seats completely reclined on my left and on my right. And I know what everyone is thinking.
They are wishing that they had a book they could turn to in these situations. A book that would outline how to ask people to move their seats up but do so in a way that doesn't make anyone uncomfortable.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Good News. I have written that book. "I WANTED FRIES WITH THAT: How to Ask for What You Want and Get What You Need" is about how to speak your mind. I wrote it so that each and every one of us - especially us Jews - will learn how to stand up for ourselves in a calm and peaceful way but assertively so that we can get what we want. If we keep quiet, nothing will ever change. If we speak up, we can change the world. I rote this book because I fundamentally believe that kvetching is the path to Tikkun Olam.
I exaggerated a little bit before. The airplane story isn't from this morning. It's a chapter in my book, and well, do you want to know what happened in the end? (Pause)
Invite me to come speak and I'll tell you the whole story.
I'm Amy Fish, and my books is called "I WANTED FRIES WITH THAT: How to Ask for What You Want and Get What You Need."

Complaint Sandwich on Brown

Yesterday a friend sent me an article about another complaint expert who suggests using a complaint sandwich when expressing your complaints (click here to read).

Am sensing a link between complaint professionals and sandwiches. This guy (named Guy) is basing his career on a complaint sandwich whereas mine took off following the ordering of a turkey sub.

I believe this is worthy of further investigation:

How a Complaint Sandwich is Like A Turkey Sub

1. Both are practical: Turkey sub is a business transaction type of meal. It may not be fantastic but it's usually edible and sufficiently filling. The complaint sandwich is practical too. It is a way of structuring your message so that you get your point across clearly. The instructions for this technique are easy to follow and clearly laid out.

2. Both are not spicy: I mean I guess you could put sriracha on your turkey sammie but for the most part it's a pretty bland food group. The complaint sandwich is a calm method of communicating as well. There is no heat - no shouting, no temper tantrums, no scathing emails. Calmness is important to keep in mind when you are about to express your complaint.

3. Both are best served fresh: Sometimes when we are complaining to someone, it's tempting to re-hash old beefs. For example: You never empty your recycling. I've talked to you about this a million times. In a complaint sandwich, you stay in the here and now. You are complaining about something that is a current issue. Turkey subs, too, can not be frozen and reheated. They are normally consumed minutes after assembly.

4. Both are best with lean meat: When complaining it is sometimes tempting to pile on the examples but all you really need is one incident to illustrate your point. If you are lean, and just stick to one thing that is driving you crazy at that moment you are more likely to get good results. I am 99% sure that the turkey used in subs is 99% lean.

5. Brown lettuce could be a problem: If your favourite part of the sandwich is the iceberg, and it looks a little brown to you, this could make for a disappointing sub. A complaint sandwich does not contain lettuce so you're probably ok there.

Where You Could Potentially Go Wrong
I don't think a complaint sandwich is edible so pay attention when you are ordering your lunch.

Tastes Like Water

Sitting in Japanese resto pub that we have never been to before waiting for poke bowls that oddly list spinach salad with cashews as key ingredient.

Husband asks server about the sake.

Husband asks so many questions about the sake that server says. Do You Want to Come in the Back With Me and See the Bottles.

Excuse me for a moment. Husband says, delighted.

Comes back empty handed and conversation between us resumes. Server brings ice bag to table with blue bottle of sake. Husband pours little cup and is sipping along.

Server comes by and says. Is Everything Ok Here.

Well. Husband says. This tastes Like Water.

Water? I say. Surprised. Let me smell.

(I don't drink at all so naturally I have assumed the role of sommelier)

Has no smell.

I take a sip. Um. I'm no sake connoisseur but I know water. This is water.

This IS water. 

Husband says. I thought it was weird that bottle cap didn't snap or pop when I twisted it.

Server says. I took one of the bottles from the display case. I guess someone replaced it with water for display purposes.

(Yeah. I guess so.)

Let me go get you a fresh bottle. 

Lessons Learned:

1. There is a thing about Jesus turning water into wine but clearly he didn't make it to the sake shelf yet.
2. Spinach salad in the poke bowl is innovative, water in the sake bottle is just plain wrong.
3. Sake bottles are known for being colourful and also generally known for containing sake but don't take the last part for granted.

Love Thy

Warning
I am going to pretend this story happened to me although it did not.

