Chad

Here's how airbnb works:

It's an app.

You browse through people's houses and apartments.

You reserve with your credit card.

You message the person with any questions and you make plans to pick up the keys.

Then you stay in their house, use all their stuff and leave it pretty clean but not perfect.

You make plans to give back the keys.

And you leave.

Here's how airbnb worked for us last weekend:

We browsed through and found a place to stay.

We booked.

We messaged a few times and didn't get a response, complained to airbnb and then got a response that day.

We asked if we could check in 30 mins early.

Chad said sure.

We landed and got a message saying 30 mins early no longer worked.

We loitered in a hotel lobby wasting time read each other sub Eurasian sonnets while we waited.

Showed up at the apartment and Chad gave us each a hug. He had fresh flowers, mini chocolate bars and cold water in a carafe (well, three different carafes) by the bed.

We got the keys, asked about parking, he gave us the parking pass.

Next day. We are in his apartment. All our stuff is there, we are out buying sake making the world a better place. We get a message from airbnb saying that Chad has modified our reservation.

Oh?

He's charging us an extra $20 for parking.

Hmmm. That was not mentioned when we met yesterday and he gave us a hug.

(Yes, there may have possibly been some writing on the wall but there were also miniature Aero bars.)

Write back to airbnb and say that I need an extension because I want to check the original terms of our agreement which I can't do from my phone.

Airbnb says she doesn't know if that option is available.

Chad messages asking for the $20.

Decide not to respond because don't feel comfortable having fight with him when all our stuff is in his apartment. Don't want to come home to find my black converse sneakers with black stitching that I got at Target very fancy and important shoes on the curb.

Leave apartment, parking spot and keys at designated location.

Chad lodges official complaint against us because we did not pay blackmail additional fee levied against us after we had already booked our stay.

Chad states that he is being flexible because instead of charging $40 for two days of parking he is only charging $20.

Airbnb rep named Miggy calls.

Explain situation to her: blah blah not responsive, blah blah mini Kit Kat bars, blah blah parking spot.

Tell her I am planning to pay the $20 because I don't want to have a fight with this guy. Plus, karma.

Miggy turns out to be as cute as her name.

She says. Because you are being so nice about this, we will give you a $15, no $20, no $30 US credit toward your next airbnb stay.

And that my friends, is how airbnb works.

Guinea Pig Abortion: The Next Frontier

Please get your placards ready ladies and gents and non-cis people because we have something new to march for. 

Today we have a guest blog from your friend and mine, disaster on toast,  Outrunning the Cloud (aka V). She has so many great stories to tell, but when I heard this one I was like You'd Better Tell it Yourself. But in italics, so everyone will know it's not me speaking.

She wrote the piece.

Fantastic I said. I'll Post It Tomorrow.

(That was six or eight weeks ago)

So here you have a fantastic story that's been sitting in my inbox for way too long waiting to see the light of day:

Last year, my elderly dogs seemed to be aging at an advanced rate, so I wanted to spare my children the sadness of their impending demise. I let them buy 2 guinea pigs for the low price of 35$ each. We lived happily for over 6 months with 2 geriatric dogs and 2 admittedly adorable guinea pigs. As a bonus, except for big bags of hay, the pigs were quite happy eating all the veggies and fruits my kids didn't eat, so I don't have to take out the compost anymore.

Did you know that it's very difficult to tell what gender a guinea pig is?

Well, we found out quite by surprise 2 months ago, when my daughter screamed from the den: 'Mom, something happened!!!!' I was all prepared for a dead pet, but instead, we now had FOUR, yes, four guinea pigs. Apparently, we had a male and a female.

This provided for a lovely lesson in biology, reproduction and what happens when guinea pigs don't use condoms. When my daughters start dating, I will remind them of what happened to Caramele and Cinnamon when they didn't remember to use protection.

Like any good pet owner, I took the family to the vet to ensure that 1) mother and babies were fine and 2) this would not happen again. I was told that we would need to wait for 6 weeks to find out the gender of the babies and then we would decide. This time, I left the 'sexting' to a professional. (yes, that's really what it's called. It predates cell phones. And it's hilarious when your 11 y.o. says she is going to the vet to get Sexted) Turned out they were both boys, so Mommy, aka Caramel, went it for a hysterectomy yesterday. A guinea pig hysterectomy. That costs 347$.

