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I Am Thinking Either Stockard Channing or Ann Jillian With Extra Time in the Make-Up Trailer

New Brunswick, morning.

Oh Good. A Tim Horton's.

Pick the line with the seventy two year old EMPLOYEE IN TRAINING.

Wonder what happened. Was she a waitress? Did her husband leave her? Was he abusive? Do I watch too much Lifetime Network?

My turn.

She is still punching stuff in.

Glances up.

Extra large, two milk, two sugar.

Coffee?

(No. A bucket of extra crispy home made recipe.)

Yes. And can I also have whole wheat toast, peanut butter and jam.

Looks at cash register.  Looks at me.

Stumped.

Calls over manager.  Manager scratches her nose ring and looks at screen.

What is it you wanted?

Toast.

We don't serve toast.

I glance at the baskets of rolls, english muffins, pitas and Croissants.

I glance at the toaster.

How are we going to solve this problem?

How about a seven grain bagel toasted?

Sounds great.

And would you like raspberry or strawberry jam?

Unanswered Questions:

1. How is putting a bagel in the toaster different than serving toast?

2. If you don't serve toast, why do you have a toaster?

3. Why is Tim Horton's whole wheat toast a regional delicacy?

4. If no one is eating toast, why do you have two types of jam?

5. If I am in Fredricton for a conference, why didn't I just go directly there instead of stopping at the Tim Horton's?

6. Who will play the seventy two year old EMPLOYEE IN TRAINING in the Hallmark movie of the same name?

Busted

Not sure whether there has been a statistically significant spike in grocery shopping this time of year but seems like wherever I go people are worrying about melting fudgecicles.

Here's the latest.

Honey can you stop on the way home and get milk.

I have a kid with me.

Great. Can you stop on the way home and get milk.

Stops at grocery store.

Gets milk.

Long line ups. (See what I mean? Everyone is grocery shopping lately.)

Dad we only have one item. We can go to the 6 items or less line. And buy five packs of bubble gum and we'd still be under the limit.

Milk + 1 pack bubble gum = 2 items.  4 to spare.

Dad why does that lady in front of us have millions of items?

The Dad (who is neither my Dad nor the Dad of any of my children) looks into the cart of the lady in front of him.

She does legitimately have many, many items. 24 items in fact.

The Dad asks the woman why she is standing in the 6 or less aisle with a 18 item surplus.

Woman says I have the same item 24 times, it counts as 1 item.

Woman also points out that store is very crowded (thought it was just me) and that she didn't want to wait in another line because she is worried about her melting fudgecicles (She is a huge liar. She has 24 cans of cat food, not a fudgecicle in sight).

Plus, the cashier only has to scan 1 of my 24 items, then press x@24 (or something like that, I'm not a cashier) so it will be quick.

The Dad and the Woman have a loud and obnoxious screaming match, hurling insults at each other in the grocery store free exchange of ideas.

Woman is completely exasperated.  AND YOU ARE HAVING THIS ARGUMENT WITH ME IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD she shrieks.

Um, lady? says small and adorable child. Not only can I hear, but I can count.

I've Been Using This New Story For Concede, Tell Me What You Think

My Great Aunt and Uncle have had a vacation home at a beachy destination for 47 years (I'm rounding up).

5km race happens every summer.

For the past 38 years (I'm guessing) they have had one of their guests run in the race.

And for 17 of those 36 years (again with the estimating) that has been us (Me, Husband, Kids).

Every year, Great Aunt and Uncle would drive to the community centre and register us for the race.

This year, the race switched to online registration only.

Great Aunt calls to tell me that they can't register us, we have to do it ourselves.

Go online.  Race reg opens tomorrow.

Go online next day. Race sold out.

1500 spots sold out in less than two hours?

How many people could possibly have Great Aunts and Uncles at beachy destination?

14 weeks later Husband is bringing bags in from the car and I blurt out: We aren't doing The Race. It Sold Out.

Great Uncle takes both my hands in his: I'm so disappointed.

Kill me now.

Wakes up the next morning and sips his coffee. I'm still so disappointed about the race.

(Kill me again)

Husband and I go for drive and notice that community centre is a-buzz with people picking up their race packets.

Husband says Let's go in and get Them a t-shirt for their collection.

No.

Why don't you at least try and see if you can get me a number for the race?

No.

Why are you drawing a line in the sand?

I'm not. It's just that this race SOLD OUT IN TWO HOURS.  OBVIOUSLY I will not be able to get you registered for the race.

(More coaxing and begging)

Fine. I stomp over to the T-shirt area and select a t-shirt for my Great Aunt and Uncle.

And then I see a woman holding a clipboard.

She is wearing a pen on a string around her neck.

She is clearly a race organizer.

(I am like a heat seeking missile with absolutely no willpower.)

Blah, blah, blah, Great Uncle I say to her. Blah, blah online registration, blah blah vacation home, blah blah I'm very disappointed.

Well, she says, Let me see what I can do.

A few minutes later she comes over to me clutching a race packet.

You weren't going to leave here without a number, were you?  She asks.

No. I smile.

But you were so nice, she says. I actually felt guilty that I didn't give you the number sooner. I don't know how you did that. I don't even have any extra numbers. But here's one for you.

Oh, Julie. (We are now on a first name basis).

Here is a copy of my book.

Can I take your picture?

Jamais Deux Sans Trois

(aka Thrice)

Y invited to a Wine and Dine.

You drink Wine. You Dine.  And (this part wasn't obvious) you can buy handbags, jewellery and watches all of which I'm sure are completely legit.

Couldn't show up without Wine.

Went to Liquor Store.

Well dressed 30 year old guy wearing tie is asking strangers to borrow cell phone.

