Just Ask

Husband buying very boring office supplies, lets call them sealant valves (which do not really exist, I have made them up because I don't remember what he was actually buying and it is not salient to this story).

On-line price list says:

1. Buy 1-100 for $11.80
2. Buy 101-499 for $11.79
3. Buy 500-999 for $11.78
4. Orders over 1000 for $11.77

Husband picks up phone and calls company.

There is not a lot of variance in your pricing. I need to buy a bunch of sealant valves. Is there anything you can do?

First, we need to know what sealant valves are. I don't see them here in the catalogue.

Oh, it's a term my wife made up. She means the boring office supplies that I need to fix dishwashers.

Sure, that makes sense. Ok, I will speak to my manager.

*Husband waits 30 seconds*

Yes. My manager says we can take 20% off the list price.

Complaint Lessons Learned
1. Sometimes you get stuff just by asking for it
2. Not everyone likes the phone, but for saving money it can work better than e-mail
3. Wonder what mark-up is since they can take 20 points off without missing a beat
4. Husband not only makes the best coffee but is also a fantastic complainer

Happy Ending

Friend's Husband orders case of Hand cream.

Never arrives.

Husband calls Customer Service.

They say they sent it.

Husband calls back.

Customer Service says they have proof Husband signed for it.

Husband's hands still shockingly dry.

Hand cream Customer Service produces two signed receipts from small towns they have never been to - and would not purposefully go to -  unless possibly starring in an episode of the Amazing Race.

Husband says to Wife: Am Desperate for Hand Cream. You Figure This Out. And passes her the baton, along with his grocery list, dry cleaning receipt and dirty socks.

Wife calls Customer Service almost enough to warrant a restraining order with an alarming frequency until finally speaks to Hand cream Customer Service Agent and explains urgency of situation.

Would you like a refund?

No. I would like my Husband's Hand cream.

Can I interest you in some of our newer products?

No. I would like my Husband's Hand cream.

Hand cream Customer Service Agent confirms that package has been traced and that it will be a few weeks before the order can be shipped because there are some internal procedures that need to be re-engineered.

Friend says she has no doubt that there are processes to be re-engineered. For example, you need to send the product to the person who orders it, not some mysterious address thousands of kilometres away.

However, your internal processes are not my concern, she says.

My husband's lack of Hand cream is, she also says.

So please. Please. Let me know How he can have the hand cream by tomorrow.

Hand cream Customer Service Agent says OK. You win. I will write the label by hand myself. I will drive the hand cream to the closest courier service. Tomorrow at this time, your Husband's hands will be downright silky.

Complaint Lessons Learned

1. Hand cream is not to be taken internally therefore internal processes none of our business.

2. You need to ask for what you want as resolution to your complaint (Hand cream by tomorrow).

3. If you are clear on what you will and won't accept sometimes you can get the Customer Service Agent to pull a pen out of her pocket and fill the label out herself.

3. The key to a happy marriage will sometimes surprise you.

Overheard At A Shiva

I pick her up, she jumps in the car and is like MOM! The movie we saw in after-school today was sooooo inappropriate. So, I'm like, what movie? I mean like I normally let my kids watch like, I don't know, like Two and A Half Men or whatever. So for her to freak out like that, I'm like Shit this must be really bad.

K, go on.

So she says to me, It wasn't just the Grade Threes MOM. There were Grade Twos there and I think the Grade One class. Oh no wait. The Grade One class was in the gym. Maybe that was the kindergarteners. Anyway Ms. Fairchild's class was there, and Mme. Lamontagne's class and MOM I really think you would NOT have liked the movie.

What movie?? I can't imagine where this story is going.

K, hold on. So she says to me: They let us watch Bridesmaids.

BRIDESMAIDS? ARE YOU SERIOUS? OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN OH MY GOD so whadja do? Didja call the school? I would've, oh jeez. I don't know what I would've done.

So I call the school and I speak to the Principal and I'm like, Listen. We usually love the after-school program blah blah blah and the counsellors are usually so blah blah and I'm so sorry I have to call you about this.

OH MY GOD you SO did the right thing. So was she like Oh my god or was she just like whatever?

Well she asked me like So what movie was it? And I told her Bridesmaids and she was like Are you sure? That's really strange. That really doesn't sound like something they would do.

