Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Six Reasons to Let Your Kid Go to a Hockey Game When He Has an Exam The Next Day

6. If the school is going to have exams during hockey season they have only themselves to thank

5. When the neighbours call Youth Protection I want them to have concrete examples of child neglect and poor judgement

4. Cramming the night before an exam is not the best way to study, any good studying should have happened weeks in advance (do not drink while reading that last one, you are liable to spit out your hot coffee)

3. Son will be so grateful that this should produce excellent results throughout the exam period (hope you weren't drinking coffee there either)

2. Any kid that does not go to college puts at least 30 Large direct to the bottom line
And the real number one reason to let your kid go to a hockey game the night before an exam:

1. Learning is not limited to the classroom environment

Sunday, 27 January 2013

I Drank It Anyway. Obviously.

Three weeks ago.

Friend going through hard time.

Invited her, husband and kids for Friday night dinner.

Aunt going through hard time.

Seated her next to friend.

Realized that 13 year old son B had unfortunately done well on science test and had therefore earned the supper of his choice - grilled steak -, and further realized that's why Hashem invented take-out menus.

Ordered steak, chicken, rice and two salads.

Asked guy to pack them all separately: chicken and steak in two different containers, rice in another, salads individually.

Did not want to get square styrofoam meals and have to start picking them apart in front of company.

Called half hour before pick up to confirm food packed as requested.

Was reassured.


Food arrived smushed together into square styrofoam containers, exactly what I had not asked for.

Went into kitchen and began to surgically remove chicken and steak from each container and attempt to make it look presentable, removing unwanted lemon quarters, flicking off stray grains of rice (that I didn't order) and flaccid broccoli (that I also didn't order).

With the help of very gracious Company, managed to salvage the situation while muttering under my breath I should really be running the world without a bead of sweat on my brow.

So, you think you know what the complaint is, right?

Montreal's answer to a Diner Very fancy restaurant did not follow my specific instructions and to make matters worse LIED to my face about it, promising me that food would be packed to spec.

Nope, that's not it.

I know - your complaint is that you didn't want your Company subjected to the indignity of surgical food removal, yet they insisted on assisting you every step of the way?

(No. And how dare you insult my Company like that? I already told you they were all going through their own hard times.)

Three Weeks Later (Today)

Husband did extensive grocery shopping which allowed me to clean out the fridge.

Tupperware with lemon quarters. Perfect.

Sat down to lunch.

I will squeeze some lemon into my glass before I pour the diet Coke.

Squeezed lemon.

Two grains of rice flew out and landed in glass.

Complaint Tie-Ins:

1. I usually try to conceal my re-using of random food items from my Husband and I was totally busted.
2. I was reminded that had they just followed my instructions in the first place this whole thing never would have happened.
3.  Had I known there was rice in the lemon, I could've used it to thicken the soup.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

The Red Duo-Tang Tax

Mom I need a red Duo-Tang for Health Class.

Did you look downstairs with all the extra school supplies?


Did you look in your brother's room?


Do you not find it completely unreasonable that your teacher is asking for these now? Why couldn't she have asked for red Duo-Tangs at the beginning of the year when we were busy chasing down clear plastic report covers and non-liquid white-out?

Mom I need a red Duo-Tang for Health Class.

It's 8:21am.

Quick calculation: If I put the dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher, that will save us 14 seconds per person.

Postpone taking out the recycling till next week: 6 minute savings.

I can shave a pure three minutes off my time by wearing a cowl instead of a scarf.

Who needs lipstick anyway? (51 seconds)

We now have exactly enough time to pull up in front of Office Supply Store, race in, grab red Duo-Tang, throw dollar fifty at cashier and forget that in late August Duo-Tangs were 17 cents each.

Reserved parking space available right in front.

Leave kids in car. Leave car running. (Turning off ignition + putting keys in pocket = an unaffordable 8 seconds).

Duo-Tangs on sale.

Green, red, yellow, orange, grey, black, pink, white.


Only available in packages of ten.


Race back to car, holding red Duo-Tangs victoriously in the air.

Oh thanks, Mom, but why are you rushing? I don't need it till next Thursday.

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

So Close, And Yet So

Goal for this evening to watch last four episodes of Girls Season 1.

#7 smooth sailing - Husband took kids for frozen yogurt in celebration of attending swim practice, swimming 3 kms and high mark on science test respectively.

#8 paused several times to oversee bed time due to sugar high.

#9 all quiet on the Western front.

Evening almost exceeding my expectations.

#10 ok for first 24 minutes.

#10, minute 25 On Demand Channel goes blank.

Experiencing technical difficulties.

I know nothing probably happens in the last few minutes, but don't feel I can legitimately move on to Season 2 until this season is completely complete.

1. No matter how low you set the bar, goals still may be difficult to achieve.
2. Socialized medicine a poor substitute for good cable.
3. Keep waiting for Shoshanna to wear a Brandeis sweatshirt. Probably happens in minute 27 of #10.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Complaints About Cake Pops

1. They look so innocent but are in fact very moody little snacks.

2. You never know when they are going to work perfectly or when they are going to melt off their sticks in the middle of the work potluck.

3. They force you to forget them at home, causing you to have to turn around and pick them up, further causing you to nearly miss the aforementioned work potluck.

4. You can buy special pans to mold the cake pops.  Or, you can win the As Seen on TV cake pop pan at a holiday gift exchange only to have it wrenched from your grasp by an overzealous Mom who says her seven year old is en route to pastry chef stardom and ABSOLUTELY MUST round out her cake pan collection with As Seen on TV cake pop cast iron molds.

5. Food trends. Because it's not challenging enough to have the correct nail color and hem length.

Friday, 11 January 2013

My Husband and The Border

1.  Correct Answer is April 5th

Our family takes many road trips.

Endless combinations of adults and children crossing back and forth between Canada and US border.

Husband takes three kids to visit the Rocky Steps  historic and educational Philadelphia.

Stops at Border.

Are these your children, Sir?


What are their birthdays?

April 1st, March 17th and uh, uh, um, er, uh.


April 3rd.

Are you sure, Sir?

April 7th?

Please step out of the car, Sir.

2. You Didn't Tell Me There Would Be an Exam

Have lived in US on two separate occasions with two separate visas.

Sometimes this appears on Border crossing computers.

Border guards then take an above average interest in our responses to mundane questions.

Where do you live, Sir?

Toronto. I mean Downtown, I mean Dollard. No, no Montreal, um, Westmount.

I'm going to have to ask you to pull over, Sir and step out of the vehicle.

3.  I Just Love a Story with a Happy Ending, Don't You?

Anything to declare?

Yes, we spent $12 at Target, $7 at Macy's and a few bucks on groceries.

(Stop smirking.  I may be slightly exaggerating for your benefit but Border guard was given actual amounts).

Anything else, Sir?

There's one more thing.

Husband leans in and says to Border guard conspiratorially.  I bought some jewellery for my wife and I don't want her to how much it costs.

Husband then slips folded receipt into Border guards' hand.

She opens it.  Eyes widen.  Wow, Sir. That is some gift.

Husband blushes slightly, Thank You.

Have a nice evening.