Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Breast Cancer

Lots of complaints about Breast Cancer.

Worst part is that we have to end it.

60 g-d damn kilometers at the end of the summer.

Second worst part is have to raise $2K to walk.

(And you think chemo is a problem).

To make the fundraising more fun (yup, went there), my awesome team and I put a spectacular action together.  There are tons of cool stuff to buy, none of which I am featuring because they don't benefit me directly.  This hat is not worth clicking on, neither is any of the other knitted stuff, and the tickets totally suck.  Probably not worth browsing for jewellery or father's day gifts.

Getting back to me -

I am selling two things:

1. Complaint Celebrity: A chance for a starring role in this blog.  Click here to bid on the opportunity to tell me your complaint story and have me write it up and post it here.  I can feature you or put you in my witness protection program which often features a sex change. Up to you.

2. Complaint Consultation:  For all of you who stop me after my talks to tell me about your problems with the bank, the cable company or your mother in law, click here to email your complaint dilemma and I will give you a few options for how to resolve your complaint. If a letter needs to be sent, I will write it for you. If a phone call needs to be made, I will give you talking points.  I used to think this was a possible business opportunity but since it is now on the clearance table flying like hotcakes it may just be time to cut my losses the chance to explore other opportunities.

Amy that sounds so, uh, interesting. But honestly I don't want to buy you that badly.  Can't I just give you money so that you will go away?

Oh thank you so much for offering.

Yes of course.

Click here: Amy's Breast Cancer Donation Page to give me money.

Thank you in advance for your generous support.

Your Complaint Story Will Go Here

Monday, 19 May 2014

Wait, Lena Dunham Was Your Hebrew Teacher?

Lena Dunham forced my 15 year old son, B, to teach my eighth grade Hebrew teacher to use her iPad.

You know Lena Dunham? That's amazing.

Well actually it wasn't Lena herself. It was Hannah, the character she plays.

You know Hannah? That's amazing.

 No I don't know Hannah either.

(If you have been too busy watching this amazing show and you have missed this amazing show, you clearly need to jump into this century I will bring you up to speed.)

There was an episode where Hannah met a fabulous looking guy who ended up being a doctor and she spent the night at his stunning, modern, spotless townhouse.  They played a naked game of ping pong there was absolutely no gratuitous nudity.

Were they not playing ping pong on her iPad?


Did your eighth grade Hebrew teacher guest star?

Uh, No.

Was your son, B. an extra on the set?


We are not getting the tie-in here, Amy.

(Um, yeah, it's not an obvious one.)

Not everyone finds Hannah as good looking as you and I, so this episode was widely speculated upon, with the emphasis being How Could Someone who looks like Hannah snag such a good looking guy and a doctor to boot.

Response to this speculation was How Dare You judge Hannah by her looks, Tons Of People find her cute, plus maybe he was attracted to her sparkling personality and On Top Of That you are objectifying women.  Women who play ping pong stark naked on national television are not asking to have their bodies judged.

I watched the episode and immediately removed my clothing and grabbed a ping pong paddle did not see it that way at all.

I thought the point of the episode was that sometimes random things happen to you in life.

I think it is so great to meet all kinds of different people and have a wide range of conversations.

When I heard that my eighth grade Hebrew teacher was looking for someone to teach her and her sister in law to use their iPads, I immediately thought of Hannah and volunteered B.  When else will he get the chance to have a cup of tea with two elderly Israeli women, teach them both how to Skype their grandchildren, take selfies and download episodes of Shtisel (look it up)?

Experiences like this one enrich the fabric of day to day life. Much like Lena Hannah and the doctor, this is an opportunity to try something a little odd that will ultimately be enriching.

I dropped my son off with instructions to hang up his jacket, be polite, speak slowly.

And one more thing - I said -  if either of them picks up a ping pong paddle keep your eyes on the ground and inch your way towards the door.

That Lena Dunham can be a bit unpredictable.

Sunday, 4 May 2014

Where Once Again, Costco is Clearly the Problem

A million years and several cities ago we went out for dinner with another family.

That we didn't know very well.

How did you two meet?

Blah blah blah blah (pause) blah blah.

Something in that (pause) makes me ask the next question.

Have you been married before?

Fork clatters to table.  Blood drains from face.  Furtive glance at children colouring their placemats.


Oh jeez. So you have been married before.

YES (whispered caps) but my KIDS have no idea.

Oops.  Sorry about that. Will try to keep my part-time job for the psychic network lucky guesses to myself then.

More polite conversation.

No second date.

Lesson learned and all future double date conversations restricted to safe topics such as money and religion.

And groceries.

Millions of years and several cities later.

Out for dinner with another newish couple, no kids this time.

Blah blah blah blah (Costco) blah blah.

Really? Because I hate Costco. With the passion of a thousand suns.  I hate having my food inventory tied up in 2kg of sunflower seeds.  I hate storing the huge bottle of dishwashing soap under my sink.  I hate that they trick you into thinking you are saving money when you are clearly overspending.

That's all true, but I like their produce.  They have a great salad mix, the one with the kale.

Oh right, I say innocently. My friend had a bag of that for lunch the other day, the one with shredded brussels sprouts?p

Fork clatters to table.  Blood drains from face.  Furtive glance at Husband.

Her husband leans over, furious: Brussels Sprouts?  Did you say BRUSSELS SPROUTS? (These caps were not whispered).

Me trying to retrieve moment:  Yes, the shredded salad from Costco. With the kale, the endive. The Brussels-

Husband to wife: You promised me when we got married that never, EVER, under ANY circumstances would you ever bring a brussels sprout into our home.  And now I find out that I've EATEN one? Are you SERIOUS?

I pause, both wondering how I could have possibly seen this one coming and searching for a placemat to colour.

Then it comes to me.

I know how to change the subject.

Umm, have either of you ever been married before?