Should Have Just Stuck to Tim Horton's

When I am being fleeced, I would at least like to know who is pocketing the change.

Last time I went to this Conference I spoke about Delivering Bad News and got pink sequinned sneakers.

This time was Ethics in Long Term Care and a book of $5 vouchers.

Vouchers? How boring is that.

Wait, it gets worse.

Vouchers were used to pay for breakfast, coffee, lunch, coffee and coffee.

An orange (they ran out of bananas) was $2.80.

I can only pay with a $5 voucher.

I give the cashier my voucher and she keeps it.

I am sorry, we can't give any change.

But I just paid for a $2.80 banana with a $5 voucher.

That's correct.

Who is getting the $2.10?

Is it the conference?

Is it the caterer?

Is it a forced tip for the cashiers?

I would like to know where my wasted money is going.

In fact I don't want to have any wasted money. I am whipping out a calculator  adding Nutri Grain bars and bottles of water to my order to come as close to $5 as possible so that No ONE will benefit from my voucher gap.

I am encouraging people to put their trays together to reduce voucher gaps.  In other words, if we put my $2.80 with  your $7.13 and pay with two vouchers - they only get 7 cents.  But if we each pay separately, they (whoever they is - we still don't know) get $2.10 PLUS $2.87 which is practically worth another whole $5 voucher. No sir. Not on my dime.

I imagine conference organizers frolicking on the beach in St Maarten, laughing uproariously at all of the suckers who used their $5 vouchers with complete disregard for the consequences.

I open unmarked doors looking for a poker game.

I look at the Keynote Speakers suspiciously wondering if they are splitting the take.

Finally Board Member sits next to me.

This is my big chance.

I lean in conspiratorially and ask about the Voucher conspiracy.  Is it the Conference? Is it the Board? Is it Lee Harvey Oswald?

Oh, no. Board Member says, don't worry.  The conference is only paying for the number on the cash register.

So wait a minute - when I was adding water bottles and apples to my tab I was actually increasing the cost for the conference?

Yes.

And whether or not we put our trays together the cost to the conference would have been exactly the same?

Yes.

Oh.

Oops.

Do you know where I can get a pair of pink sequinned sneakers?

Blogged for Someone Else Today

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I Am Thinking Either Stockard Channing or Ann Jillian With Extra Time in the Make-Up Trailer

New Brunswick, morning.

Oh Good. A Tim Horton's.

Pick the line with the seventy two year old EMPLOYEE IN TRAINING.

Wonder what happened. Was she a waitress? Did her husband leave her? Was he abusive? Do I watch too much Lifetime Network?

My turn.

She is still punching stuff in.

Glances up.

Extra large, two milk, two sugar.

Coffee?

(No. A bucket of extra crispy home made recipe.)

Yes. And can I also have whole wheat toast, peanut butter and jam.

Looks at cash register.  Looks at me.

Stumped.

Calls over manager.  Manager scratches her nose ring and looks at screen.

What is it you wanted?

Toast.

We don't serve toast.

I glance at the baskets of rolls, english muffins, pitas and Croissants.

I glance at the toaster.

How are we going to solve this problem?

How about a seven grain bagel toasted?

Sounds great.

And would you like raspberry or strawberry jam?

Unanswered Questions:

1. How is putting a bagel in the toaster different than serving toast?

2. If you don't serve toast, why do you have a toaster?

3. Why is Tim Horton's whole wheat toast a regional delicacy?

4. If no one is eating toast, why do you have two types of jam?

5. If I am in Fredricton for a conference, why didn't I just go directly there instead of stopping at the Tim Horton's?

6. Who will play the seventy two year old EMPLOYEE IN TRAINING in the Hallmark movie of the same name?

Busted

Not sure whether there has been a statistically significant spike in grocery shopping this time of year but seems like wherever I go people are worrying about melting fudgecicles.

Here's the latest.

Honey can you stop on the way home and get milk.

I have a kid with me.

Great. Can you stop on the way home and get milk.

Stops at grocery store.

Gets milk.

Long line ups. (See what I mean? Everyone is grocery shopping lately.)

Dad we only have one item. We can go to the 6 items or less line. And buy five packs of bubble gum and we'd still be under the limit.

Milk + 1 pack bubble gum = 2 items.  4 to spare.

Dad why does that lady in front of us have millions of items?

The Dad (who is neither my Dad nor the Dad of any of my children) looks into the cart of the lady in front of him.

She does legitimately have many, many items. 24 items in fact.

The Dad asks the woman why she is standing in the 6 or less aisle with a 18 item surplus.

