Saturday, 31 December 2016

Lesson Learned

Amy I think I got spammed from you.

Oh no. What did I say?

Something about a yoga workshop. Haha. As if.

Um, actually, it might kinda be true.  Is it in January?

Yeah, I think so, but I didn't read that far into it because it was SO obviously not written by you. Wasn't funny at all, and there was like, no hook, you know what I mean?

Er, really? Because I ---

You guys talking about that weird spam from the other day?

Yeah from Amy? Did you see it?

The yoga thing? Uh-huh but there's like no way Amy wrote it. You can tell, because it's like so not her.

Guys? It might've been me? Is it like the thing with my yoga friend?

Well, like could be, but it reallllly didn't sound like --

Hang on, so you ARE doing it? You're teaching a yoga class?

Well, it's a workshop. Like, guided meditation and then like, some writing instruction and opportunity for uh -

You ARE teaching it? Because man, it really didn't sound like you've written it. Wow.  I'm shocked What's it about?

Finding your inner voice.


Possible Trite Sayings That Could Correspond To This Situation:

1. Those who don't know, teach
2. Physician, heal thyself
3. To thine own self be true
4. It doesn't matter where you are coming from, it matters where you are going

Sunday January 22 9:30am-12:30pm
$50 in advance, $60 at the door
l"Esprit Rehabilitation Centre near Vendome Metro, Montreal
 Click here to register via e-mail
limited space available and not to show off but half the spots are already taken

Something From Our Vaults (aka 2012)

Click here to read today's post.

Thursday, 29 December 2016

Synergies You Don't Need

Super busy weekend and know I should quit while I'm ahead but can't help myself.

Last stop: Dollar Store with eleven year old T.

Forgot my PIN.

It was something about Columbus sailing the ocean blue but with one digit off. 1592?

Tried again.1942?

Still no.

Paid with cash, some humiliation and a dash of panic.

Put off dealing with problem until penniless.

Two different credit cards with same missing PIN and need to put gas in car. Time to handle situation. 1482? Nope.

Go to first bank, blah, blah PIN, blah blah forgot, blah blah help please.

Two pieces of ID?

(hand them over)

Change PINs to Santa Maria Pinta Nina something more memorable.

Took three seconds.

Go to second bank, no line, this should be simple.

Blah, blah PIN, blah blah forgot, blah blah help please.

Two pieces of ID?

(hand them over)






Are we waiting for something here?

It will just be a minute or two.




Do you know how long this will take? Because maybe I should just go to work and try another branch at my lunch hour?

Well, once the System is on, it will only take Three Seconds.






Do we know what the problem is?

Yes. System is not on.


I don't usually work at this branch.


But from what I understand, the person who was supposed to put the System on when she came into work this morning, didn't.

That's strange. Do we have any idea why not?

Apparently she forgot her password.

Wednesday, 28 December 2016


Made vague plans with new friend to have lunch at some point in the next couple of weeks.

Text her this morning to see if she's free Thurs.

No, sorry can't make it.

Oh. Sounds kinda cold.

Really? I text back. No Plan B? No How's Fri? No Lunch doesn't work - how bout a coffee?

Sorry. Parent in hospital. Hole in roof dripping water onto brand new teak coffee table.  Dog just barfed and is eating it.

OMG no. It's me that's sorry.

Complaint Lessons Learned

1. So quick to joke around when in fact something (many things) are actually wrong
2. Texting not always the best way to communicate but how else are you supposed to make lunch plans.
3. Gotta love new friends who tell it like it is. Next lunch is on me, cupcake.
4. Teak? Really?

Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Drive Sober, Check Your Boobs in the Shower, And...

Going on family vacation with extended family and they actually put me in charge of booking tickets.  (Click here to read about my travel savvy)

Booked online through third party seller which is a chance, but one we were willing to take.

Checked fine print and reservation says even when paid for, not considered confirmed until ticketed.

Checked again and we are ticketed.

Did you get the seats? Travel companion asks.

No but not worried. Whatever seats we have we'll deal with.

Did you get the seats? Travel companion asks.

(Oh. I guess we are not taking No for an answer.)

Go online to see which seats we were assigned.

Looks like there are very few seats left on this flight and can't tell which ones are ours.

Call airline.

They have not assigned us any seats.