After Rosh Hashanah lunch, I apologized to my hosts and made a quick phone call to the vet, to make sure that our darling little fluff ball had survived the surgery. I knew something was up when the receptionist told me there was a delay and someone would call me back.

When the phone rang, I was certain I would be told our pig had died in surgery. Nothing, I mean nothing, prepared me for this:

'we had to cancel the hysterectomy because when we opened her up, we found 2 almost full term fetuses'

Pro-life supporters will be happy to hear that apparently, vets cannot perform guinea pig abortions. Hysterectomies yes, abortions no.

So I paid 347$ for a guinea pig hysterectomy that did not happen.

Who's joining me in fighting for the rights of guinea pigs to abort unwanted fetuses? Or was she already too far along? Where do we draw the line? And can I start a fundraiser to pay for the NEXT hysterectomy????

Complaint Department Lessons Learned:

1. The cure for elderly dogs is not young guinea pigs

2. Guinea pig non-abortions are $347 but actual abortions: priceless

3. We think abortion is legal in Canada but clearly our work here is not done

4. When looking for new material, check your inbox. You may have a hilarious guest blog waiting to be posted.

Homework For This Week Was To Eavesdrop

We are sitting in the airport waiting for our flight to board when I remember that I have homework. Homework that I could be doing right now, instead of knitting a few more rows on the orange hat or finding out who stashed the body in my latest page turner.

I look around to see if anyone is talking so I can eavesdrop.

No such luck.

Earbuds, earbuds and sleeping.

Oh but wait.

There are two women sitting behind me. I can’t see their faces, but I can hear their voices perfectly. I tune in.

“Did you talk to Lisa recently?”

“No, not really.” Accent. Could be Russian.

“Was it a couple hundred did ya think?”

“It was 700.” Yes. Definitely Russian.

“She’s so good at her job. It’s just her personal life. At least she’s not with Zack anymore. I hear his name come up around the office. Are those dried bananas?”

“Plantains.”

“Oh plantains.”

“Plantains?”

 “Awesome. Sure.”

Truth is, I’m more interested in Lisa’s sordid affair with Zack than I am in the plantains. 

 Flight is boarding though, so that’s all we get for now. 

Homework complete.

 

What Happens When You Wear Uncomfortable Shoes to Your Nephew's Bar Mitzvah

1. They will match your dress perfectly
2. You will acknowledge they are uncomfortable and still wear them because your outfit needs the texture
3. After five minutes you will realize that it would have been less painful to snap mousetraps directly onto your feet
4. After ten minutes you will begin to embrace the pain, thinking about all the colourful imagery this will provide for your writing
5. You will then realize that your novel already contains the foreshadowing line "I squeezed my potato feet into the french fry shoes" proving that you don't need to actually feel pain to write about it.
6. At minute thirty you will slip off your shoes, lose one in the pew in front of you and send your eleven year old daughter crawling on the floor after it
7. Her necklace will then catch on the delicate fabric of her brand new party dress and your fifteen year old niece who is the sister of the Bar Mitzvah boy and very good with her hands will have to extricate the chain
8. You will rise above the pain for the sake of navy velvet, and wear the shoes for at least two more hours for appearance's sake
9. You will realize that you may be permanently crippling your feet, and that even though you will lose two critical inches of height, your shoes need to come off
10. You will remove your shoes again
11. You will have more blisters on your feet than any of the four times you walked 60km for breast cancer including the year you fell head first into a pile of bricks 
12. You will wiggle your toes
13. You will send your eleven year old daughter up to the cloak room to get your flip flops and you will wonder where your two teenage sons are.
14. You will regret cancelling the pedicure last Wednesday just because you had a major work deadline
15. You will wear flip flops for the rest of the luncheon
16. You will bring the beautiful shoes home, wonder where you stashed the receipt and try to figure out when in the name of Lucifer you will have time to return them to the store
17. Your cousin from out of town will stop over the next morning to say goodbye 
18. She will try on your shoes, they will fit her perfectly
19. You will tell her that they are ancient foot binding torture chambers that would not have been out of place at Guantanamo Bay 
20. Yes she will say. But navy velvet.
21. "Take them if you want" you will say to her. "It will save me having to find the receipt and return the shoes."
22. She will take the shoes. She will then say to her daughter "These will be perfect for you."
23. Your cousin's daughter will tell her mother that she does want the shoes, but doesn't need to bring them on the plane with her to New York. She will get them when she comes home to Toronto for the High Holidays.
24. Your cousin will put the shoes in her suitcase and keep them for her daughter.
25. You will close the door behind them, look down at the pillowy blisters on your feet, your cramped baby toes and your cracked heel and you will say to yourself "The shoes weren't so bad."

