Guinea Pig Abortion: The Next Frontier

Please get your placards ready ladies and gents and non-cis people because we have something new to march for. 

Today we have a guest blog from your friend and mine, disaster on toast,  Outrunning the Cloud (aka V). She has so many great stories to tell, but when I heard this one I was like You'd Better Tell it Yourself. But in italics, so everyone will know it's not me speaking.

She wrote the piece.

Fantastic I said. I'll Post It Tomorrow.

(That was six or eight weeks ago)

So here you have a fantastic story that's been sitting in my inbox for way too long waiting to see the light of day:

Last year, my elderly dogs seemed to be aging at an advanced rate, so I wanted to spare my children the sadness of their impending demise. I let them buy 2 guinea pigs for the low price of 35$ each. We lived happily for over 6 months with 2 geriatric dogs and 2 admittedly adorable guinea pigs. As a bonus, except for big bags of hay, the pigs were quite happy eating all the veggies and fruits my kids didn't eat, so I don't have to take out the compost anymore.

Did you know that it's very difficult to tell what gender a guinea pig is?

Well, we found out quite by surprise 2 months ago, when my daughter screamed from the den: 'Mom, something happened!!!!' I was all prepared for a dead pet, but instead, we now had FOUR, yes, four guinea pigs. Apparently, we had a male and a female.

This provided for a lovely lesson in biology, reproduction and what happens when guinea pigs don't use condoms. When my daughters start dating, I will remind them of what happened to Caramele and Cinnamon when they didn't remember to use protection.

Like any good pet owner, I took the family to the vet to ensure that 1) mother and babies were fine and 2) this would not happen again. I was told that we would need to wait for 6 weeks to find out the gender of the babies and then we would decide. This time, I left the 'sexting' to a professional. (yes, that's really what it's called. It predates cell phones. And it's hilarious when your 11 y.o. says she is going to the vet to get Sexted) Turned out they were both boys, so Mommy, aka Caramel, went it for a hysterectomy yesterday. A guinea pig hysterectomy. That costs 347$.

After Rosh Hashanah lunch, I apologized to my hosts and made a quick phone call to the vet, to make sure that our darling little fluff ball had survived the surgery. I knew something was up when the receptionist told me there was a delay and someone would call me back.

When the phone rang, I was certain I would be told our pig had died in surgery. Nothing, I mean nothing, prepared me for this:

'we had to cancel the hysterectomy because when we opened her up, we found 2 almost full term fetuses'

Pro-life supporters will be happy to hear that apparently, vets cannot perform guinea pig abortions. Hysterectomies yes, abortions no.

So I paid 347$ for a guinea pig hysterectomy that did not happen.

Who's joining me in fighting for the rights of guinea pigs to abort unwanted fetuses? Or was she already too far along? Where do we draw the line? And can I start a fundraiser to pay for the NEXT hysterectomy????

Complaint Department Lessons Learned:

1. The cure for elderly dogs is not young guinea pigs

2. Guinea pig non-abortions are $347 but actual abortions: priceless

3. We think abortion is legal in Canada but clearly our work here is not done

4. When looking for new material, check your inbox. You may have a hilarious guest blog waiting to be posted.