Like Thanksgiving. But Green.

My grandmother Freda was born on March 17 1912. She had three kids, one of whom was born on March 17 1950, Maxwell Rubin, also known as my Uncle Mattie.

As you can imagine. St. Patrick's Day was celebrated religiously by my mother's family. We got together in our best green shirts, and green necklaces. We drank from green cups, sang Happy Birthday and wished each other a Happy St. Patrick's Day. We didn't always celebrate Passover together. We may not have made it to Yom Kippur. But g-d dam it, St. Patrick's Day was written in blarney stone.

I was 25 years old when someone told me St. Patrick's Day was about drinking beer. Until then I thought it was for families. Like Thanksgiving. But Green.

It is now 2005 and I am pregnant with my third. She is due mid-April and I have a C-section scheduled for April 3.

March 17 I wake up in the morning and I am not feeling 100%. I speak to my friend D who is living in Ireland and about to go to the St. Patrick's Day Parade which as you can imagine is huge over there.

Maybe you'll have the baby today she says.

Haha. I say. What are the chances. That would be the third St. Patrick's Day baby in my family. Maybe I should name her Clover. It will never happen.

Eight hours later, I am holding my baby girl, Liberty Esther, born on March 17, 2005.

St. Patrick's Day continues its reign as number one holiday for my mother's side. Family dinner. Birthday cake. Green socks, green hoodies, celebratory Old Navy T-shirts. Remember. We are Jews. Trace our roots to Eastern Europe. There is not a drop of Irish blood anywhere.

Now. My Uncle Mattie's daughter Alex is pregnant with her third. The baby is due March 13th.

Wouldn't it be great if it was born on March 17th she texts me.

OMG YES. I write back.

What are the chances though. Third baby coming late? I don't think so.

It is March 16 2019. Alex is in the hospital having her baby.

Kind of feeling like it would've been better if baby could hold out another few hours but at the same time we want them both healthy and happy.

Oh wait.

Not so fast.

It is March 17, 2019.

Baby did hold out.

Welcome to the club Felix James. Can't wait to meet you.

Jewish History In Three Eras

1. Ancient Egypt
Jews were slaves in Ancient Egypt. They were responsible for making giant bricks out of clay in the scorching hot sun and schlepping them around so that King Pharoah could put together cities like Pitom and Ramses and also build giant pyramids. The Pharoahs had all kinds of bad qualities but two that they are known for are: (a) making everyone work in the blazing desert including tiny babies and dear old grandmas, and (b) forcing the Jews to be taskmasters over each other. This means that one Jew had to supervise another Jewish group of workers even if it included his former hairdresser, accountant and sundial repair person. If the supervisor let anyone get away with anything, he was beaten even harder. The taskmasters learned right quick that they'd better listen up because they were not going to be able to escape the desert with a couple of broken kneecaps. This is widely known as very mean because not only did everyone have to work super hard, but they were expected to turn on each other. Ugly.

2. Holocaust
The Nazis had a lot to manage between the ghettos, the unethical science experiments and the death camps. Therefore, it only stands to reason that they would enlist the help of some imprisoned Jews to supervise the other Jews and make sure they didn't step out of line. This included all kinds of brutal jobs that I don't want to repeat here because I don't want you to have nightmares like I did when I learned about this in Grade Four, the point being is that skeletal Jews were hand-plucked from the lines to supervise other even more skeletal Jews and make sure they dug graves correctly etc. The supervisors may have received some perks for their work, such as extra broth, which makes matters even worse because their loyalty was called into question when they had no choice but to obey the Third Reich lest they be thrown into the mass graves themselves. The list of Nazi atrocities is so long that I can see why we had to start learning about it in Fourth Grade, decades later and I'm still not done. But. I do know that one of the worst things they did was force Jews to force other Jews to labor camps and worse. Unforgivable.

3. Last Tuesday
We have been on this tangent to remove Wi-Fi from our house during the day to discourage loafing around, but more importantly to encourage all family members to leave the house and be productive members of society. This started with me carrying the router in my purse all day until I broke it it mysteriously stopped working. I know there's an app to regulate WiFi, but my theory is if there's an app to supervise kids, there's an app to outsmart the parents (calculator, I'm looking at you) so my next step was to take the yellow wire with me everywhere. I get to work and realize that I forgot the wire at home. If I call now, I can catch 17 year old G before he leaves for class and ask him to remove the wire and hide it in my extensive yarn collection before his brother wakes up.

Oh.

10,000 Lakes, Minnows and Hard Liquor

Husband is flying to Minneapolis and plane can't land because too much snow so gets re-routed to Duluth.

