How To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Undone

Background: Someone I love and cherish has recently come into a managerial position in a retail establishment. One of the employees has a fly that is perpetually undone. Cherish has no idea how to communicate this message and has retained my assistance.

My Advice: Say to the guy Hey your fly is undone.

Resistance #1: I'm not sure if his fly is undone or if there is something wrong with his zipper.

My Response: Uh, ok well you're the one asking me for advice. You said fly undone, I gave you fly undone. If something is wrong with his zipper, perhaps try Hey I think there's something wrong with your zipper, it looks like your fly is undone.

Alternate Response to Resistance #1: I don't think it matters. If you say Hey, your fly is undone and it's actually his zipper, he may counter with Oh, it's actually my zipper, or he may just take care of it without an explanation.

Resistance #2: I don't want to say anything to him when we're alone in the store. I'm a woman and he might think it's creepy.

Response to Resistance #2: Wait till you're not alone in the store. Then say to him Hey, your fly's undone or it may be that something is wrong with your zipper

Resistance #3: I don't want him to think I'm looking at his zipper and if I say something to him, it might be uncomfortable.

Possible Response #1 to Resistance #3: You're right, it is kind of uncomfortable. But it's even more uncomfortable for the customers. If you don't take care of this, customers may be creeped out and leave the store and then you will lose sales because you are unable to tell an employee his fly is undone.

Possible R#2 to R#3: He stands to lose much more than you do. If you don't tell him, he will be walking around at half-mast all day. Just look him straight in the eye and say Hey, your fly's undone.

Possible R#3 to R#3: If this is really challenging for you, and you honestly have no idea how to communicate this message try the sandwich technique where you slip the information between two pieces of bread, like so Hey, Mario, great job stacking the yogurts. Do we have any strawberries in the back? Hey, your fly is undone - please take care of it, and then unpack the cotton candy grapes.

Bad Ideas: If none of the above solutions resonates with you, please do not:

• Post a sign in the break room saying All Flies Must Be Done. This is confusing and kind of weird. 
• Reach over and fix the fly yourself. This kind of gesture can be misconstrued.
• Make a scene out of checking your own fly, and making sure your zipper is done up, hoping this employee will take the hint. You never know when you are being caught on film.

In Conclusion: As a manager of a retail store, you are responsible to ensure that your employees follow the dress code which in this case includes zipped pants. Your best method in my opinion is the most direct approach. If you really can't do it, you may want to outsource this function to a trusted associate. (Get someone else to tell the guy to zip it). If that doesn't work, perhaps consider an employee uniform that does not include zipped pants (Rugby uniform? Catsuit?)

Of Blessed Memory, Mashed Potato Martinis and Trump

Three Years Ago:

Dad over for supper.

Would have been his 50th wedding anniversary with my Mom.

Trade suitably sad and happy stories over table full of leftovers.

In fact, he says. I had a dream about Mummy last night.

Kids stand up to clear table. There is only So Much they can take.

Recounts dream which is in fact nightmare as so much of Alzheimer's is.

I had a nightmare last night too, says 15 year old G, plate in hand.

I dreamt I went to a completely different school, and Trump was there and he was signing etrogs and giving them to everybody.

Whoa you're right, my Dad says. That is a nightmare.

Lesson Learned:
It is a sad state of affairs when the imaginary appearance of the President-Elect of another country competes for nightmare status with the tragic too-soon loss of one's beloved wife and mother and Bubbie.

It is an even sadder state of affairs when the obscure-citrus-fruit-signing, soon-to-be-leader-of-the-free-world, wins.

Also:
My Mom died on Sunday of Labor Day Weekend five years ago. Here's the blog post I wrote when I got up from shiva which remains one of my most popular pieces of all time (click here to read).

How This Relates to Hippocamp:
One of my favourite writers and Hippo-people who I am proud to call my Hippo-sister recently tragically lost a parent. We were talking (over mashed potato martinis) about how she needs to write all the blah blah out of herself to help with grief and get to the good part. I was saying that I rarely, almost never, write about the loss of my mother because while aspects of Alzheimer's are hilarious -for the most part it's as tragic as a chipped nail (which btw used to send my mother over the edge) and for the most part dementia jokes are considered in poor taste. I also told her that in my. mind the story of my mother would be best told as a play but I've never written a play and also who the heck has the time.

She Got Me Thinking Though:
That in between never mentioning my Mom at all and endlessly weeping and wringing my hands there has to be some kind of a way to pay a tribute to her, especially today.

So:
With that in mind, I went looking through my old pieces to see if there was anything I wrote and never published and I found this little number from three years ago and I thought. Perfect.

Another Life or American Crime Scene

A week or two ago I was eating salmon and orzo salad on a porch strung with those Pinterest lights and someone told a story about how Selma Blair's sister was their summer camp counsellor in the late 80s.
Another girl (who is now a woman) from their cabin bumped into Selma Blair in LA went up to her and said:
Are you Selma Blair Beitner?
And Selma was like (ugh)  (autograph request) (ok fine) Yeah, that's me.
And the girl said Your sister was my camp counsellor in the late 80s.
They had a good laugh, reminisced about the olden days and I assume although it was not part of the story took a coupla selfies.