Woman says I have the same item 24 times, it counts as 1 item.

Woman also points out that store is very crowded (thought it was just me) and that she didn't want to wait in another line because she is worried about her melting fudgecicles (She is a huge liar. She has 24 cans of cat food, not a fudgecicle in sight).

Plus, the cashier only has to scan 1 of my 24 items, then press x@24 (or something like that, I'm not a cashier) so it will be quick.

The Dad and the Woman have a loud and obnoxious screaming match, hurling insults at each other in the grocery store free exchange of ideas.

Woman is completely exasperated.  AND YOU ARE HAVING THIS ARGUMENT WITH ME IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD she shrieks.

Um, lady? says small and adorable child. Not only can I hear, but I can count.

I've Been Using This New Story For Concede, Tell Me What You Think

My Great Aunt and Uncle have had a vacation home at a beachy destination for 47 years (I'm rounding up).

5km race happens every summer.

For the past 38 years (I'm guessing) they have had one of their guests run in the race.

And for 17 of those 36 years (again with the estimating) that has been us (Me, Husband, Kids).

Every year, Great Aunt and Uncle would drive to the community centre and register us for the race.

This year, the race switched to online registration only.

Great Aunt calls to tell me that they can't register us, we have to do it ourselves.

Go online.  Race reg opens tomorrow.

Go online next day. Race sold out.

1500 spots sold out in less than two hours?

How many people could possibly have Great Aunts and Uncles at beachy destination?

14 weeks later Husband is bringing bags in from the car and I blurt out: We aren't doing The Race. It Sold Out.

Great Uncle takes both my hands in his: I'm so disappointed.

Kill me now.

Wakes up the next morning and sips his coffee. I'm still so disappointed about the race.

(Kill me again)

Husband and I go for drive and notice that community centre is a-buzz with people picking up their race packets.

Husband says Let's go in and get Them a t-shirt for their collection.

No.

Why don't you at least try and see if you can get me a number for the race?

No.

Why are you drawing a line in the sand?

I'm not. It's just that this race SOLD OUT IN TWO HOURS.  OBVIOUSLY I will not be able to get you registered for the race.

(More coaxing and begging)

Fine. I stomp over to the T-shirt area and select a t-shirt for my Great Aunt and Uncle.

And then I see a woman holding a clipboard.

She is wearing a pen on a string around her neck.

She is clearly a race organizer.

(I am like a heat seeking missile with absolutely no willpower.)

Blah, blah, blah, Great Uncle I say to her. Blah, blah online registration, blah blah vacation home, blah blah I'm very disappointed.

Well, she says, Let me see what I can do.

A few minutes later she comes over to me clutching a race packet.

You weren't going to leave here without a number, were you?  She asks.

No. I smile.

But you were so nice, she says. I actually felt guilty that I didn't give you the number sooner. I don't know how you did that. I don't even have any extra numbers. But here's one for you.

Oh, Julie. (We are now on a first name basis).

Here is a copy of my book.

Can I take your picture?

Jamais Deux Sans Trois

(aka Thrice)

Y invited to a Wine and Dine.

You drink Wine. You Dine.  And (this part wasn't obvious) you can buy handbags, jewellery and watches all of which I'm sure are completely legit.

Couldn't show up without Wine.

Went to Liquor Store.

Well dressed 30 year old guy wearing tie is asking strangers to borrow cell phone.

Excuses Given:

1. Phone out of battery

2. Have no minutes left this month

3. All calls monitored by HQ and don't want to arouse suspicion

4. Mom/husband/Mother Superior will kill me

5. Cell phones are the devil's work

Y feels badly for Tie and says of course you can use my phone.

Tie grins and grabs phone.

Six long minutes elapse.

Y thinking she may have made big mistake.

Gets phone back.

Goes to Wine and Dine.

Drinks Wine. Dines.

Doorbell rings.

Tie standing there.

He is holding handbags, jewellery and watches (all of which I'm sure are completely legit).

Wow you are here he says to Y. I am so happy to see you again.  Now I can thank you for helping out before at the Liquor Store.  Here is a bag for you, my treat.  $1, 250 retail.

Morals of the Story:

1. You should let strangers in the Liquor Store use your cell phone because they might end up giving you free very fancy designer handbags when you least expect it.

2. If someone fixes your truck you may run into them in a dress store and they may be wearing a tie (you would have had to click on the link in the title to get this one)

3.  Being nice isn't always a bad idea.

4. Wine and Dine not as fancy a party concept as it sounds.