Overheard At The Manicurist

Skyfall:  Would your rather be a mother or a wife?

A Petal for Your Thoughts: Oh my g-d that is like just so true.  

Lessons Learned

1. We must all go out and burn our bras immediately

2. It is completely none of my business what people are saying at the manicurist, they are probably both nuclear physicists 

3. Apparently being a mother and a wife are mutually exclusive

4. Careers are like so last year

5. There are nail polish colours named for James Bond movies

6. I had time to get a manicure last week

Physician, Heal Thy-

Cell phone bill includes charges for texts to Czech Republic.

Closer examination shows a variety of miscellaneous and unexplainable charges.

Husband heroically sits on hold for four hundred hours close to 78 minutes.

Finally gets through to service desk.

Service desk person listens to tale of woe.

I need to connect you to the Loyalty Department, Sir.

Yes. Please go ahead.

But I can't.

And why is that?

Because Sir. I can't forward any calls.  My phone isn't working.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Mine neither.

Complaint About the Dentist

Hate going to the dentist (sorry, J).

Yesterday the big day.

Brought copies of my book to take the edge off to distribute as gifts.

Gave one to the hygienist.

Gave one to the receptionist.

Asked them if I can take their picture holding the book.

Posed them next to dental equipment and asked them to look dental (dentally?)

Framed the picture just right, and -

dropped phone on the floor.

Screen black.

Tried everything.

Screen still black.

By the time my teeth are clean and I get to the receptionist to schedule my next appointment, I have mentally sat in traffic for 47 minutes, circled for 13 minutes to get a parking spot in front of the Apple store, parked eight blocks away in the snow and am sweating in the store waiting for service.  Have also convinced myself that work is on fire, my children are frantically texting me and my husband's phone is also broken so there is no way to reach either of us.

Receptionist reaches across the counter, smiling gently.

I hand her the phone.

Have you tried this? she says, pushing the on button.

No wonder I hate going to the dentist.

Smart, Smart But Dumb, Dumb

My daughter T. turned 8.

Took a few of her friends bowling.

Ordered lunch.

Sang Happy Birthday.

How smart am I.  Great birthday and didn't have to lift a finger.

I am so relaxed, in fact, that I walk right out the door of the bowling alley without paying for a thing.

Driving home I am humming along to the radio thinking about all the reasons this was a great plan.

Trying to figure out how much it cost me.

Oh. Yeah. Cost me nothing.  I forgot to pay.

Screech on the brakes, U-turn.

Race back to bowling alley.

Smile at clerk.

I forgot to settle up with you.

Yeah, I know.

Were you going to call me?

No.

No?

I don't even have your number.

You don't have my number?

(Clerk looks up at me wondering whether I just came from an Active Listening workshop).

But I walked out without paying.  What were you going to do?

Nothing.

Nothing?

(She is now past Active Listening and thinking Rain Man).

It happens sometimes.  People walk out without paying and there isn't much we can do about it.

I guess I'm not as smart as I thought.

Things That Did Not Occur To Me Before I Signed Up For Writing Class

1. Didn't think through the logistics

More traffic than expected but had left early enough that wasn't major issue.

Found spot behind building.

Old fashioned parking meters.

The kind that don't accept credit cards.

No change in wallet, bottom of purse or under car mats.

No cash with which to get change.

No ATM in sight.

Minutes till class starts.

Run up stairs to class and ask room full of complete strangers if any one can lend me some change for parking meter.

Four people offered change immediately.

Learned Two Lessons:

1. Writing students very nice

2. I make a great first impression

2. Didn't think I'd actually have to work

Before first class got email from the teacher.

A Syllabus.

Readings.

In class she gave us writing catalysts.

And we had to produce, right there.

Plus submit two essays over the eight week course.

And critique at least three essays per week.  According to preselected criteria.  Prepared in writing before each class.

What does she think this is? 

School?

3. Didn't think about technology

In addition to the readings, there are videos to watch.

Videos?

Are they allowed to tell us what we have to watch?

Is that even legal?

Seems a bit fascist.

Plus the screen on my phone is a little small.

4. And the final thing that didn't occur to me before signing up for a writing class

Maybe I should have taken a writing class BEFORE writing a book.

Duh.

Reviews Are In

"Why didn't you write 'by' on the front cover? It just says "The Art of Complaining Effectively" and "Amy Fish"! Why did you put those little hearts?"

"Did you want the front to be off-centre?"

"Whose decision was it to make the word ART larger than the words Complaining Effectively?  I guess it will work, but I really wouldn't have done it that way.  The book is about COMPLAINING, not about ART."

"$14.95 for the pre-sale? and $18.95 after that? Well I guess you did your research.  I trust you.  Do whatever you want.  As long as you realize that You aren't charging enough.  It should be at least $18.95 for pre-sale."

"Is that the font we ended up choosing? Somehow I thought we decided to go with something bigger."

Wow.

This book is even better than I thought.

You don't have to actually read it.

Just hold it in your hands and you start complaining immediately.

I've never been more proud.