Next day I am at the library interviewing an older gentleman about his genealogy database in conjunction with a project we are working on together when he cracks a joke about his wife.
Oh, Stanley. I say. I know you love your wife. I can see the way you talk about her.
Stanley says. I do love my wife but I gotta tell you what happened last week.
When I was in Harvard Business School I went out with a girl (who is now a woman) named Mollie. Penn Fruits. Don't know if the name means anything to you but her parents were in the fruit business. Went belly up. Used to drive my 56 Chevy from Boston to Philly just to see her on the weekends. Friend of mine called me last week and said. What ever happened to Mollie. So I said. I'm a researcher, I'm going to look her up.
Smart girl. Became a lawyer, maybe a judge, didn't surprise me. Married a guy Beitner. Divorced him. Four daughters. Each one more beautiful than the next. One became a movie star.

Selma Blair Beitner? I ask.

That's the one. Stanley says. You know her?

Lessons Learned:
1. Six degrees of separation are way too many. You can probably get by with one or two
2. Genealogy research started because people were trying to find out what happened to their old girlfriends before Facebook was invented
3. People actually buy those Pinterest lights and string them up on their porches
4. In the right context, orzo can count as salad

Sometimes You Have to Cut Your Losses feat. My Sister

My sister normally doesn’t like to appear in social media but gave me special permission today because she got what she wanted out of her complaint.

She has a new car and it’s time for her winter tires to be changed. Because we live in Canada and it just stopped snowing last week. Just kidding. Yesterday. No, really, kidding. (Story might be a bit stale.)

New Dealership reassures her that they will have rental courtesy car waiting when she gets there.

She gets there.

They do not have a courtesy car waiting.

In fact, many other people are also there, looking for their rental courtesy cars.

She waits a few minutes while Dealership calls rental courtesy company.

Cannot help but overhear rental courtesy company panicking about the number of cars needed to satisfy all the demands coming in today.

Oh. This is not looking good.

She cannot help but overhear dapper gentleman arguing because he has been waiting 90 minutes for his courtesy car. She cannot help but notice there are 11 people in line behind him with equally compelling stories.

This will not do.

She does not want to wait and take a chance that there will not be a car available and she needs a car for her work. My sister zigzags over the city so much that I have joked about putting a Fitbit on her car. Of course we all have one, it’s called an odometer. (This does not make my joke less funny.)

She tells Dealership she has to cut her losses and leave with her seasonally incorrect tires and book another appointment at a later date. She is not impressed.

Next day phone rings it’s the Dealership.

Hello, Ma’am. We will comp the storage for your tires. Also, we will send a valet to your house to pick up your car and bring it in for service.

(They did not mention if valet will be driving a courtesy rental car.)

My sister got her fries because she remained calm, yet she told the Dealership she was not happy. She also told them she could not wait for the rental courtesy car that did not show up as promised. She stuck to her guns and left. The Dealership listened to her situation, acknowledged they were wrong, and mitigated the damage.

Satisfaction all around. 

Please pass the ketchup.

This is What Happens When You Order Fries from Etsy

Important part of upcoming book tour includes obsessing about what sneakers to wear.
Conclusion: need something new.
Have in mind vision of sneakers with French Fries on them, which are not as easy to find as you might think.
Etsy.
Order shoes.
Get e-mail confirmation.
Get second e-mail saying: Have had problems delivering to Canada in the past so please give us your phone number and thirty extra bucks.
(Interesting approach)
Write back saying: I will give you my family member's address in the US so that you can deliver directly to her me and I will keep my thirty bucks.
Get e-mail saying: That sounds great your French Fries will see you in three weeks.
Immediately forget about this entire interaction and move on to bigger book tour problems such as finishing the book.
Just kidding. Book was finished. Not kidding that I forgot about shoes.
Much more than three weeks later get e-mail from Etsy saying Your Shoes Have Shipped!
But problem.
E-mail shows that French Fry sneakers have shipped to my home address in Canada not my family member's address in the US.
Immediately write back to Etsy saying: Attached please find previous e-mail chain where I requested a change in address and you agreed.
Immediately get response from Etsy saying: Our store is now closed. Thank you for your loyalty!
Great.
(This may explain why so many people don't end up writing books. They may not be able to get the sneakers they need for their book events.)
Three weeks later get confirmation receipt from Etsy saying French Fry sneakers have been delivered to Canadian address.
(They have not).
Call family member in US to see if shoes somehow landed there.
Family says: Oh I was meaning to call you. You got a package from Etsy.

Lessons Learned:

1. Confirmation of shipping and delivery do not necessarily reflect shipping and delivery.
2. Address shipped to does not necessarily reflect address actually shipped to.
3. Store that is closed may have responsibly shipped your order before it closed so don't panic.
4. French fry sneakers are as cute as I hoped but the soles are white so they might be too summery for a late fall book launch event.

Book Reviews Same, Different, Me and Upshot

This month I wrote two book reviews for two different online magazines and only later realized that they are on similar topics and probably could have been reviewed together.
Mama, Mama, Only Mama
Blissfully Blended Bullshit

Same:

1. Both are Memoirs
2. Told from Mom point of view
3. Marriages/relationships break up
4. Two kids
5. Laugh out loud funny
6. Very quick reads

Different:

1. Graphic language in one, recipes in the other
2. How to use food stamps for max effectiveness in one, condo in Mexico in the other

Me:

1. Nervous about writing book reviews because want to have good book review karma
2. Also am sometimes actual friends with author (eg Only Mama) and want her to be happy
3. Have admired other authors (eg Blissfully) for years and want her to be happy
4. Thank the good lord loved both books and they are an excellent pairing because treat similar topics from different points of view

Upshot (this is a word I really like and I feel does not get used enough):

Both book reviews have been published and both authors seem fine with them. Both have agreed under much duress and arm twisting to review my book in the fall so stay tuned.