So I go back to Fake Kids' Name and I say Are you sure the movie was called Bridesmaids? And she goes to me - are you ready for this -

I'm dying. 

She goes to me - it was something with a bride. Oh yeah, now I remember. The movie was called Princess Bride.

Complaint Lessons Learned

1. Collect all the appropriate data before you lodge a complaint

2. Start with after-school. Work your way up to the Principal only if necessary

3. If your star witness is an eight year old you may have a problem

4. Even at the most tragic of shivas, if you listen hard enough you will hear a funny story

Complaining Success Stories

Wise Women Canada's slogan is "everybody has a story".

So when my time came around to pitch them they begged me to become one of their bloggers, I offered them a three part series about successful complainers.

You may have seen the first one mentioned here.

Second instalment went up today.

Click here to read it.

For those of you who are morally opposed to clicking links I will summarize:

1. When complaining effectively, quit while you're ahead
2. Chocolate brown is a beautiful colour for a kitchen banquette
3. Some people are not willing to share their bbq chicken recipes

A Yom Kippur Tale

Hi, can I get 4 dozen black seed and 3 dozen white seed please?

Anything else?

No thanks, that's it. I will pick up my order around 2.

Blah blah blah mumble mumble blah

I'm sorry?

Oh I'm sorry Ma'am. We are no longer accepting telephone orders.

Do you have bagels?

Yes.

White seed?

Yes.

And black seed?

Yes.

But I can't place my order over the phone?

No, Ma'am. We are no longer accepting telephone orders.

And you are currently open?

Yes Ma'am. We are open for walk in orders only.

Hang up. Walk to car. Drive to bagel store.

Hi. Can I get 4 dozen black seed and 3 dozen white seed please?

Sure. Anything else?

No thanks, that's it.

Ma'am?

Yes?

Are you the one that just called?

The REAL Canadian Health Care System

Need doctor's appointment.

Call former colleague and very good friend who is married to guy I thought was super cool in high school. Super cool is now a doctor.

Dr. Super tries to get me appointment with doctor who I once saw with my mother and she ended up eating a birthday candle in his office.

Several weeks and multiple emails pass with no appointment.

BFF  misses my birthday party and offers to take me out to Trendy Restaurant to compensate.

Who walks into Trendy Restaurant.

Yes.

Dr. Birthday Candle.

And is seated right next to us.

Hi. I smile apologetically at wife and continue.

I have been trying desperately to get an appointment with you. I gesture to BFF. We went to high school with Dr. Super. I'm the one he's been emailing you about? Maybe I look familiar because I came to see you with my mom? She ate a birthday candle?

Oh of course. The birthday candle. How can I forget. You're the one he's been emailing about?

Yes that's me. I need an appointment with you.

Next day at 2pm I show up for my appointment.

First thing out of Dr. Birthday Candle's mouth? Tell your BFF she was right. The beet salad was delicious.

Chequemate?

Hi, I would like to deposit this $20 check please.

It's a US check.

(Yes.  That's why we are spelling it check. If it were Canadian it would be a cheque.)

Yes. That's why I am giving it to you, the teller, instead of depositing it in the Instabank.

(Again, Canadian. In the US we could deposit it at the ATM).

You don't have a US account.

Right. That's why I am giving it to you. Please see above.

I will have to charge you $5.

$5? On a $20 cheque check?

You're right. That seems silly. Ok I will waive the fee.

Check deposited, fee waived, am back in car writing blog post in my head.

Did you deposit the US check to my account?

Yup. Just like you asked me to.

Did you not realize it was a US check?

No, I knew. That's why I've been saying check instead of cheque.

So why didn't you deposit it to the US account?

We have a US account?

Complaining Lessons Learned:
1. You can politely ask people at the bank to waive fees and most of the time they will.
2. If you use the Instabank and you get unreasonable fees you can call after and ask to have them waived. This sometimes works.
3. You may complain about your husband not listening when you talk to him, but maybe sometimes you're the one not listening.

Now Available in Leopard Print

One of my friends well not really my friend but sort of a friend of mine ok fine a guy I know was caught shoplifting, says G, 14 year old son.

Guess What He Was Stealing.

