Where I Reveal Who Is To Blame For Gender Disparity

Let's say your daughter grows up and goes to College. Grad School.

Amazing job.

And Mom, the good news is I'm going to be paid $81,000 starting salary.  I know this is a lot of money, but you know it's weird,  the men at this job are being paid $100,000. 

You would be OUTRAGED.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS you would shout.  Are you telling me that the BOYS doing the EXACT same job are making $19,000 more than you a year? Just for having an extra body part? That is INSANE.

You went to school, you studied hard. You play the ukelele. You won the science fair. You are an excellent tennis player. And now, suddenly you are only earning $81,000?

And whose fault, you may be wondering, is this?

Oh, I'll tell you who's fault it is. The Group Bat Mitzvah, ladies and gentlemen, is completely to blame.

The Group Bat Mitzvah is a phenomenon where a bunch of girls get together, often have a full year program of study and good deeds, and then share the evening of their Bat Mitzvah. Usually they will each say a small part of the program, maybe present their project. They might sing together, or they might have some solos.

(A full year program of study and good deeds sounds terrific. How can you possibly find fault with that? Stay tuned, and I'll explain everything)

Boys on the other hand have no such option. A Bar Mitzvah is a solo affair. Some people have B'nei Mitzvahs with one boy and one girl - cousins, siblings, good friends. I am not talking about that. I am talking about a Group Bat Mitzvah which is organized by a synagogue, school or community organization.

I have no clue who invented the Group Bat Mitzvah, or why they thought girls should be lumped together for increased efficiency and decreased individuality, nor do I have any idea why this concept has caught on like wildfire in the last few years.

I am absolutely convinced that the Group Bat Mitzvah does a disservice to our daughters. I also think it, much like counting men only in the minyan, has survived mainly because no one thought to question it. 

I am begging you to question it.

Girls should have the exact same Bat Mitzvah as boys do. (If you are truly observant, and you believe in your heart that girls should not go on the bima and read from the Torah, I respect your decision and you may want to stop reading here).

If you are unreligious in every other way, and Shabbat is something that happens only in nursery school with grape juice and sliced challah, you need to think long and hard about why your daughter should not be treated like your son (or your imaginary son if you only have girls).

The group Bat Mitzvah gives the girls the message that they are less important than boys. Here's how:

1. When you put your daughter in a group Bat Mitzvah, she has to share the event with the other girls.  She will therefore automatically have a smaller part than if it were just her own personal Bat Mitzvah.  Right there you are telling her that she is less significant than a boy, who never has to share his Bar Mitzvah with anyone (except of course, the boys who share their Bar Mitzvahs with a sister or cousin but I already told you I am not talking about them so why do you keep bringing it up)

2. If you look at the group Bat Mitzvah as a money saving opportunity, you are saying to your daughter that she is worth less than a boy. If you had a boy, you wouldn't be able to throw him into a factory Bar Mitzvah group with a pile of other boys, split the guest list and therefore the expenses 14 ways and spend a year in committee meetings deciding what colour the sign-in book should be. You would have to do something spiritual for him - if only for appearance sake. If you couldn't afford a three ring circus for your son, you might show up at shul on a weekday and throw everyone a bissel schnaaps and a danish.  You can do the exact same thing for your daughter.

Some of you are thinking - budget is not an issue for me. I am going to put my daughter in a Group Bat Mitzvah and I am going to give her her own, separate Bat Mitzvah. What do you have to say about that Ms. Complaint Department?

(I am not impressed with that solution either. I don't like duplication.)

This brings us to

3. How many Bat Mitzvahs do you reasonably need? In the two Bat Mitzvah scenario, you are telling your daughter she absolutely must be part of the group. It is crucial that she do what everyone else is doing.   You do not need to stand out  you are telling her. You are instructing her to follow the group  even if it is not in concert with her particular values and morals. You are showing her that her role is to always compromise. She must be a good girl and go along with the group AND have her own Bat Mitzvah.

So here we are, teaching our daughters through the Group Bat Mitzvah that:

1. They are less important than the boys;
2. They are worth less money to us; and
3. They should always follow the group and try their best to blend in.

Then we wonder how they end up making less money.

Maybe we should be teaching our kids that:

1. Boys can have a group Bar Mitzvah too (even the playing field)
2. It's not out of the question to mix the groups and have B'nei Mitzvahs available for girls and boys together
3. Girls who like the group thing can learn together, study their lines and do good deeds together in preparation for their Bat Mitzvahs but ultimately can have their own ceremonies; and
4. It is INSANE that in 2013 women are still making only 81 cents on the dollar compared to men.

When you see injustice please question it.

A fairer world starts with you.

