This is What Happens When You Order Fries from Etsy

Important part of upcoming book tour includes obsessing about what sneakers to wear.
Conclusion: need something new.
Have in mind vision of sneakers with French Fries on them, which are not as easy to find as you might think.
Etsy.
Order shoes.
Get e-mail confirmation.
Get second e-mail saying: Have had problems delivering to Canada in the past so please give us your phone number and thirty extra bucks.
(Interesting approach)
Write back saying: I will give you my family member's address in the US so that you can deliver directly to her me and I will keep my thirty bucks.
Get e-mail saying: That sounds great your French Fries will see you in three weeks.
Immediately forget about this entire interaction and move on to bigger book tour problems such as finishing the book.
Just kidding. Book was finished. Not kidding that I forgot about shoes.
Much more than three weeks later get e-mail from Etsy saying Your Shoes Have Shipped!
But problem.
E-mail shows that French Fry sneakers have shipped to my home address in Canada not my family member's address in the US.
Immediately write back to Etsy saying: Attached please find previous e-mail chain where I requested a change in address and you agreed.
Immediately get response from Etsy saying: Our store is now closed. Thank you for your loyalty!
Great.
(This may explain why so many people don't end up writing books. They may not be able to get the sneakers they need for their book events.)
Three weeks later get confirmation receipt from Etsy saying French Fry sneakers have been delivered to Canadian address.
(They have not).
Call family member in US to see if shoes somehow landed there.
Family says: Oh I was meaning to call you. You got a package from Etsy.

Lessons Learned:

1. Confirmation of shipping and delivery do not necessarily reflect shipping and delivery.
2. Address shipped to does not necessarily reflect address actually shipped to.
3. Store that is closed may have responsibly shipped your order before it closed so don't panic.
4. French fry sneakers are as cute as I hoped but the soles are white so they might be too summery for a late fall book launch event.

Book Reviews Same, Different, Me and Upshot

This month I wrote two book reviews for two different online magazines and only later realized that they are on similar topics and probably could have been reviewed together.
Mama, Mama, Only Mama
Blissfully Blended Bullshit

Same:

1. Both are Memoirs
2. Told from Mom point of view
3. Marriages/relationships break up
4. Two kids
5. Laugh out loud funny
6. Very quick reads

Different:

1. Graphic language in one, recipes in the other
2. How to use food stamps for max effectiveness in one, condo in Mexico in the other

Me:

1. Nervous about writing book reviews because want to have good book review karma
2. Also am sometimes actual friends with author (eg Only Mama) and want her to be happy
3. Have admired other authors (eg Blissfully) for years and want her to be happy
4. Thank the good lord loved both books and they are an excellent pairing because treat similar topics from different points of view

Upshot (this is a word I really like and I feel does not get used enough):

Both book reviews have been published and both authors seem fine with them. Both have agreed under much duress and arm twisting to review my book in the fall so stay tuned.

Here We Go Again

Circle for a while and end up parking indoors in an office building.
Exit building.
Door slams behind us and we realize that the door was an exit only. Like, doors do not even have handles that we can attempt to pry open. We are in an alley. We have no idea how we will get back in building to retrieve car after the show.
In fact, we don't really have a clear idea of exactly where we have parked.
However.
Husband says. Let's go and worry about this later.
(Later)
Exit spectacular show humming Dancing Queen. Pouring rain.
Walk to where we believe we parked.
No entry.
Walk around city block looking for open door.
All locked.
Finally find sign posted that states If you have trouble getting in, call This Number or go to This Address.
We go to This Address.
Locked.
But Wait.
These buildings are all part of the same development and I think I see someone opening a glass door across the street.
Follow him in and walk to Security at end of hall.
Explain our situation (blah blah parked, blah blah locked, blah blah get in).
Let me see your parking ticket. Security says.
Husband pulls out white paper receipt with arrow on it.
Security takes it and says. You see how it has these numbers on it?
Yeah?
They are a code.
OK?
Walk back to where you drove your car in. Between the two garage doors you will see an unmarked keypad. Punch in code, including the * symbol.
Door will open.

