Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Bucket List (In Links)

Things I Crossed Off My Bucket List in 2013

1. Wrote Book
2. Candlelight dinner for one
3. Smaller than the Mall of America, but still worth a  detour
4. Oh What Fun, It Is To Ride
5. Hi Amy, It's Mits
6. Chenoy's Smoked Meat Poutine

Things I Keep Crossing Off My Bucket List But They Do Not Appear to Be Taking The Hint

1. The Walk
2. November
3. Rome
4. 1.64 kg of Sunflower Seeds?

Applicants for 2014 Bucket List

1. Under-rated Quebec tourist location
2. Still Looking for Literary Agent
3. On Second Thought, More of a 2015

Friday, 20 December 2013

And You Must Be the Muslim Guy Who Likes the Easter Bunny

Family breakfast at the High School.

Gymnasium filled with festive parents, teenage children, pancakes, santa hats and hot coffee.

G's friend walks in with parents and sit at table next to us.

Lukewarm greetings exchanged.

It's 7:33am and kids are eating dessert the orange ice cream wasn't half bad which was clearly inappropriate and I absolutely did not put a mini candy cane in my purse for later.

Mom of G's friend taps me on the shoulder.

I'm so sorry that I didn't say hi to you more enthusiastically before. I have a very hard time recognizing faces, and I didn't realize that I knew you at first. My husband just told me you were G's mom, and I was like OMG I should have been way friendlier.

You have trouble recognizing faces? That's fascinating.

Oh, I guess you didn't hear. I had a traumatic brain injury three years ago.  Broke bones, suffered greatly, spare you the details.

Wow. That is amazing.  You look fabulous.  And the deficit you are left with is a lack of facial recognition?  Good for you.

Well actually I have many other deficits. I have trouble with short term memory for example.

Anyway, nice to see you again and I'll let you get back to your fruit salad.

Daughter T jumps up and tells me she would like more whipped cream on her hot chocolate she would like some more flax seed toast.

Lady looks at T and says.

Wait a minute I remember you.  You guys were at the school craft fair last year.  You bought a lot of stocking stuffers.

Yup, that's us! We were totally at the craft fair last year! We had a blast!

And you're Jewish.  I remember you perfectly!  You're the Jews that like Christmas!

Things Left Unsaid:

1. Yes. We are the only Jews that like Christmas.

2. You are welcome. Without Jews, there would be no Christmas.

3. Let me get this straight. You have a facial recognition issue, short term memory loss, yet you not only remember us but remember that we circumcise our boys when they are eight days old and eat unleavened bread for a coupla days in April? That's some kind of rehabilitation centre you went to.

4. We love Christmas and we also love bacon. You going to finish that?

Friday, 13 December 2013

See? You Can't Suck and Blow At The Same Time After All

Watching Say Yes to the Dress with my homies and on comes a commercial for markers that attach to as battery powered blower.  On TV this produces an airbrushing effect.

When piled in my basement on top of a Barbie dream house but under Pixar Monopoly it just contributes to global warming.

You think you have A Story, says H.  Listen to what happened to me.

Saw these blowy markers on TV.

Had To Have Them.

Battery powered airbrush worked perfectly.

Markers sucked.

Company name and number on side of box.

We are so sorry to hear this ma'am, we will send you new markers right away.

Three days later new markers arrive.

Battery powered airbrush still worked perfectly.

New markers dried out even faster than original pack.

Possible Complaint Lessons:

1.  When markers show you who they are the first time believe  them.

2.  Great customer service is not a substitute for poor product quality.

3.  People who watch bridal dress shows should stick to their knitting because we are obviously not great at picking toys.

4. Who needs airbrushing when you have a Rainbow Loom

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

It's like Netflix but for Magazines

Friend at work has brought a lot of joy to my life and once she even brought me a David's Tea.

Tells me that there is an unbelievable new app that gives you unlimited access to over 100 magazines for the flat rate of $14.99 a month.

They are currently offering a 60 day free trial.

Sounds too good to be true but I'll bite.

Download the app.

Enter your name and password.

I try a million possible combinations, nothing works.

Google Next Issue.

Oh I had to register.

Makes sense.

Input all the relevant info including my credit card.

Go onto app.

Still not working. Fall asleep unfulfilled.

6:52am roll over and grab iPad leap out of bed.

Go back to registration page.

Look at the email address I entered.  Oh no I didn't.

Instead of amyfish I entered amtfish.

This app is fabulous in every way except one.  They don't send you an email to validate that the info you (I) gave them is correct.

They also don't have a mechanism to change your email address once you've entered it.

So now this fabulous app is attached - with my credit card - to an incorrect email address.

And some lucky woman named amtfish is going to be reading all about this season's shoes while I am left in the dust with back issues of National Geographic.

Hey wait a second.  Maybe Ms amtfish isn't as smart as we think.  Maybe she is one of the eleven people left on earth who doesn't yet have a gmail account.

I will get the amtfish email address so that I can access my Next Issue account.

Great news.

Plan worked.

I love the app and don't want to lose it so I need you to work with me on this.

So if anyone asks my name is amt.

Sunday, 1 December 2013

Day Thirty One

Uh, Amy.

30 days hath November.

I know.  But guess why we are here.  It's my cousin Brookie's birthday.  Brookie the fashionista who laughs at all my jokes, loves my kids like they were her own and truly has a heart of gold. I couldn't let her b-day go by without a good ol fashioned complaint department shout out.


That's it? One cousin with one birthday? 


It's also E's birthday.  E is a real true friend who has seen me through some very dark moments and if I needed someone in the middle of the night, E is my girl.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY E!!!!! Thank you for always being there!!!

Now are we back to our regularly scheduled programming?

Not yet.

We have a best friend who turned 9 today, S.  S is a life-of-the-party, lampshade-on-your-head kind of a girl who is always up for a good time.  Hope to celebrate many many many more birthdays, Halloweens, and other happy occasions together!