Another Reason Not To Change Your Name When You Get Married

N's mother very sadly passed away in 2004.

Dying wish was grass-only grave.

There will be no flowers growing out of my head, Mom of N declared. It gives me the creeps.

Several hundred rainy Sundays later, N is at cemetery visiting multiple deceased relatives.

Hey are those pansies on Mom's head?

Turns out there were, indeed, flowers in full bloom on the heretofore grass-only grave.

Waits till business hours.

Calls cemetery.

There seems to be a problem.

(Explains).

Cemetery says: Aren't you Mrs. Cohen?

Yes.

Well we put the pansies on Mrs. Cohen's grave.

No you didn't. You put them on Mrs. Goldberg's grave.

You are Mrs. Cohen. We put them on your mother's grave.

I changed my name when I got married. I am Mrs. Cohen. My mother in law, Mrs. Cohen, g-d rest her soul, wanted flowers on her grave. You put the flowers on Mrs. Goldberg's grave.

Mrs. Goldberg didn't want flowers?

No. My mother, Mrs. Goldberg of blessed memory, wanted a grass-only resting place.

Mrs. Cohen?

Yes that's me. (Finally we are getting some where.)

We have just changed our computer system.  With the new  computer, you are the daughter of Mrs. Cohen.  There is no way on the new screen to have a Mrs. Cohen as the daughter of a Mrs. Goldberg.  Hey, that must be how your mother, blessed for all eternity, ended up with flowers in the first place.

Now that we have figured it out, can we update the screens.

I am sorry but that will be impossible.  I have to check with my boss before I make any changes in the system.  You understand, no doubt, that I answer to a higher authority.

Don't we all.

Hey, I'm Just Here to Drop Off A Book

5:26pm. Sun shining. Leafy suburban street.

Ring the doorbell.

Shadowy figure gestures Hang On A Sec.

93 seconds elapse.

Door opens.

Sorry we couldn't get to the door sooner, sixtysomething father of friend says.

My wife was naked, and I wasn't wearing any pants.

Book Complaint

Wrote book.

Turns out they give awards for best non-fiction and best first book.

Delivered my books in person.

Yes, to the right place.

Yes, I was also on time.

(Thank you for the vote of confidence).

Went to Edmonton. Hightailed it immediately to stopped at very crucial errand.

Checked e-mail.

Big Mistake.

Book disqualified.

No non-literary books allowed. No cookbooks. No "How-To" Manuals. No "self-help" books.

You must be so disappointed, e-mail said.

Immediately called and calmly asked for explanation.

Was told it was a grey area. Major concern: If book goes forward, and wins, and someone contests it because it is technically a self-help book, what will they say?

(Resisted the urge to recommend possible responses.)

So disappointed.

Called my husband.

Sobbed hysterically.

Left store empty handed as red t-shirted and beige panted employees gently backed away.

Complaint Tie-Ins

1.  Perfectly good shopping experience crucial errand ruined by checking e-mail.

2.  No amount of complaining, effective or otherwise, will change jury's decision, which according to all the fine print, is final

3. Book was disqualified because it is good. Had it been bad, and stood absolutely no chance of winning, it would have been no threat to anyone and would therefore not been disqualified.

4. Does this not remind you of the time I lost my cool in the library? What is it with me and literature that is just so damn sensitive? Maybe need to screw the book thing and take up basketweaving.

Not Sure Who Has A Bigger Complaint

Get on the plane, exhausted.

Lady next to me has no magazine, historical romance, crochet needles or earphones.

Bad sign.

As predicted, she gave me:

And that's when the 88 year old woman straddled Ginger, our miniature horse

the tree trunk all the way to the left of the page, showing that she lives in the past

So just because of that, Ron and I aren't allowed in our daughter-in-law's house any more

Ever since I gave Mom's eulogy, I've been attracted to the colour blue - before that, it was all about brown, but now I feel blue is a spiritual colour

the Victims Assistance unit of the RCMP, and I think the worst call was in December, when

My response:

I just wrote a book. Wanna read it?

How To Live to Be 100

Friend has Grandpa who has been driving same sedan for 16 years.

Just got admitted to hospital for variety of minor ailments.

Driver's License unfortunately revoked minutes shy of 100th birthday.

Much discussion about how to get rid of car.

Family trying to donate car to disabled children, foundation for lung disease, battered women.

Women and children understandably not thrilled with prospect of 16 year old sedan.

Found someone to take car off hands.

Grandpa, where are the keys?

To what?

Your car (sighing gently).

Got rid of the car. Put an ad in the paper, guy showed up with $4000 cash, gave him the keys.

Shocked looks.

Did you think I was waiting around for you to take care of it?