As An Example, Godot

Order lunch delivery to my office to save time, not money.

Projected dumpling delivery time: 55 minutes.

63 minutes later, co-worker asks What Happened to Your Lunch.

Call restaurant.

Lunch on its way.

82 minutes later am gnawing on my left elbow.

Call restaurant again.

Lunch on its way. Oh. No it isn't. Lunch has been delivered.

To whom? Where?

No idea Ma'am. Call delivery company.

(Wish I could)

Have a little chit chat with company chatbot.

Chatbot asks what happened to free spiralizer. (Just kidding. That is a reference to a Twitter contest I hosted last week where a chatbot won a spiralizer.)

Chatbot says order was delivered, clearly to wrong person and gives me refund.

I complain more using key words like: I am unhappy, I am a good customer, This is not the service I am used to.

Chatbot falls right into my hot little hands offers me an additional $20 coupon for my inconvenience.

Take elevator down to restaurants in my building and realize that lunch delivery may be tastier but does not save time at all and for sure doesn't save a dime for my pocketbook.

Feel disappointed that this all worked out because was hoping to get a blog post out of it.

Two hours and thirty five minutes after order was placed.

58 minutes after I was told order was delivered to someone else.

45 minutes after I finished throwing white rice and spicy Chinese tofu down my gullet.

My cell phone rings.

Where are you?

Who is this?

Delivery. I'm in the lobby.

Complaint Lessons Learned:

1. Sometimes dumpling delivery takes longer than a drive to upstate New York. And back.

2. Chatbots may not be able to twirl zucchini but they can still give you a refund. Use key words.

3. If you order food and it's two and a half hours late, it will be freezing and inedible.

3. If something is super late, it doesn't mean it's not coming at all.

Count the Buts

Need new Roar and Roadwork coffee table that is like hulu: Not Available In Canada.

But.

Canadian store will special order Roar and Roadwork for delivery.

But.

Will not deliver to my house.

Are you not a delivery company?

Yes we are. But. Only in US. In Canada we can special order only to store.

But my house is in Canada. So while you are here, couldn't you just pull the truck over and roll the Roar and Roadwork over.

Wish we could, Ma'am.

But.

Unfortunately that is out of the question.

For reasons that I would only understand if this was actually my story and not hijacked from someone who told it to me The only possible coffee table I can live with is this Roar and Roadwork. So I order it from US company for delivery to Canadian store.

Canadian store calls, Roar is in.

Drive to store, double park, lift extra heavy coffee table into my car, drive home.

Unpack coffee table from crate and all is fine.

But.

It's not the coffee table that I ordered.

Call 1-800-Canadian-Coffee-Table-Problems and Customer Service Agent is lovely.

Yes I see here that you ordered the Roar. You do realize that there are two Roars on our website?

Check website while on the phone and I see the second Roar.

But.

This not the Roar I ordered, nor is it the Roar in my living room.

Yes, that makes sense. There are two Roar coffee tables on the web site, and it looks here like we special ordered you a third Roar. This one is only available by special order.

I need to return this Roar and get the actual Roar that I wanted in the first place, I roar state politely.

But.

You are in Canada. We don't deliver to Canada. You would have to create a special order and have the coffee table delivered to the store.

Customer Service Lessons Learned:

1. Moving to Canada seems like a good idea until you need a particular coffee table.

2. Do not take for granted when you order something online that there aren't multiple versions with same name sold by same company with absolutely no differentiation and no way to determine what you've actually purchased until you uncrate it.

3. Just because I say "It happened to me…" doesn't technically mean it happened to me.

4. Just because you are resting your feet on an American piece of furniture does not mean you will be able to watch hulu.