Minnesota-Canada-February-Snow. Couldn't'a seen that coming.

Wait in Duluth for hours because airport doesn't have the capacity to de-plane volume of people currently on aircraft.

Ultimately, one of the airline staff coughs up a mini van (probably his carpool day) and starts ferrying people to gate, 13 at a time.

No idea when flight will be back in the air.

Husband looks all over smartphone for rental car which is having surge pricing, and finally finds one that is reasonable and has economy two-door available.

Airport staff says. If you walk out of the gate to get the car you will not be allowed to return to this gate. We are not letting people back through security so please make sure you are confident in your decision to drive the rest of the way instead of waiting for the plane to be ready and flying with us.

Husband walks through doors.

First credit card declined.

Rental says. If your credit card gets declined again, you will not be able to rent a car today. Our policy is that if a client has two declinations (?) they can not rent in the US for 24 hours.

Second attempt passes.

Husband gets in car and starts to drive from Duluth to Minneapolis despite the snow and reduced visibility.

Car is slow.

Changes lanes.

Car still slow.

Calls Rental Company. Oh yes, they say, you are the third or fourth person today to call us with this problem. Apparently the sensors on some of our cars are not working today. They think every snowflake is a quickly approaching vehicle and they automatically slow down.

Rental says. You have two options:
1. You can pull over and wait for a tow truck who will tow you all the way to Minneapolis and should be there in 90 minutes.
2. You can keep driving. I'm sure it will be fine.

Husband (who is normally the lovechild of Super Dave Osborne and Evil Knievel) chooses this moment to exercise caution and pulls over to a truck stop.

He is looking for Red Bull, pretzel rods, maybe some roasted but not salted cashews.

He looks to the back of the store, and sees there are no pretzels but there are bins of minnows, swimming around waiting to be used as bait.

He reaches into the freezer and almost touches a lump of frozen larvae, also bait, selling for $20.

Snacks may not happen today but at least there are drinks.

Not so fast.

Where is the Red Bull? The Fresca? The Mountain Dew?

All have been replaced by rows of 40 proof alcool. Perfect for a side of the road pit stop.

Lessons Learned

1. Car rental company and airline should spend more time watching Weather Channel so they know what to expect in February.
2. Air travel between two snowbound locations in the dead of winter might have you wishing you brought your ice fishing gear.
3. As long as you get from point M to point M safely,  the journey can be part of the fun especially if you come across live fish in aisle 3.

What Happened In The End
Husband waited for tow truck for close to an hour, contemplated splitting a pizza with the clerk behind the counter and ultimately climbed back into rental car and (carefully) drove the rest of the way to Minneapolis where he spent a lovely and uneventful 24 hours before flying safely home.

Also on Worry List
Drinking, driving and ice fishing seem like a lethal combination. Hope everyone involved is using wisely and treading carefully.

Mom, What's a Boner?

Adults only dinner.

Grilled fish, polenta, black rice.

Conversation turns to local politics, art house films and whether the red is too oaky.

Just Kidding.

Conversation turns to our kids and whether or not they should be allowed to watch this movie, that TV show or the other youtube series.

Adult turns to me: We know you don't care about what your children watch.

That's not true;  I care deeply about what my children watch.

But you let them watch everything! So, obviously, you don't care!

Easy there, sailor.  Let's not confuse a No Censorship Policy with a complete lack of policy.

I have a very well thought out No Censorship Policy:  my kids can watch/read/listen to anything they want. I have marinated long and hard about this. Perhaps longer than you marinated the cod, if we are being honest.

From the time I watched 8-mile with my 8 year old, my children have always been allowed to watch whatever they want and if they don't understand what they are seeing, they can ask me questions.

They may ask why Anthony Michael Hall is sniffing panties.  They may ask why "fag" is a bad word, or why cigarette smoking used to be cool (or, and I blame Tom Cruise for this one -  "wait, he's paying her to be his girlfriend? Is that even legal?")

If there is something I don't want to talk about, my go-to lines are:

• "That question is too personal."
• "You realize that I'm your mother?
• "Look it up."

If I am worried that a movie might be too scary I say, "I am worried this movie might be too scary.  Or "too sad." Or "too confusing".

Fellow parents, I understand that this may not work for you.

You may not be ready to answer difficult questions.

Perhaps there are some conversations that you feel can wait until your kids are older.

I respect your decisions. Your children, your choice.

But please, don't think that letting my kids govern their own television watching means that I don't care what they are looking at.

Au contraire, my friend. Au contraire.