Faster Than A Speeding Salad I Mean Bullet

Can not face making one more lunch so go to work with nothing.

Order $30 superfood salad for delivery which will come to approx 37 cents per kale leaf and 11 cents per pomegranate seed but worth every penny.

Order superfood right to my office door with suite number in the address and the notes.

Watch Delivery Guy pick up food and drive it to my office on the app.

Message: I am here.

Walk to office door.

He is not here.

Message Delivery Guy. You are not here. I am at the office and I don't see you. 

No answer.

Get a message on the app: Delivery Guy tried to contact you and you did not respond. Your order will be cancelled.

WHAT? No way! 

(What's worse than paying $30 for a delivery salad? Paying $30 for an undelivered delivery salad!)

Call Delivery Guy 850 times. He does not pick up. 

Write on app: Where are you? I am here and I don't see you.

He does not respond.

Meanwhile, timer is ticking down on message Your order will be cancelled.

On app, can see car in front of building but looks like car is still moving.

Maybe he is in the office lobby.

Take elevator downstairs and lobby is completely empty. Ask security and they have seen nothing resembling a  $30 superfood salad or a Delivery Guy.

Walk outside of building which is on very busy corner plus it's freezing to see if can identify Delivery Guy. Nope.

Go back on elevator, back to office, maybe I missed him.

Nope.

Call and message a few more times. Nothing.

Finally get message on app. I am here.

Ok, I write back. DO NOT MOVE. I will be right down to lobby to get superfood which at this point I am hoping comes with superpowers because I may need them. I am about 90 seconds away from Order will be cancelled. 

Back on elevator, back down to lobby, back outside in balmy Montreal December.

Delivery runs across the street and hands me the bag. Sorry About That. He says. I got a ticket from the cops.

(Oh man, it is really not his day)

Here are my issues:

1. I'm sorry he got a ticket
2. No one asked him to park illegally or make an illegal u-turn 
3. (In other words Who Knows Why he got a ticket)
4. (However of course I still feel badly for him, but I don't feel responsible)

Still it was wrong of him to report me as unresponsive when he was the one being non-responsive.

Grab salad, take elevator back up to office, open app and tell them what happened.

Ten minutes later, response: We are sorry your superfood salad was not delivered. We are refunding your order completely. 

Here are my issues:

1. I didn't say the order was cancelled, I said he was about to cancel me
2. I don't deserve a full refund, I am three kale leaves away from finishing the damn thing
3. (However if you aren't going to read  my complaint correctly I can't be held responsible)
4. (So thank you for picking up the tab)

In conclusion:

It's ok to feel badly for someone (like the driver getting a ticket) without feeling responsible for his actions. And, it's ok to report someone for something they did wrong (like saying I was not responsive and they should cancel my order) if there's a $30 salad at stake - or anything else that is dear to your heart. And, if you report the situation accurately and that moves someone to refund you completely, then it's ok to put the money in your virtual pocket and walk away. You can use it to buy another salad next week.

Straw (Part Two)

Scour Instagram and Facebook Sniff around for clues about the other Amy Fish and come up empty.
But.
There is an email us and we will respond within 24 hours address on slip.
I take a picture of the address label to Amy Fish, Canada next to the packing sheet that says Amy Fish, Monroe Township.
I send it to the 24 hour help email saying I got a package I didn't order, I think you sent it to the wrong Amy Fish.
Then I go to sleep.
Wake up to an email saying:
As a Holiday Gift, Please Keep The Straws. We have already requested that a new package be sent to the original orderer.

Thoughts:

• Why doesn't Amy Fish from Monroe Township dream bigger like for example a GG Marmont velvet shoulder bag in fuschia
• Obviously they were going to let me keep the straws, I could've not reported it and just put them in my pocket and walked away
• I like that they tried to pass it off as a Holiday Gift
• I also like the use of the word Holiday Gift instead of Christmas Gift, very politically correct

Also:

• I still don't know how this happened and I never will. Isn't nice that there are just some unanswered questions in the universe.

Lesson Learned

Sometimes you need to complain on behalf of someone else even if you don't know them. If I would have said nothing, the web site might not have believed Amy Fish, Monroe Township when she said her package was never delivered. Or, if the straws were sent to Amy as a gift, she never would have received them and would have thought whoever sent them was a liar when they said How did you like the straws. Or, maybe they would have been mad at Amy Fish for not sending a thank you note when she never even got the gift or knew it existed. So basically, it's fair to say that my quick email to the company is instrumental in keeping families and friends together. You're welcome.

The Straw That (Part One)

Not sure about you but have been shopping online more than strictly necessary saving lots of money over here.

For example ordered a suitcase online and specified that it be left at my front door if I'm not home.

Come home yesterday to small box on my desk.

Things That Run Through My Head

• Please tell me I didn't order a mouse-sized suitcase
• I have ordered so many things I don't even know what I ordered anymore
• Maybe someone sent me a gift (hopeful)
• Or did I enter a yarn swap (also hopeful)

Open box.

Remove tons of packaging to reveal a miniature suitcase.

Just kidding.