Honour Thy
Today is a Jewish Holiday called Shavuot which commemorates getting the Ten Commandments. It is the same level of holiday as Passover but for some reason never took off much with North American Jews.
Here's why that was a bad call:

• Shavuot you eat ice cream, cheesebagels and blintzes, Passover you eat matza, horseradish and balls of boiled fish;
• Shavuot you give each other flowers and plants, Passover you have to scrub your house from head to toe;
• Shavuot is two and a half days, Passover lasts over a week; and
• Shavuot you get to stay up all night reading, Passover you have to spill your wine.

(As my mother used to say Smart Smart but Dumb Dumb)

Respect Thy

We are building a new deck (not really me I am pretending this is my story this is your last warning) in the back and these projects can be super loud and messy.

Workers want to come on the weekend but I say No because neighbours are knee deep in cheesecake

celebrating an important holiday and I don't want to disrespect them with loud deck noise.

Workers say I know that matza cracker crunches loud when you eat it but they will still be able to hear themselves spill wine. No no. I say. Not that holiday. This is the one where you exchange tulip bouquets and have giant banana splits. Um sure lady they say. We will halt our work mid deck-build but there is no guarantee that we can come back on Monday. You may have to lose a few days to this so called holiday.

I am annoyed but derive some satisfaction from the fact that I am honouring the Lord on this day by respecting my neighbours and hey maybe I'll make a key lime cheesecake later.

Thou Shalt Not

Shavuot weekend rolls around and I am in the kitchen melting butter to mix with graham cracker crumbs when I see three workers approaching through the back hedge. I guess they got their days confused. I slide open glass door to tell them - Oh. 

Those are not the same guys that are building my deck. These characters are headed straight to the religious neighbours. Are they looking for a scoop of Oreo banana? Are they hoping to read all night? Are they bringing flowers?

No, Nope and Uh-Uh. 

They are taking out their tool belts.

They are hammering and sawing and making lots of noise.

They are rebuilding the religious neighbour's deck. On the holiday. Amidst bites of cheesecake.

They are using a snowblower to clean up which is blowing inches of dust all over my yard, half-built deck, kitchen window.

Revelation 

1. Now I can see why this holiday never took off. Very noisy and too much dust.

2. Commandment should be re-written to read: Love thy neighbour as much or slightly less than you love yourself, and don't cancel your deck re-build just to make them happy because they wouldn't do the same for you.

It Happened to Me

Trying to make coffee/drinks date with New Writer Friend when it turns out we both like burritos and there is a burrito shop in my building.

In fact we both like de-constructed burrito bowls which we both order.

We are blah blah blahing away when it turns out there is a little rock in my deconstructed burrito bowl. It's gray and about the size of a tooth.

(It is not a tooth. I checked.)

I get up and bring the deconstructed burrito bowl which is in a mini tin foil pan but imagine a bowl back to the cash. I show the stone to the cashier who also made the food a few minutes earlier.

The only thing I can do for you is give you your money back. He says.

That's all I want. I say. I paid cash.

I remember. He says. And gives me back the nine dollars and forty something cents.

I take my deconstructed back to the table and resume eating.

Q & A:

Q: I always want to complain but some people worry that the chef will spit in their food. How do you avoid this?
A: In this case, the food was in my hands the whole time so there was no spitting risk. Also the kitchen is open so I could see if any bodily fluids were exchanged with my guac. If you are genuinely worried that someone is going to hoark in your food you have the following options:

• complain on the way out, after you've finished your meal;
• only eat at restaurants with open kitchens so that you can see what's what;
• only order things where spit would immediately show up, for example a steak, and avoid easy camouflage items like fettuccini alfredo; and/or
• never complain about anything and resign your self to suboptimal treatment for the rest of your days.

Q: How could you finish the dish once you found a rock in it?
A: I was hungry. Also, burrito. Truth is it looked like the kind of rock that you find when you rinse your rice out. For all of you non-rice rinsers, be careful this could happen to you. It looked more like something forgotten than something sinister but I still didn't feel I should have to pay for the meal.

Q: Were you embarrassed to complain in front of someone you barely know?
A: Maybe I should have been, in retrospect, but the truth is it didn't even occur to me. I saw the rock, stood up and dealt with the problem.

Q: You paid almost ten bucks for a burrito?
A: You know, I grapple with this issue a lot. There is controversy regarding privilege (eg, having a job, buying lunch, overspending). At the same time, there is controversy surrounding authenticity (eg, pretending that it's your last dime when in fact you have a whole stack of dimes.) I am not sure what to feel about this, other than to say that I have had varying income levels in my lifetime, I have paid more for a burrito and less for a pair of shoes, and if any of this is insulting or inappropriate I am sorry, that is not my intention.