Let's stop here to review:

1. We have reserved our flight
2. We have paid for our trip
3. We have been ticketed by the airline


4. We don't have seats.

Apparently, getting seats is no longer automatic when you buy a ticket on a major airline.

All is fine now - thank you for your concern - however I feel this should be part of a major PSA campaign.

Possible Public Service Announcement Tie-Ins
1. Check your prostate, check in your seat mate. Nothing is guaranteed.
2. Stay away from pot, make sure you confirm your spot.
3. Washing hands saves lives, booking seats reduces hives.
4. Slip it on before you slip it in, and find where you'll sit before the last min.

Monday, 26 December 2016

Thankfully He Didn't Have a Craving for Wild Boar

Complaining to colleague about how middle son G wanted me to stop on the way home from work and buy eggs,

It was freezing and dark and I was cold and tired.

Ok I said to him. I will take you because it's not snowing. If it were snowing and we had to clean off the car, that would be the final nail in the egg carton.

Colleague said Your son wanted you to buy him eggs?


Why didn't you just get him chickens?

(Is she joking)

Um, chickens?

Yeah. A few weeks ago my husband came home with a few brown hens. The kids are obsessed with playing with them. Haven't watched TV since.

And they live in your house?

Well, yes, in the backyard. Apparently all they need is a little heater and they'll be fine through the winter. And we will have fresh eggs. No need to stop at the store.

Complaint Lessons Learned

1. Do not complain to colleague about things your kids want or you may get suggestions for things you never ever would have wanted them to want.

2. Apparently, TV is still a thing.

3. The indefinite care and feeding of living and breathing chickens may well be less work than driving (and parking) in a Canadian winter.

4. Chickens have not yet told Colleague about their condo in Boca. No way are they planning to live outside all winter.

Sunday, 25 December 2016

Because 007 Was Already Taken

Ordering in from Vegan Restaurant for Vegan Son (read back story here)

Vegan Son wants Vegan Brownie.

Vegan Brownie from this Vegan Restaurant renowned in Vegan World but not on take out menu.

Order food online and click on halva sesame cookie and chocolate chip-ish cookie.

Put note with order saying if you have any Vegan Brownies please send and we will pay vegan driver.

Vegan Restaurant calls. We have Vegan Brownies but we can't send them to you because you didn't click to add them to your basket.

Can you add them to my basket now?

No I'm sorry that would be impossible.

You can add them to my tab and I will pay the vegan driver when he or she or they gets here.

No I'm sorry that would be impossible. You need to add brownie to your basket yourself.

Hang up phone and tell Vegan Son he is out of luck.

Vegan Son says Mom. Seriously. You have gotten way more complex blood out of way more stubborn stones. Please.

Ok fine. Will try harder.

Call Vegan Restaurant back. Is there any way at all I can get a Vegan Brownie for my Vegan Son.

Well, you would have to log back onto menu and create a new order.

But minimum order is $15.


So I would have to order $15 worth of Vegan Brownies? (Which by the way is like 2.5 brownies. Vegan Lifestyle costs lots of Vegan Money. Hence the term Greenbacks. Just kidding. Click here for origin of word).


Ok fine. Vegan Son is worth it. Look through menu and can't find Vegan Brownies anywhere.

I see them right here.

Really? Where?

Scroll down to desserts. See where it says Double Trouble Cookie?


That's actually a brownie.

Complaint Lessons Learned:

1. Vegan Brownie being pursued by undercover vegan operatives so must go undercover as a cookie.
2. Vegan Brownie part of Brownie independence movement and must be added to basket by itself.
3. Vegan Brownie refuses to be delivered by car because of drilling in the Arctic (or is it Antarctic?)
4. Vegan Brownie is actually delicious.

Saturday, 24 December 2016

Overheard on Elevator

Wow that must have been a productive lunch hour.

Yup. Lotsa kids, lotsa bags haha.

I was organized this year.

Yeah? Good for you.

Got all my gifts online.

Wow and you got 'em all? They were all here on time?

Yeah. Well except one.

What're you missing? That's what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid if I order them, they'll be here late.

Only one thing not here yet.


The alarm clock.

Possible Conclusions to Draw
1. People who buy alarm clocks probably order them late so they can't possibly get there on time
2. People who sell alarm clocks should be using them to get up on time and get to work to fill orders
3. Kid who was getting alarm clock for Christmas is probably happy it didn't show up and is getting cash instead
4. How long was this elevator ride