Saturday, 10 January 2015

Go to the Gym, Starve an Alligator

Raise your hand if your New Year's Resolution was to join a gym.

Could save your life.

Increased blood flow, lower body mass index, better cardiovascular output.

Not only that.

Reduced social isolation, improved stress reduction, tighter abs.

True but there's more. Latest research shows joining a gym can prevent you from being eaten to death by rabid alligators or at least save you $350.

Colleague's husband went fishing in Florida.  Went to end of pier where there were lots of fish. Also lots of starving alligators.

Caught fish. Left pier, went back to car.  Keys not in pocket.  Walked back to end of pier and look for keys in murky water.

Call car rental company who says it will be $350 for a new set of keys.

Think about jumping in and hunting around but can't because of ravenous alligators.

Can't see keys from pier because same colour as murky water.

But oh wait. What is that fluorescent orange tag glimmering in the water.

Take fishing pole.

Fish out metal ring attached to fluorescent orange tag.

Car keys.


Unanswered Questions

1. If alligators were starving, why didn't they just eat the fish?
2. If Colleague and husband were on vacation, why would they have a gym tag on their car rental key?
3. If my gym tag isn't fluorescent orange, is going to the gym still good for my health?

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

E=mc varmint

Guy walking in front of me has tattoo of Albert Einstein on back of left calf.

Overhear wife saying they live in rural area where I happen to know there is a university.

He must be a physics professor I whisper to my Husband. Or maybe math.

Restaurant for lunch and Guess Who is sitting at adjacent table.

Pleasantries exchanged.

Minutes pass.

Well this lunch is almost over, I say to Professor, and I am dying to ask you about your relationship with Albert Einstein.  I have never seen an Albert tattoo before, so I'm guessing he must be very special to you. I say smugly, looking over at my Husband like I know everything I inquire innocently.

Yeah, says Professor.  It's all because of my first tattoo.

(Probably to celebrate PhD completion)

When I was seventeen I went out with my buddies and had a little too much to drink, know what I mean?

(Too young for PhD. Must be a science fair win)

and I came home with Yosemite Sam holding a beer on my shoulder.   Regretted it ever since.

So you got the Albert to cancel out the Yosemite?  Even though one is on your shoulder and one on your left calf?

Yes.  They don't cancel each other out, but they, like cancel each other out, know what I mean.  

Wife chimes in: We use this as a Cautionary Tale for our children.

Cautionary Tale, Okay, Go On.  (Maybe she's the Brownian Theory expert.)

Always plan ahead when you go to the tattoo parlour.  You should know which tattoo you are getting and where so that your buddies can't convince you to get a Yosemite Sam on your shoulder.

Possible Explanations For This Statement (Choose One):

1.  Because there may not always be an Uncle Albert to bail you out.

2.  Because every one knows Yosemite Sam drinks bottles of XXX. The beer is just embarrassing.

3.  Because if Albert was on your shoulder and Yosemite was on your calf, people walking behind you might think you were hunting Bugs Bunny instead of the guy who figured out that gravity can bend light.