Remove tons of packaging to reveal turquoise cylinder of aluminum, reusable nesting straws.

I Did Not Order These Straws For The Following Reasons

• I already have a reusable straw on my keychain which comes with a cleaning brush
• This set does not come with a cleaning brush so ew
• I still use plastic straws and I'm not afraid to admit it
• Also I didn't see this online

Now I need to check packing slip for clues.

Oh this is a new one.

Straws were ordered by Amy Fish, but the one in Monroe Township,  not the one in Montreal.

Possible Theories

• Amy Fish of Monroe Township sent me straws for a present
• Amy Fish of Monroe Township is coming to surprise me for the holidays and wants to make sure she has the right straws to sip from
• The packager was reading my book as they packed and sent it to me by mistake
• The database got their Amy Fishes mixed up

What should I do now?

No Such Thing As A Free Car Wash

Background

Have been doing a lot of interviews in conjunction with my new book. One question I get asked all the time is: 

Do you always complain effectively? Or is there ever a time where you don't complain, or you don't get what you want?

Background 2

A couple a days ago I was interviewed for a podcast and the answer to a lot of the questions was: 

The blog. Complaint Department. I try to post every Monday. I write a piece of creative nonfiction, I guess you'd call it flash non fiction, on Mondays. Yeah, it requires discipline, but I find for my readers, they get used to looking out for my posts on Mondays.

Therefore

Here is a story about me not complaining effectively and not getting what I want. Also, today is Tuesday.

So:

Car maintenance A16 needed. Appointment Monday morning 7:45am.

Pull up at 7:52am, right on schedule.

Check in with Junior Automotive Consultant. 

Your car will be ready in about an hour maybe 45 minutes.

In that case, I'll wait. 

Great. I'll mark a W on your page so that the guys in the back will know to move their you-know-whats. Would you like your car washed.

No thank you. I have to get to work. Please just do the A16.

Yes Ma'am that's not a problem. 

Thank you.

Pull book that I'm working on for book review out of my bag and get some reading in.

Finish oat milk latte (brought from home, car dealership is nice but come on)

Read more pages, call my sister, blah around on social.

Oh.

Almost two hours have elapsed.

Check in with Junior Automotive Consultant. What Happened to My Car.

Hmmm. He says. I think they may have taken it to get washed.

I don't want my car washed.

Yeah, I know. I'm not sure what happened. Let me look in the back.

(Looks in the back)

Yup, they took your car to be washed. It will probably be a few more minutes.

Well like how many minutes. I thought you said it would be about an hour.

Yeah, it should be. But for some reason they thought it needed to be washed.

Senior Automotive Consultant looks up from his computer.

I can see right here that you didn't want your car washed. I'm not sure what happened, but I also think we have a misunderstanding.

Oh?

Yes, you were here at what - 7:30am? The guys don't start working till 8am, so - ?

Right. I get it. But I have to get to work and my car is -?

Junior goes in back to see where car is again.

Senior says I can close you out here as soon as they punch in the ticket.

(I don't speak car dealership but I think he wants my credit card)

I hope you aren't charging me for the car wash.

No, no, ma'am that's entirely complementary. 

Thank you.

I will be late for work but at least I'll be driving a clean -

Is that my car?

Yes Ma'am.

And it was washed?

No. It was in the queue for the car wash, but we took it out to give it back to you so that you wouldn't have to wait any longer.

In Conclusion

1. You can ask to not get your car washed and still not get your car washed, but longer version.

2. W on the work order can mean customer Waiting or could mean Wash car even when customer says not to (or it could mean What a Sucker)

3. I somehow managed to wait an extra 90 minutes and STILL not benefit from a free car wash. How's that for ineffective complaining?

I Can't Think Of A Title, How's This - When It Rains

Middle son G is 18. He wears shoes.
He pays for his own clothes and shoes because up until recently he had a job in an umbrella factory.
(Not really an umbrella factory, but inside joke for those who have read my Fries book.)
G needs sneakers for gym class which he remembers to bring with him but sadly forgets in the Uber.
I am driving him to school when he tells me the story. He is supposed to get there on his own but it is pelting rain and I guess I'm a sucker.
"This all happened yesterday?"
"Yeah. Mom don't worry though. They were very worn out."
"The ones with holes in the bottom?"
"Nah. Those are downstairs. These ones have holes on the sides."
(I guess you will have to find a new umbrella factory to work in/at)
We pull up to school.
Rain still coming down.
"Mom look."
I look through the window and catch a glimpse of worn out Vans, leaning gently against the chain link fence.

The Uber driver brought them back.

Lessons Learned:
1. If you spend all your money on Ubers, you will not be able to afford new shoes.
2. If you need shoes for gym class, hope for rain, your Mom might give you a lift and you will have job security working in an umbrella factory.
3. At first glance it seems like Uber driver was a saint for bringing the shoes back to school but if you can imagine teenage boy sneakers worn to holes and then left in the rain to soak and then left in the car to dry off we can speculate that perhaps the driver could no longer breathe and was longing for the fresh scent of pine air freshener.