Gum? Money? Food for his starving family?

Yeah, right.

Nail polish? Water bottle? A Car?

Mom come on. This Is Serious.

A gerbil? 

He was stealing shoes.

Like left his shoes in the store and tried to walk out with new shoes?

No. He put the new shoes into his backpack. Got picked up by the police. 

Oh My G-d. That must've been so embarrassing. Can you imagine how he felt having to call his parents with that one? Oy.

Oh yeah Mom. His parents were really pissed.  He's grounded for six months. But you know what Mom if he was my kid I wouldn't've grounded him.

(pause)

I would've had a much better punishment.

Uh-huh?

I would've taken away ALL his shoes.

And he would've had to go around barefoot?

No. Worse than that. 

Worse?

I would have left him with only one pair of shoes.  

I don't think that's much of a punishment G.

Oh yeah it is. I would've left him with Crocs.

Complaint Tie-In:

Kids who shoplift shoes and get grounded have absolutely nothing to complain about because had G. been asked for advice they would have a way worse punishment.

Same or Different

Story A.


Guy I know looks at money and makes more money with it.
 


Drives multiple luxury cars one of which breaks down.
 


Fancy car company has it's own roadside assistance.



Fancy roadside assistance says We Can Meet You and take the car Sir but it will cost you $350 and we will need to take the car for three nights. We will give you a complimentary courtesy car.
 


There is no way you can fix my car tonight?


 
No sir.


There is no way you can fix my car tomorrow?
 


No Sir.

However, because we are Fancy roadside assistance we will bring the complimentary courtesy car right to you.
 


Grey Poupon? Sounds Great, says Guy. Why don't we meet at my brewery. You can give me the courtesy car and I will give you my broken luxury car.



Fancy shows up and Guy buys him a beer (yes only one and I'm sure it was small) (I'm not a narc)
 


Relax and chat about rich people things that you and I probably wouldn't understand.
 


Guy reaches into ermine lined pocket and hands Fancy his car keys. 
 


Fancy puts down his pint minuscule glass of beer and says On The Other Hand maybe we can fix your car right now.
 


Story B.

Leaving town for wedding and want to make sure my kids have their suits. 
 


Bring suits to dry cleaner on Tuesday. 
 


First words out of my mouth: I Need A Favour.

Leaving Thursday, must have suits, especially this one.
 


No problem. Thursday after 3pm.
 


Are you sure? Do you promise? We are leaving Friday morning at 7am. 
 


Yes of course Ma'am. No problem.
 


Thursday 3:20pm.
 
Everything hanging at dry cleaners except suit. Oh wait, suit jacket there. Pants missing.
 Kids have been known to go pantless before but at a wedding? Even we have our standards.


Clerk says Oh I'm Sorry. Pants Not Here.
 


What time are you open till tonight?



I don't think you understand Ma'am. Pants haven't been cleaned yet. No one here to clean them. They will not be ready today.
 


Well then I need you to find them for me. I need the pants for tomorrow at 7am. I will take them with me throw them in the washing machine, light a candle to Saint Veronica, patron saint of laundry and hope for the best.



Looks everywhere for pants. Can't find them.  
 


Thank you so much for trying to help me. I know it's not your fault. You weren't the one who promised me the pants. 
 


Well, Clerk says. There is one more thing I could do.

Picks up phone.
 


Calls owner.



Where? Seriously? Oh You're Right. Here They Are. Clean but not pressed. Hanging in the boiler room.

No she can't. She's leaving to a wedding tomorrow morning. 7am. 
 


(pause)
 
I'll ask her.



Turns to me.
 


Can you stop here on your way to the airport tomorrow? We will have your pants ready at 6am.

Same or Different - Choose One:
 


A.  Different.  Guy you know owns a brewery and a Fancy car and your kids only have one pair of pants.
 


B.  Same. They probably drink too much beer at the Dry Cleaner and that's how your pants ended up in the Boiler room.



C. Different. Guy had to ply Fancy with free drinks offer Fancy a cool beverage while all you did was look kind of desperate express appreciation for the clerk.



D. Same. In both cases the company looked like they didn’t really care but in the end provided excellent customer service. Complaining effectively doesn’t always require an actual complaint.