Get Over Yourself Mister Banana Bread

Good friend of mine gave birth way too early.

Kid in NICU, surgery, very scary.

What can I bring you?

Rice krispie squares with chopped up Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  Chop the cups, put them in the freezer so that they don't melt immediately.  Make rice krispies on stove and stir in frozen cups at the last minute.

Dropped them off at her house.

How did you know I like Rice krispies with Chopped Reese's Peanut Butter Cups?

(Lucky guess)

She didn't remember a thing.

Had she been on her game, it would have been:

What can I bring you?

Nothing.

Which would have led me to the only possible solution:

Banana Bread.

Not sure why Banana Bread has become the universal symbol of I'm thinking of you. 

Tastes good, but not too festive.

Solid, filling, sort of healthy.

Requires just enough effort so you feel you have done something.

Easy to wrap, drop off.

Can throw it in the freezer.

Not to disparage Banana Bread but when you have enough to re-brick your house, you kind of wish someone dropped off toilet paper and laundry detergent.

You may also want coffee, milk, lunch.  Something to distract your kids.  Your dry cleaning picked up.  Your lawn mowed.

This does not apply to me, you are  thinking. 

My Banana Bread is the best.  I use Coconut, Chocolate Chips, Maraschino Cherries extra Bananas.  

I am sure you are right.

I am sure your Banana Bread is the best.

And we all appreciate it.

But before you drop it off, think about what else you can do to help.

You may end up chopping Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  Putting them in your freezer.  

Good Thing She Didn't Work for the Mossad

7 year old daughter T. went to a friend's house last week.

Husband supposed to pick her up.

I may have forgotten to mention when and where.

May also have possibly skipped town with this critical information.

Husband knew kid's mother's name only.

Unlisted.

Called friend with this dilemma.

Friend said: Name sounds familiar.

I think she is a Real Estate Agent.

Let's drive around and find a sign with her name and phone number on it.

Problem solved.

Complaint Tie-In:  See? This is why I never learn my lesson.

My Veggie Burger was Fine Though, Thanks for Asking

Stuck in Tourist Trap for overpriced lunch.

Service could have been faster.

Fish and chips could have been crispier.

Fries could have been a salad.

Beer could have arrived before dessert.

Waiter could have ignored the situation.

Instead, he came to our table.

Coffee's on me today folks.

I like that he tried.

Same Story Twice

One

Giving "How to Complain Effectively" speech to Association of Retired University Professors.

Running late.

Shortcut through construction zone never a good idea.

Front passenger tire learned that the hard way.

Roadside Assistance.

Fixed tire, back at work, piece of cake.

Two weeks later Husband moves car early in morning.  Still denying that he left the lights on.  Car won't start.

Roadside Assistance.

Same tow truck pulls up.  Same guy gets out of car.

We both crack up.

Thank g-d I tipped him the first time.



Two


First cousin once removed sees total stranger wearing fabulous dress.  Had to have it.

Wants to ask woman where she got it.

Daughter is mortified. If you even glance in that woman's direction I am going home.

Once removed says we are in New York City.  We will never see her again.

Stops woman in dress - Where? What? How?

Dress is flattered.  Says two blocks west, across the street, on the right.

Daughter leaves on principle.

Removed goes to the store immediately.

Guess who the salesgirl is?

Bought the dress in three colours.

I Also Found the Sign In Pic from My Bat Mitzvah

New job starts today.

Asked to provide proof of Master's Degree Completion.

(Sure, no problem.  Have only moved 7 times since then.)

Was sure it was in specific box on specific shelf in basement.

Reached for box, slipperier than I remembered.

Noise so loud, husband came running to my rescue, stepping over shards of Hallmark picture frames as he approached.

He was sure diploma was in particular cardboard tube on particular shelf.

Then he paused.

Um Honey?

Did you look on the wall?  Over your desk?

No wonder they asked for proof.

Overheard in My Car Yesterday

B (to friend): Dude, wanna go to the gay pride parade? I've always wanted to go to the gay pride parade.

Me: You've been to the gay pride parade.

G: Wait, is that the one where all those people were walking around the street naked?

G: Oh, no, that was the thing you and Dad went to in California with the flying tortillas.  Remember? People were wearing shoes and socks and like, nothing else?

B: Was gay pride the one where Dad got those vagina lollipops?

G: The chocolate lollipops? No, that was a garage sale.

T: Those were delicious.

B: Yeah.

G: I wonder how they got that shape.