Excuses Given:

1. Phone out of battery

2. Have no minutes left this month

3. All calls monitored by HQ and don't want to arouse suspicion

4. Mom/husband/Mother Superior will kill me

5. Cell phones are the devil's work

Y feels badly for Tie and says of course you can use my phone.

Tie grins and grabs phone.

Six long minutes elapse.

Y thinking she may have made big mistake.

Gets phone back.

Goes to Wine and Dine.

Drinks Wine. Dines.

Doorbell rings.

Tie standing there.

He is holding handbags, jewellery and watches (all of which I'm sure are completely legit).

Wow you are here he says to Y. I am so happy to see you again.  Now I can thank you for helping out before at the Liquor Store.  Here is a bag for you, my treat.  $1, 250 retail.

Morals of the Story:

1. You should let strangers in the Liquor Store use your cell phone because they might end up giving you free very fancy designer handbags when you least expect it.

2. If someone fixes your truck you may run into them in a dress store and they may be wearing a tie (you would have had to click on the link in the title to get this one)

3.  Being nice isn't always a bad idea.

4. Wine and Dine not as fancy a party concept as it sounds.

Where I Reveal Who Is To Blame For Gender Disparity

Let's say your daughter grows up and goes to College. Grad School.

Amazing job.

And Mom, the good news is I'm going to be paid $81,000 starting salary.  I know this is a lot of money, but you know it's weird,  the men at this job are being paid $100,000. 

You would be OUTRAGED.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS you would shout.  Are you telling me that the BOYS doing the EXACT same job are making $19,000 more than you a year? Just for having an extra body part? That is INSANE.

You went to school, you studied hard. You play the ukelele. You won the science fair. You are an excellent tennis player. And now, suddenly you are only earning $81,000?

And whose fault, you may be wondering, is this?

Oh, I'll tell you who's fault it is. The Group Bat Mitzvah, ladies and gentlemen, is completely to blame.

The Group Bat Mitzvah is a phenomenon where a bunch of girls get together, often have a full year program of study and good deeds, and then share the evening of their Bat Mitzvah. Usually they will each say a small part of the program, maybe present their project. They might sing together, or they might have some solos.

(A full year program of study and good deeds sounds terrific. How can you possibly find fault with that? Stay tuned, and I'll explain everything)

Boys on the other hand have no such option. A Bar Mitzvah is a solo affair. Some people have B'nei Mitzvahs with one boy and one girl - cousins, siblings, good friends. I am not talking about that. I am talking about a Group Bat Mitzvah which is organized by a synagogue, school or community organization.

I have no clue who invented the Group Bat Mitzvah, or why they thought girls should be lumped together for increased efficiency and decreased individuality, nor do I have any idea why this concept has caught on like wildfire in the last few years.

I am absolutely convinced that the Group Bat Mitzvah does a disservice to our daughters. I also think it, much like counting men only in the minyan, has survived mainly because no one thought to question it. 

I am begging you to question it.

Girls should have the exact same Bat Mitzvah as boys do. (If you are truly observant, and you believe in your heart that girls should not go on the bima and read from the Torah, I respect your decision and you may want to stop reading here).

If you are unreligious in every other way, and Shabbat is something that happens only in nursery school with grape juice and sliced challah, you need to think long and hard about why your daughter should not be treated like your son (or your imaginary son if you only have girls).

The group Bat Mitzvah gives the girls the message that they are less important than boys. Here's how:

1. When you put your daughter in a group Bat Mitzvah, she has to share the event with the other girls.  She will therefore automatically have a smaller part than if it were just her own personal Bat Mitzvah.  Right there you are telling her that she is less significant than a boy, who never has to share his Bar Mitzvah with anyone (except of course, the boys who share their Bar Mitzvahs with a sister or cousin but I already told you I am not talking about them so why do you keep bringing it up)

2. If you look at the group Bat Mitzvah as a money saving opportunity, you are saying to your daughter that she is worth less than a boy. If you had a boy, you wouldn't be able to throw him into a factory Bar Mitzvah group with a pile of other boys, split the guest list and therefore the expenses 14 ways and spend a year in committee meetings deciding what colour the sign-in book should be. You would have to do something spiritual for him - if only for appearance sake. If you couldn't afford a three ring circus for your son, you might show up at shul on a weekday and throw everyone a bissel schnaaps and a danish.  You can do the exact same thing for your daughter.

Some of you are thinking - budget is not an issue for me. I am going to put my daughter in a Group Bat Mitzvah and I am going to give her her own, separate Bat Mitzvah. What do you have to say about that Ms. Complaint Department?

(I am not impressed with that solution either. I don't like duplication.)

This brings us to

3. How many Bat Mitzvahs do you reasonably need? In the two Bat Mitzvah scenario, you are telling your daughter she absolutely must be part of the group. It is crucial that she do what everyone else is doing.   You do not need to stand out  you are telling her. You are instructing her to follow the group  even if it is not in concert with her particular values and morals. You are showing her that her role is to always compromise. She must be a good girl and go along with the group AND have her own Bat Mitzvah.

So here we are, teaching our daughters through the Group Bat Mitzvah that:

1. They are less important than the boys;
2. They are worth less money to us; and
3. They should always follow the group and try their best to blend in.

Then we wonder how they end up making less money.

Maybe we should be teaching our kids that:

1. Boys can have a group Bar Mitzvah too (even the playing field)
2. It's not out of the question to mix the groups and have B'nei Mitzvahs available for girls and boys together
3. Girls who like the group thing can learn together, study their lines and do good deeds together in preparation for their Bat Mitzvahs but ultimately can have their own ceremonies; and
4. It is INSANE that in 2013 women are still making only 81 cents on the dollar compared to men.

When you see injustice please question it.

A fairer world starts with you.