Let Me Get This Straight
With no notification anywhere, we were expected to look on the parking coupon.
We should have known immediately that the string of numbers and symbols was a code.
We were then supposed to go to the garage doors where we entered the parking lot in our car, which was nowhere near the pedestrian exit to the garage.
We should have seen the unmarked keypad nestled between the two doors.
We should have understood that this code should be punched into that keypad.
Huh.

Lessons Learned
1. Next time you visit a cosmopolitan, bilingual city you may want to pack your magic de-coder ring
2. Time spent in Escape Rooms is not time wasted
3. Most mysteries will reveal themselves eventually if you keep searching

Speech I Gave A Few Weeks Ago When I Had One Minute and Fifty Eight Seconds to Summarize My Upcoming Book

I flew in this morning from Montreal and I have a work deadline tomorrow. I'm the Ombudsman at a University which means I investigate complaints and I have a report due in the morning.
I get on the plane. Ready to work. And the woman in front of me reclines her seat allll the way back. My elbows are up to here. My knees are in my throat. There is no way I can type.
So what do I do now? Do I tell this woman she's in my way? Or is that too pushy?
I'm at a loss for words, which is rare for me. I'm smart. I went to Brandeis. I have a Master's Degree. But you know. No matter how much education any of us has - sometimes we can be unprepared for difficult conversations.
I look around the plane and I see seats completely reclined on my left and on my right. And I know what everyone is thinking.
They are wishing that they had a book they could turn to in these situations. A book that would outline how to ask people to move their seats up but do so in a way that doesn't make anyone uncomfortable.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Good News. I have written that book. "I WANTED FRIES WITH THAT: How to Ask for What You Want and Get What You Need" is about how to speak your mind. I wrote it so that each and every one of us - especially us Jews - will learn how to stand up for ourselves in a calm and peaceful way but assertively so that we can get what we want. If we keep quiet, nothing will ever change. If we speak up, we can change the world. I rote this book because I fundamentally believe that kvetching is the path to Tikkun Olam.
I exaggerated a little bit before. The airplane story isn't from this morning. It's a chapter in my book, and well, do you want to know what happened in the end? (Pause)
Invite me to come speak and I'll tell you the whole story.
I'm Amy Fish, and my books is called "I WANTED FRIES WITH THAT: How to Ask for What You Want and Get What You Need."

Complaint Sandwich on Brown

Yesterday a friend sent me an article about another complaint expert who suggests using a complaint sandwich when expressing your complaints (click here to read).

Am sensing a link between complaint professionals and sandwiches. This guy (named Guy) is basing his career on a complaint sandwich whereas mine took off following the ordering of a turkey sub.

I believe this is worthy of further investigation:

How a Complaint Sandwich is Like A Turkey Sub

1. Both are practical: Turkey sub is a business transaction type of meal. It may not be fantastic but it's usually edible and sufficiently filling. The complaint sandwich is practical too. It is a way of structuring your message so that you get your point across clearly. The instructions for this technique are easy to follow and clearly laid out.

2. Both are not spicy: I mean I guess you could put sriracha on your turkey sammie but for the most part it's a pretty bland food group. The complaint sandwich is a calm method of communicating as well. There is no heat - no shouting, no temper tantrums, no scathing emails. Calmness is important to keep in mind when you are about to express your complaint.

3. Both are best served fresh: Sometimes when we are complaining to someone, it's tempting to re-hash old beefs. For example: You never empty your recycling. I've talked to you about this a million times. In a complaint sandwich, you stay in the here and now. You are complaining about something that is a current issue. Turkey subs, too, can not be frozen and reheated. They are normally consumed minutes after assembly.

4. Both are best with lean meat: When complaining it is sometimes tempting to pile on the examples but all you really need is one incident to illustrate your point. If you are lean, and just stick to one thing that is driving you crazy at that moment you are more likely to get good results. I am 99% sure that the turkey used in subs is 99% lean.

5. Brown lettuce could be a problem: If your favourite part of the sandwich is the iceberg, and it looks a little brown to you, this could make for a disappointing sub. A complaint sandwich does not contain lettuce so you're probably ok there.

Where You Could Potentially Go Wrong
I don't think a complaint sandwich is edible so pay attention when you are ordering your lunch.